Shivering

Today’s daily prompt is shiver… it brings to mind bad times.  Times when I would shiver in the midst of a panic attack.  When I would be so afraid and mad at the same time during a heavily drunken night with my ex-husband. And crying so much my body would shiver when I lost a couple of good friends.

I live in Iowa, I should think of good winter fun when I see the word shiver, but I don’t.  I recall many drives in the winter on the way to work where I could feel the anxiety over having to drive slow for the roads but knowing I could not be late for work, it triggered panic attacks more than once.  My wonderful manager told me to drive in to work and show them the panic attack so they would believe me.  That in itself is almost maddening enough to make me shiver with anger over the danger they wanted me to put myself and all others on the road into that morning.

Fear and anger gripped me so tightly many nights with my alcoholic husband.  I owe some of that to childhood memories of a mom who had a drunken rampage destroying the living room while I lay in bed terrified she would come upstairs and throw things in my room. I would shiver and strain to listen to what my husband was doing downstairs.  I would hold my breath while he staggered up the stairs, ready to jump into action if he should try to go into our daughters room.  I had to do all I could to cover her eyes to the ugliness that took place while she slept.

I can think of two close friends I lost that left me so deeply saddened I shivered with streaming tears.  One “friend” left in such an abrupt manner with no contact I was left shocked for months.  To this day I don’t understand how he flipped the switch to off so easily… people tell me he wasn’t a true friend, but that didn’t stop the pain I felt from that loss.  My other friend (due to reasons I can’t really explain) had to move back to his home after only 4 months of FINALLY being able to spend time together since we met on the internet 5 years earlier.  I still have contact with him at least.  I just feel I lost so much when he left.  Maybe it is all in my mind, but it still brings tears after more than a year.

I am in the heat of summer and now after all this reflection I feel the need to wrap in a blanket and try to comfort myself until the shivers once again stop…

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