The past came crashing back. It hit me like a semi taking out a car in an accident. I just watched The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and was reminded of all I hated about my days in school. I suffered from anxiety back then although it was never diagnosed… I was just called shy and told to get over it. I think that is why I have been feeling so depressed lately.
My father had a surgery and I moved in temporarily to try to help take care of him and save money on home health care. I feel like that shy child again, because I am cut off from friends outside of internet connections. I spent much of middle school without friends and only limited ones in high school. I feel alone like I did back then.
So how do I undo this emotional flash back and get back to the present? How do I find the hope in friendships and the freedom of being able to come and go as I want to? How do I return to adulthood without abandoning my Dad?
I have to remember that he is healing and getting better… this will not last forever. I know my anxiety and depression is here to stay but it is TREATABLE. I have to remember my positive attitudes, medications and gentle escapes in activities I enjoy can all give me benefits.
Writing can help me purge the emotions that overwhelm me. I can relive the joys and gentle peace of nature through my collection of photographs I have taken on many walks through the area parks and bicycle paths. And if I just want to check out from reality I can immerse myself in a game on the internet. There are ways to cope, I just have to stay focused to remember them.
Today I will make it through. My past lead me to a lot of days and nights of tears. I can work through bad days, hours, minutes one moment at a time. I will focus on the hope of a wish made on a dandelion breath.