A shadow of my former self, I feel sick and tired. I am tired of feeling unimportant, under appreciated, unwanted, the one everyone laughs at, the one everyone stares at. But the truth I have to remember is that I only feel that way. I have to remember that is not the reality. I may be depressed, but I am not what I feel. Depression makes me feel lots of things but it is a twisted reality often. I may be alone in a room, which is fact. But the depression turns it into feeling unwanted and unimportant. Last night someone said something to me that made me feel I was being laughed at, but I know it was my depressions twisting the joke around to put me as the subject matter. I read once depression makes us conceited, and it took me awhile to understand that. We who suffer depression are not stuck up. I make friends all the time and try not to ever do anything wrong, often putting them above myself. How can I be conceited? Depression twists my mind around to make me the center of a lot of feelings. If there is a group of strangers laughing it has to be about me, even if I just walked into the room. To think I am “powerful” enough to be the center of attention everywhere I go… THAT is pretty conceited. In reality that is the feelings taking over my day. I feel a lot of different things my depressed perception twists, but they are not reality. I have to take the round of laughter from last night as a reminder of feeling vs. being. It made me feel that I was the joke, but it was only a joke about a movie. And today being by myself does not mean the feeling of being unwanted is true. I am sick and tired of feeling the victim of depression, but I am being the best I can be with a disease that creates a chaos in my mind.