Feeling vs. Being

A shadow of my former self, I feel sick and tired.  I am tired of feeling unimportant, under appreciated, unwanted, the one everyone laughs at, the one everyone stares at.  But the truth I have to remember is that I only feel that way.  I have to remember that is not the reality.  I may be depressed, but I am not what I feel.  Depression makes me feel lots of things but it is a twisted reality often.  I may be alone in a room, which is fact.  But the depression turns it into feeling unwanted and unimportant.  Last night someone said something to me that made me feel I was being laughed at, but I know it was my depressions twisting the joke around to put me as the subject matter.  I read once depression makes us conceited, and it took me awhile to understand that.  We who suffer depression are not stuck up.  I make friends all the time and try not to ever do anything wrong, often putting them above myself.  How can I be conceited?  Depression twists my mind around to make me the center of a lot of feelings.  If there is a group of strangers laughing it has to be about me, even if I just walked into the room.  To think I am “powerful” enough to be the center of attention everywhere I go… THAT is pretty conceited.  In reality that is the feelings taking over my day.  I feel a lot of different things my depressed perception twists, but they are not reality.  I have to take the round of laughter from last night as a reminder of feeling vs. being.  It made me feel that I was the joke, but it was only a joke about a movie.  And today being by myself does not mean the feeling of being unwanted is true.  I am sick and tired of feeling the victim of depression, but I am being the best I can be with a disease that creates a chaos in my mind.

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