“Friendship” Frustrations

I think I am doing something wrong.  I am getting so tired of “giving” everything in a friendship and not getting anything back.  If it was just one or two friends I would not worry about it so much but I can name at least 4 “friends” in the last couple of years that never or very rarely return any kind of giving.  And I am not talking about gifts … just simply giving time, love, basic caring.  I am tired of unanswered emails, ignored cards and letters, text messages that are never replied to.

What am I doing wrong?  Do I just have the talent of picking all the “worst” people?  These are people I have cared about and thought cared about me but they sure don’t show it.  I understand getting busy but… I have one friend in the past year I have seen ONCE for about 15 minutes.  This was after she used to visit weekly.  Another friend has health issue, I understand that… but is typing an email with “I’m doing ok” so time-consuming?  Another friend who I have sent letters to three times now and not even a quick phone call to say she got them.

Do I just misunderstand friendship?  I have always thought when you care you give of yourself in the relationship.  Is that the wrong kind of thinking?  I really even like to give.  Sending a card or letter when I know someone is down, or just out of the blue for a little bit of a break from the bills in the mail.  A text just to say I love you in the middle of the day.  An offer of a listening ear when there are problems going on.  But I have been left alone and wondering too many times.

So I must be doing it wrong.  I should only reply to half of what I receive.  I should stop with the random sentiments.  And never take the time to write an actual letter to someone to send with a card that is not in digital form.  I need to harden my heart and be a part-time “friend” so I match up with what others are doing.  Or am I just picking the wrong people to trust and love?  Do you share and give or yourself with your friends?  Or as a society have we just all become self sufficient?

I may ramble here, but I know I wont change and I will continue to get to a point when it piles up and I think I am the only one who gives once again.  I like to do things that make people smile.  But just once I would like the kindness to be returned.  Is that too much to ask?

Every Day

my hands twist in pain

my head throbs

my shoulders ache

my neck is in knots

my back shoots sharp pains

my legs feel heavy and weak

my ankles pop and crack

I am fatigued

I am confused

I am sad

I am frustrated

BUT

my life goes on

I am still me

fibromyalgia will not win

depression will not rule me

I fight every day

to NEVER lose me

Hello Again

Hello once again my friend out there… the reader in the distance… my connection to some hope.  I am facing another night with rambling thoughts bouncing about in my mind with a wish to quiet my inner noise.

I am dealing with a problem that happens far more often than it should… I forgot to take my meds this morning.  I have them in a pill case to remind me even.  I have an alarm that goes off every day at 11 to remind me to take them if I haven’t yet.  And still somehow a day will squeak by and I am oblivious to my neglect until it is far to late in the day for morning pills.  So I have a headache that just grows.  I get more sensitive to emotions – a mood swing almost.  And I ache more.  It really reminds me of just how out of control I am with my body and mind at times.

To someone who has never dealt with mood swings it is hard to explain.  I had my first experience with them after my chemotherapy left my hormones a mess.  I took some meds to try to straighten them out and I would have such a drastic move from one emotion to the next it felt worse than riding a roller coaster without a seat belt. Calm to bitch in 2 seconds and then a bawling baby in another tick of the clock.  It was hell.

This is like that only a more gradual descent into chaos.  Usually by the time I realize there is a problem it is too late to stop it.  And then I add, on top of the symptoms, guilt and frustration as I am mad at myself for not remembering to take them.  Do you ever miss your meds?

I have spent a good part of the day trying to reach out to a couple of friends.  I sent a couple of long emails and have as of yet not heard anything back.  Insecurity is HUGE for me especially when I am feeling bad.  I have to pound it back into my brain that they are not sitting with their computer like I am.  They are enjoying the summer day and at the pool or park… I am the one with no energy to walk up a flight of stairs today.  (Have I mentioned before that fibro SUCKS!?)  I sent a couple of texts to a friend and managed to say the wrong thing and make him mad.  And my boyfriend has been withdrawn and quiet today since he came home from work.  So I feel more disconnected.

Missed meds, loneliness, worry for a friend in the hospital… it all descends on me now that it is dark and the world has fallen quiet.  For me there are a million thoughts screaming within.  Sometimes I can keep up with the din and write out the clatter at least as fast as it sounds, but not always.  If I can cut the noise in half I feel I have accomplished something.  So I write, I ramble, I try to connect to one small portion of the universe.  My little piece of star-dust… thank you for listening tonight.