Hello once again my friend out there… the reader in the distance… my connection to some hope. I am facing another night with rambling thoughts bouncing about in my mind with a wish to quiet my inner noise.
I am dealing with a problem that happens far more often than it should… I forgot to take my meds this morning. I have them in a pill case to remind me even. I have an alarm that goes off every day at 11 to remind me to take them if I haven’t yet. And still somehow a day will squeak by and I am oblivious to my neglect until it is far to late in the day for morning pills. So I have a headache that just grows. I get more sensitive to emotions – a mood swing almost. And I ache more. It really reminds me of just how out of control I am with my body and mind at times.
To someone who has never dealt with mood swings it is hard to explain. I had my first experience with them after my chemotherapy left my hormones a mess. I took some meds to try to straighten them out and I would have such a drastic move from one emotion to the next it felt worse than riding a roller coaster without a seat belt. Calm to bitch in 2 seconds and then a bawling baby in another tick of the clock. It was hell.
This is like that only a more gradual descent into chaos. Usually by the time I realize there is a problem it is too late to stop it. And then I add, on top of the symptoms, guilt and frustration as I am mad at myself for not remembering to take them. Do you ever miss your meds?
I have spent a good part of the day trying to reach out to a couple of friends. I sent a couple of long emails and have as of yet not heard anything back. Insecurity is HUGE for me especially when I am feeling bad. I have to pound it back into my brain that they are not sitting with their computer like I am. They are enjoying the summer day and at the pool or park… I am the one with no energy to walk up a flight of stairs today. (Have I mentioned before that fibro SUCKS!?) I sent a couple of texts to a friend and managed to say the wrong thing and make him mad. And my boyfriend has been withdrawn and quiet today since he came home from work. So I feel more disconnected.
Missed meds, loneliness, worry for a friend in the hospital… it all descends on me now that it is dark and the world has fallen quiet. For me there are a million thoughts screaming within. Sometimes I can keep up with the din and write out the clatter at least as fast as it sounds, but not always. If I can cut the noise in half I feel I have accomplished something. So I write, I ramble, I try to connect to one small portion of the universe. My little piece of star-dust… thank you for listening tonight.
Leigha Robbins 