Hello Again

Hello once again my friend out there… the reader in the distance… my connection to some hope.  I am facing another night with rambling thoughts bouncing about in my mind with a wish to quiet my inner noise.

I am dealing with a problem that happens far more often than it should… I forgot to take my meds this morning.  I have them in a pill case to remind me even.  I have an alarm that goes off every day at 11 to remind me to take them if I haven’t yet.  And still somehow a day will squeak by and I am oblivious to my neglect until it is far to late in the day for morning pills.  So I have a headache that just grows.  I get more sensitive to emotions – a mood swing almost.  And I ache more.  It really reminds me of just how out of control I am with my body and mind at times.

To someone who has never dealt with mood swings it is hard to explain.  I had my first experience with them after my chemotherapy left my hormones a mess.  I took some meds to try to straighten them out and I would have such a drastic move from one emotion to the next it felt worse than riding a roller coaster without a seat belt. Calm to bitch in 2 seconds and then a bawling baby in another tick of the clock.  It was hell.

This is like that only a more gradual descent into chaos.  Usually by the time I realize there is a problem it is too late to stop it.  And then I add, on top of the symptoms, guilt and frustration as I am mad at myself for not remembering to take them.  Do you ever miss your meds?

I have spent a good part of the day trying to reach out to a couple of friends.  I sent a couple of long emails and have as of yet not heard anything back.  Insecurity is HUGE for me especially when I am feeling bad.  I have to pound it back into my brain that they are not sitting with their computer like I am.  They are enjoying the summer day and at the pool or park… I am the one with no energy to walk up a flight of stairs today.  (Have I mentioned before that fibro SUCKS!?)  I sent a couple of texts to a friend and managed to say the wrong thing and make him mad.  And my boyfriend has been withdrawn and quiet today since he came home from work.  So I feel more disconnected.

Missed meds, loneliness, worry for a friend in the hospital… it all descends on me now that it is dark and the world has fallen quiet.  For me there are a million thoughts screaming within.  Sometimes I can keep up with the din and write out the clatter at least as fast as it sounds, but not always.  If I can cut the noise in half I feel I have accomplished something.  So I write, I ramble, I try to connect to one small portion of the universe.  My little piece of star-dust… thank you for listening tonight.

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