Cast The First Stone

With a loud plop

The stone began its fall

The water slowed its descent slightly

And I watched with fascination

The way the waves rippled outward

Almost as if the stone sent out a warning

“The end is near!”

This creek is too shallow I thought to myself

While morbid ideas danced in my mind

I shook my head and took a deep breath

I will not let the demons get to me

It is only a rock in the water

No metaphors today

I make a mental note to remember

Next time skip the rock across the water

Never let me see it fall to the watery graveyard

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The Aftermath

the ice cream is melted and dripping

what is left of the cake is smashed

wrapping paper torn to shreds

the scene almost looks eerie

there are no people around

only empty memories left behind

another year spent frivolously

no hopes to hang dreams on

just another year stretched out before you

on the uncaring road of life

 

A Hand To Hold No More

Don’t make eye contact

just stare at the sidewalk.

He is walking this way

and the pain is still raw.

A love not returned

is a love that is lost.

But you swallow the pain

and pretend it doesn’t hurt

You dash into a doorway,

out of sight out of mind.

As he strides right past you,

you start to cry.

No one can shake you

the way that he can…

to this day it still hurts

that you can’t hold his hand.

Shivering

Today’s daily prompt is shiver… it brings to mind bad times.  Times when I would shiver in the midst of a panic attack.  When I would be so afraid and mad at the same time during a heavily drunken night with my ex-husband. And crying so much my body would shiver when I lost a couple of good friends.

I live in Iowa, I should think of good winter fun when I see the word shiver, but I don’t.  I recall many drives in the winter on the way to work where I could feel the anxiety over having to drive slow for the roads but knowing I could not be late for work, it triggered panic attacks more than once.  My wonderful manager told me to drive in to work and show them the panic attack so they would believe me.  That in itself is almost maddening enough to make me shiver with anger over the danger they wanted me to put myself and all others on the road into that morning.

Fear and anger gripped me so tightly many nights with my alcoholic husband.  I owe some of that to childhood memories of a mom who had a drunken rampage destroying the living room while I lay in bed terrified she would come upstairs and throw things in my room. I would shiver and strain to listen to what my husband was doing downstairs.  I would hold my breath while he staggered up the stairs, ready to jump into action if he should try to go into our daughters room.  I had to do all I could to cover her eyes to the ugliness that took place while she slept.

I can think of two close friends I lost that left me so deeply saddened I shivered with streaming tears.  One “friend” left in such an abrupt manner with no contact I was left shocked for months.  To this day I don’t understand how he flipped the switch to off so easily… people tell me he wasn’t a true friend, but that didn’t stop the pain I felt from that loss.  My other friend (due to reasons I can’t really explain) had to move back to his home after only 4 months of FINALLY being able to spend time together since we met on the internet 5 years earlier.  I still have contact with him at least.  I just feel I lost so much when he left.  Maybe it is all in my mind, but it still brings tears after more than a year.

I am in the heat of summer and now after all this reflection I feel the need to wrap in a blanket and try to comfort myself until the shivers once again stop…

Once Upon A Fragile Mind

The black tower surrounds me

Locking me deep into my depression

The fierce dragon of anxiety breathes

Fires of frustration and fear heating the walls

No brave prince comes to save me

No fairy godmother is here

My own lack of confidence keeps me chained

Afraid to take a step towards the drawbridge

Certain I can’t cross the moat

To ever find a positive destiny for myself

And break the spell trapping me here forever