I am having a really rough night. Lots of pain both physically and emotionally. I can’t sleep and that is causing more anxiety since I have to be awake in 4 1/2 hours. I tried to turn to a friend tonight and got brushed off before I had a chance to ask for help… it hurt. I hate nights like this.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but that is still over 14 hours away. I looked to a depression group for another place to find “a friend” and an hour now with no response. I feel invisible.
I know this is not the nice blog I can write, my mind is all over the place and I feel very lost in the dark of this night. Money problems, relationship problems and the vanishing friends all do nothing but fuel the fire. It is a roaring inferno now.
I know I have depression and I have nights like this, and I have gotten through them before…. but that doesn’t make them any less scary. Some of my thoughts are out right cruel, some make me want to scream and others just whimper in the background. I’m sorry but I fucking hate depression and anxiety!!!!
If I could just get off this vicious cycle of, okay, then bad, then better, than much worse, then alright, then livable, then… No one to talk to at 1:30 am. And if there was I would only be a bother anyway. I hope I have not bothered you too much with my ramblings. Sometimes it helps if I try to get the poisonous words out… sometimes it doesn’t. Maybe there is someone else out there suffering tonight… it is better if we don’t suffer alone. So pull up a chair and let’s face the demons in the dark together.