I know how I want to die. I want to be like a lost balloon. I want gravity to just stop right where I am standing and let me float away in the air. Most kids when they lose a balloon will cry and maybe be devastated enough that they feel like this is the most heartbreaking thing that can happen to them. Look at them a day later or even just a few hours and it is usually the furthest thing from their mind. Sure they may look back on it with a little sadness too, but rest assured by the time they have a week or two pass, it will only be the memory of something beautiful gently leaving them.
I woke up this morning and spent more than 5 minutes staring at my wrist. I wonder why so many chose the blue-green lines that crisscross there as the point of release for life? I wondered which line would be the right one to choose? I have known people who have cut or burned themselves to release the awful pain inside. They say it is like letting the bad drain out of them when the blood drips. I just see it as evidence left behind I would have to explain over and over again for the rest of my life… however long I could survive still. I never had that as a plan though. My choice was always a tree.
I had a tree picked out just off the side of the road. It was not a deep ditch between me and the tree to stop me from making my destination. I gave it thought more than one day too. I didn’t want to hit another car or a part of a bridge, because someone innocent might end up hurt. I thought of the “safety” of a semi–truck driver behind all that metal, but feared emotional scars for them and I wouldn’t put anyone in the place of feeling blame for my decision. So the tree was it. It was big and beautiful, but life had other plans for me.
A friend intervened and I have seen a counselor for more than 4 years now. I don’t think I will ever be able to say I am not depressed, but I am trying to deal with it and treat it every day. Mornings like today remind me it will never leave. I have taken my anti-depressant now. I have written out some of the bad thoughts. But still that one image floats through my mind.
Let me be the colorful balloon soaring effortlessly through the sky. Let me be that red spot that brings smiles to the faces of innocent bystanders who watch it until it is a mere speck on the horizon. Let gravity end so I can take a peaceful flight to freedom. Just not today…