Can I take a minute of your time? This month is mental health awareness month and if anyone out there is actually reading my blogs I am sure you know I have issues with depression. I admit it fully and will add in some anxiety disorder for good measure too. Some days if feels like a recipe for disaster and other day can be close to what some call normal. Tonight I am not normal. I am crying and missing a friend who has locked me out of his life. I often wonder if that was because of my depression. He was very kind and caring at first and I thought we were great friends… then he asked to borrow some money. I gave it to him and felt I had really helped a friend out… that is when little things changed. He would no longer stand and talk for 5 or 10 minutes with me just because. Text responses became less and less until he was never responding. And a phone call was out of the question. …so why did he leave?
That was about 4 years ago. Now another friend I have actually known almost as long has started not responding to email. Another friend will never answer a phone call. And one more friend I used to visit at least once every week or two seems to always be busy. Depression takes those things and turns them ALL into my fault. I did something wrong. I am the toxic person in any relationship. I am doomed to be alone. Even my boyfriend is more and more distant. Is there any chance for an open and honest depressive to have a social life at all? Are we all destined to sabotage our relationships some how?
I have no answers only questions and sadness. The longer the sadness stays with me the worse I get … so I write. I used to write to my friends, but I think that may be part of the problem. So now I write to everyone and more likely no one. I am not good at this blog thing…. but just maybe one night I will connect with one person and they will see there is a way to let go of some of the depression and purge a little of the pain. To you dear reader … or if I dare to dream readerS… thank you for taking time, for giving me just a minute of your time. Letting me bleed out the pain like ink drops on paper (or keyboard to screen as it were). does help me a little and if there is only one single person out there having a bad night that sees a small connection and a bit of hope, then my late night ramblings are worth it. I will continue to expose my gaping wounds and try to find ways to heal… there is plenty of room on the depression train. Take a ride with me and I will supply the words and tissues.
Truly thanks for reading!