Shy Beyond Words

The daily prompt of youth has me stumped.  I have thrown words around for a poem.  Tried to draw on the good and bad of my childhood.  And even looking to a child of war in the news this week.  The backspace won on all those issues.  Youth, especially mine, is not an easy subject for me.

I was shy… so much so even a trip to visit grandparents, aunts and uncles I saw only twice a year would see me become extremely withdrawn.  I think now looking back on it, it may have been early signs of my anxiety disorder showing through.  I would hide behind my parents and have to be persuaded to speak.  One on one would take at least a full day before I would open up much.

Being the shy kid at school also had its effects.  I had few friends and would be picked last for team play in gym.  I would always get marks on my report card to speak up and join in more.  I just couldn’t, I was too terrified to be wrong.  I was convinced the entire class would laugh at me.  I hated reading time when we took turns reading out loud as I would stumble on words and usually hear at least one snicker in the classroom.

Just writing about the memories I feel my chest tighten and a little of that fear return.  But I know what it is now.  I can safely go back and look at the pain with a little knowledge.  It give me a little validation for how I felt back then.  And to know all the times I heard people tell me to “just get over it” were wasted words and not something broken in me.

Remember not to push the next generation.  At least now we have more of an understanding of anxiety and depression issues in children as well as adults.  It is not something to be shy about.  On my depression and anxiety I will not shy away from speaking the truth.  I am getting help and know I am not alone.  None of us are.  (((HUGS)))

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