Required Enrollment

Without my permission
I have been enrolled
Into the School of Hard Knocks
Most students do not enroll themselves
It is a learning institution that is not voluntary
I am taking classes for
Alcoholism, anxiety, death, divorce, depression and fibromyalgia
None of them I would have signed up for
The only one I expected at all was death
Which everyone has to face throughout life
But the others are a part of my schedule
Like it or not
I am forced to do my homework
And shaken-up with quizzes
Someday the true test will challenge me
For now I do the best I can
And know each day I learn a little bit more
Taking me closer to the end of class

What Once Was

Allow me to live my life
To be the person I once was
Allow me to feel more than pain
To be happy and carefree
Permit me to do the things I used to do
To be productive and useful
Permit me to clear my mind
To have only pleasant thoughts
Let me be whole again
To feel alive and worthwhile
Let me spend a day without fear
To feel at peace inside
… please find a way for me to return to my former self

It’s Back

the creature is back
it haunts me day and night
screaming i am doing it wrong
even when i know i’m right
scolding me for even thinking
i could ever get away
physically leaving me shaking
scared to the core
it makes me fear being alone
and being with someone is worse
i never know when it will lash out
i thought i had it caged
i thought things were better
but now the darkness has returned
because the creature is back

Mumbles… goodbye

This week I said goodbye to a wonderful woman, my maternal grandmother. Like my other grandma I saw her as a strong woman in my life. And although she outlived the majority of the friends and family from the area there were still a handful of us there to celebrate her spirit and share stories.

It was agreed that her raspberries from the garden were much better than what the grocery store sold. She was particular about her yard too and would use an old rotary push mower to keep her lawn trimmed… and occasionally a pair of scissors. She went for the defensive side of things and not only would care for her lawn, but would remove weeds and twigs from neighbors yards so they would not end up in hers.

She was always talking about taking her vitamins and my sister and I never got candy from her, instead it was carob covered raisins and rosehip tea. Then there was also the cod liver oil she gave us whenever we stayed overnight…. If you have never had the “pleasure” you don’t know what you are missing, words just can’t describe it! (shudder)

She never drove that I know of, only walked. And she walked everywhere… two to three miles round trip to and from work, to the grocery store about 3 blocks away and carried all her groceries home, to see us and we were about a mile from her house. It never mattered if it was sun, rain, snow or windy she walked in it all.

I am sure going to miss her, but for living to 100 years old she had a full amazing life. Grandma, you will forever be missed, I love you!

 

*I want to apologize for not being very talkative lately… my depression has been worse lately and I just haven’t felt like doing much of anything.  I will hopefully bounce back soon.  In the meantime know that every like is sent with sincerity and I will comment again when the muse brings the words back.

Need To Know

Forgive me for interrupting your day
But I just needed to know
Know that you are still there
And maybe remember who I am
(Once I was your friend)
sympathize with your need for independence
But a part of me still needs
To know if you still care
To know if I still matter in your life
There was a time you told me
I was your whole world
Now I feel like a second class citizen
Stripped of my rights
Only a glancing thought
A shadow of what I once was…