Starting The Party Early

I hear the sound and cringe
How will I ever make it through
There is still a full week to go by
And the neighbors are already
Celebrating the Fourth of July
With fireworks booming
I am fine during the day
But when the still of night is here
And a sudden blast rattles the windows
That is when I jump
That is when my anxiety peaks
That is when I am on alert
And all tensed for the next bang
I cringe again…
They have not quit for the night yet
Until they do I will be
Hyper vigilant for the next explosion

Happy and Grateful – Day 175

June brings warmer weather and the start of summer.  Hopefully it brings many ideas from my muse too.  I continue to write for my challenge to find the things that make me happy and grateful each day this year.  Please feel free to join me in this challenge with comments about your happiness and gratitude or start your own blog.  There is always something good to find in each day.

Due to the BEAUTIFUL outdoor wedding yesterday and my boyfriend’s mom staying the night with us, I am a little late with this post.  I find it very hard to write with others around and the words were just not coming last night so here I am in the quiet of the afternoon posting while my boyfriend naps.

The weather was about as close to perfect as you could get for an outdoor wedding.  It was in the low to mid 70’s and a light breeze blowing.  We did have a small grey cloud float by that let out about a dozen rain drops, but isn’t rain on your wedding day supposed to be good luck – does anyone know if that is the saying?  So above all else I have to say I was grateful for a beautiful day.

The highlight of the wedding of course were the kids.  Two ring bearers (around 4 years old) and two flower-girls (about 20 months).  All but one of them made the trip down the aisle, one of the flower girls had to be carried.  Then the happy couple had their “kids” both there.  A German Sheppard to walk the aisle with the groom and a beautiful white (not sure of the breed) dog walking with the bride and her father.  They were all rather well-behaved for the amount of people around.  But it was after the ceremony when the big kids came out to play.

The couple is big football fans and tailgate a lot.  The color scheme was after their favorite college team.  And apparently the mascot is for “rent” by the hour for events.  So the wedding party had the mascot there for pictures and dancing.  It was so fun to watch the bride and groom’s faces light up at this moment… made me happy.

By the time we got home (I had to take some food to my Dad still after the wedding) it was getting late.  We chatted a bit and went to bed.  Now I should put down the computer and find some happy and grateful for today, huh?  Stay happy!

Behind The Masks

They give the illusion

Of a happy couple

But hidden deep

Is a secret

 

The masks they wear

Make things look perfect

But the truth is

Something darker

 

An addiction to the bottle

And the need to hide it

He is a slave to alcohol

And she tries to keep it hidden

 

He drinks to drowned his worries

She worries about his health

He misses so much of life

She is missing peace and calm

 

Together they play their roles

In this tragedy of life

He the alcoholic

She the co-dependant

 

Will they ever find happiness

Will life ever be normal

He must fight for his own life

She must focus on herself for a change

 

Life with alcoholism is an illustion

Seeing only what you are allowed to

He the “life of the party”

She the “happy housewife”

Happy and Grateful – Day 174

June brings warmer weather and the start of summer.  Hopefully it brings many ideas from my muse too.  I continue to write for my challenge to find the things that make me happy and grateful each day this year.  Please feel free to join me in this challenge with comments about your happiness and gratitude or start your own blog.  There is always something good to find in each day.

Today was beautiful… lower 80’s and mostly sunny.  We opened the apartment back up and had the cool breeze of the night blowing in.  A wonderful way to end the night.

Tonight we went to the rehearsal for a nephew’s wedding.  I had to take an anxiety pill and am now thinking of a pain pill after the little bit of standing we did until we found a table to sit at.  It was a nice dinner, but as usual I felt like the outcast.  My boyfriend’s family is not the friendliest and don’t know that they said more that two words to us.  But I survived and didn’t make a fool of myself so that is a plus.  I am grateful it went ok.

I am taking a simple happiness tonight.  Having the windows open again, listening to the crickets, occasionally seeing a lightning bug flash by… a rare cool summer night.  I will take as many as I can get!

What was your happy moment of the day?

Happy and Grateful – Day 173

June brings warmer weather and the start of summer.  Hopefully it brings many ideas from my muse too.  I continue to write for my challenge to find the things that make me happy and grateful each day this year.  Please feel free to join me in this challenge with comments about your happiness and gratitude or start your own blog.  There is always something good to find in each day.

Today was the drive to the city… if you take the interstate there it is about a 45 minute drive.  I have too much anxiety with the heavy traffic and high speeds so I take the highway and go through town.  It about doubles the drive time, but I can handle it a little better.  I survived the drive and had a good talk with the doctor about my depression and anxiety.  She decided to up the dosage on my Abilify.  Let’s hope it helps.  I am happy the drive there and back, though stressful, was without incident.

The rest of the day was for recovery – taking an anxiety pill, putting my feet up in the chair and watching another episode of Banshee.   My boyfriend fixed an amazing dinner of honey Dijon chicken, sweet potato fries and broccoli.  I am grateful that he likes to cook and takes that task out of my hands.  He is a very good cook.

Now I am finishing writing this with no internet access… I hope it comes back up before I go to sleep.  If not I will post it tomorrow as soon as I can.  Hope you all feel grateful!

Pen, Paper and You

I grab the paper and crumple it up

Give it a toss towards the trash

Again I pick up a pen to begin to write

The blank paper glares at me

The pen skips across the manuscript

Flowing emotions into words

But no matter how hard I try

The words give you no justice

Another sheet is launched to the bin

How can you express how special a person is

In only a few words of love

You will always be my savior

But I can never truly thank you enough

Words just don’t convey my love for you

Or the gratitude I feel that you are my friend.

These are only mere words on parchment…

Happy and Grateful – Day 172

June brings warmer weather and the start of summer.  Hopefully it brings many ideas from my muse too.  I continue to write for my challenge to find the things that make me happy and grateful each day this year.  Please feel free to join me in this challenge with comments about your happiness and gratitude or start your own blog.  There is always something good to find in each day.

Anxiety has been my shadow today.  I have done what I can to try not to worry, but I keep stressing about my drive to the city tomorrow and both the rehearsal dinner and wedding this weekend.  A room of strangers and a handful of people I know a little… plus in clothes I am not comfortable in, I am not looking forward to it.

But I forged through the day and came out with my sanity still as intact as it can be this late in life.  My Dad’s doctor appointment got cancelled, and I forgot about a meeting my boyfriend had tonight.  So I spent most of the day on my own.  Besides getting lonely and feeling the blues I did ok.  I am grateful for technology to keep me entertained today with some games and a space to write.  And I was happy I was not completely alone as my cat slept with me a good portion of the day, tucked in right next to my laptop.

Now my night-time dose of anxiety meds and some sleep before my drive tomorrow.  If only there was a local doctor who would take my case… but it does no good to dream about it.  Thanks for stopping by and remember to find your happiness!

Forever On Replay

My mind is stuck

Forever in a loop

Never wanting to believe

You could do me wrong

I trusted you

I believed you

I felt something

When you said you cared

I play it over and over again

The words you said

Then the slamming door

They don’t match up

But they continue to haunt me

To this very day

Years after it happened

Why can’t I let it go

Stop the rewind from playing

The answer has to be

I never stopped loving you

Happy and Grateful – Day 171

June brings warmer weather and the start of summer.  Hopefully it brings many ideas from my muse too.  I continue to write for my challenge to find the things that make me happy and grateful each day this year.  Please feel free to join me in this challenge with comments about your happiness and gratitude or start your own blog.  There is always something good to find in each day.

Happy first day of summer!  Now the days grow hotter and shorter.  And it was a hot one today.  Back near 90’s again today.  At least the humidity wasn’t really high.  I only had to be briefly in it as I went to the local mall to buy the dress pants to go with the shirt and light sweater I got Saturday for the wedding this weekend.  At least they are saying nice temps for that day… although they keep going back and forth on rain chances.  Last I heard it was a 30% chance.  No one wants rain on their wedding day.

But today was pretty mild and that was good as I was having issues with my anxiety.  I was shaking so bad when I went to try on the dress pants I was afraid I might rip them.  So once again I had to take a Lorazepam.  I see my meds doctor this week and we will see what she thinks we should do.  The stress is pretty high right now so we may just keep meds where they are.  I am grateful she is a pretty easy to get along with doctor.  And best of all she LISTENS!  I hate seeing someone who seems rushed and only half paying attention.  I am grateful to have this doctor – really all my doctors I have now are pretty good, I am lucky and I know it.

The rest of the day was pretty routine.  Was close to napping tonight before dinner, but my boyfriend came away from his computer and we started talking about dinner and I got my second wind.  I went to my Dad’s to fix him dinner with no problems.  And now I am relaxing with my laptop while the day comes to a close.  It is good to have just an “ordinary” day sometimes, it makes you appreciate the good ones more.  I guess my happy for the day was a guilty pleasure.  When I was at the mall I got a cup of pretzel bites with a little cheese sauce…. yummy!  I may only get them once or twice a year so it is not like I eat them all the time.

I should go read a couple more posts and then call it a night.  Have to take my boyfriend to work again in the morning.  I wish you all happiness and gratitude for the wonderful things in your day!  Good night.