Control

“You wouldn’t like me when I am angry”… the words I heard as a child may have helped shape me.  Anger was not pretty.  It was green and ugly and beyond control.  I didn’t want to be angry.  It was a loss of control that left people hurt, injured and crying… I wanted everyone around me happy.  Now I find anger a foreign feeling for me.  I have it, but I twist and alter it until it becomes my fault and turns into depression.  This time i refuse to let it happen.  I am mad and I want to shout it!

Is it wrong to be mad?  Most will say it is normal and more healthy to get mad then hold it in.  I am just very unfamiliar with that.  But for some reason this time it is seems like such a twist of reality, an out right lie from the past, that makes me fume.  I don’t want to become The Hulk.  I try and step back from the anger and refocus.  Am I being unrealistic. judgmental or even jealous?

I have rewritten this post so many times already.  I am being protective of a friend.  The problem comes with the fact is one of his friends put him in a place of danger and I am FURIOUS.  It is hard to deal with because she has always come off as better then anyone else and the perfect Mom.  If things had gone wrong … I don’t even want to think of what would have happened.  It could not only have affected my friend, but this woman’s family too.  I despise the fact she does this and doesn’t think of how it could hurt all those around her.  Yeah, I think it is anger and a little jealousy.

How do I keep from blowing my stack?  I am biting my tongue.  I am trying to distract my thoughts with other things.  I am writing and rewriting.  It will not leave.  I don’t know why I am so enraged by her actions.  Maybe I am projecting my parental duties onto my friend – I want to shelter him.  I also shudder at what her kids would have gone thru if their Mom had left.  It brings all the tensions to my shoulders, neck and head.

A constant pounding headache is invading my day.  The Hulk is growing in the back of my brain and there is no hope of keeping him from ripping thru.  I don’t like the feeling of anger.  I think I am justified in being mad at her.  But then the next minute I am hesitant in my approval.  Anger is wrong.  It brings hurt and pain.  But what if hurt and pain happen first?  Does that justify anger in retaliation?  I am new to letting the anger stay.  I used to write it out in poems if it got to close to raging green.  Today the poetic flow has been silenced and the Hulk stands at the ready.  The ultimate question though is am I ready?