thoughts swirl into chaos
the lines are blurred
between right and wrong
good and bad
insane whirlwind tumbles
inside my troubled mind
unsure where to go
who to trust
my brain caught in a tornado
one of unending doubt
afraid of today
terrified of tomorrow
calm wind will never blow
so I grasp to hold on
to ride out the future
to escape the past
The past came crashing back. It hit me like a semi taking out a car in an accident. I just watched The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and was reminded of all I hated about my days in school. I suffered from anxiety back then although it was never diagnosed… I was just called shy and told to get over it. I think that is why I have been feeling so depressed lately.
My father had a surgery and I moved in temporarily to try to help take care of him and save money on home health care. I feel like that shy child again, because I am cut off from friends outside of internet connections. I spent much of middle school without friends and only limited ones in high school. I feel alone like I did back then.
So how do I undo this emotional flash back and get back to the present? How do I find the hope in friendships and the freedom of being able to come and go as I want to? How do I return to adulthood without abandoning my Dad?
I have to remember that he is healing and getting better… this will not last forever. I know my anxiety and depression is here to stay but it is TREATABLE. I have to remember my positive attitudes, medications and gentle escapes in activities I enjoy can all give me benefits.
Writing can help me purge the emotions that overwhelm me. I can relive the joys and gentle peace of nature through my collection of photographs I have taken on many walks through the area parks and bicycle paths. And if I just want to check out from reality I can immerse myself in a game on the internet. There are ways to cope, I just have to stay focused to remember them.
Today I will make it through. My past lead me to a lot of days and nights of tears. I can work through bad days, hours, minutes one moment at a time. I will focus on the hope of a wish made on a dandelion breath.
What do you say to a friend who wants to die? How do you balance the purely selfish need to keep your friend versus their need to end the horrible pain they are in. I know he is in a deep depression and that is a lot of why he is talking like that. But his life has been one disaster after another. He has been homeless, abused, and spent time in jail. The family he still has is not supportive at all. He has only a handful of friends. The worst part for me is he now lives a thousand miles away. Add in the depression and he is even further away.
I know depression. I myself have been in a place where death seemed so much easier than life. I had enough friends and family around that I knew I needed help and got it. My friend is alone a lot. And that terrifies me. The fine line I must balance is between being a friend while offering support and becoming too pushy.
I know I cannot control him. I know I cannot stop him. All I can do is love him and hope this depression lessens soon for him. In the mean time I wait and worry. I know he has the numbers to reach out to. He is strong no matter how he feels right now. The magnitude of what he has survived so far is enormous. I know he is tired. But he can overcome this. I have to believe that. I love him like a brother and I always will. We go through this depression as best as we can, together in heart.
Leigha Robbins 