Words Tumbling Out At The End Of The Day…

…I want to write.  I want to escape the pain.  I want to take today put it on paper and then crumple it up into the trash.  But that will not happen.  What’s done is done.  Death cannot be reversed.  What my daughter saw when she went to her Dad’s will be forever in her mind.  He laid in bed cold and lifeless.  I wish I had been there.  I wish I had been there.  I wish I had been there.  I could have shielded her from that vision that will haunt her forever.  I know I still see the image of the funeral home people moving my Mom into the body bag.  I wanted to scream. “Watch out for her head.  Don’t hurt her.”  What would the point be… she was dead.  That feeling will always be in the pit of my stomach.  And now my daughter too has a vision of death seared behind her eyes.

…I want to write out all the emotions.  The pain and sorrow. The confusion and doubt.  The anger and frustration.  He was only 52.  He has a daughter he will never walk down the aisle.  Why now?  Why did he not seek out help?  Why did he live behind closed doors in isolation so no one was left to help him?

…I want to blame myself even though I know it is not my fault.  If we were still married would today have been different?  If we had separated earlier would it have changed things?  If I had been stronger would he have gotten help sooner?  Was it my fault that he was all alone and felt so isolated he stopped eating and caring about nothing but another mind numbing drink?

… I loved him… I do love him.  We could not make the marriage work.  I could not make it work.  I could not watch his slow descent into hell drink by drink.  I always wanted him to be happy.  I always wished the best for him, for many years at my own expense.  I still hope he made peace with God or whoever he believed in these days and is in a better place.  I hope he found his Dad and Mom, both of whom he missed terribly.  I hope he found peace.

… I want to write.  I really don’t know what to say.  I hurt and am numb all at the same time.  I love you Jeb… rest in peace.  I will never forget you.  I will always treasure the greatest gift you ever gave me – our daughter.  I will miss you.  I did not hate you.  I just had to protect my heart from more pain. Sleep in sweet happiness now.  Good night.

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