A Little Bit

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She looks in the mirror

And dislikes what she sees

But there once was a day

Not so long ago

Her inner dialog

Would have been all

Hate and vitriol towards herself

Now she may not be happy

But she no longer hates

Instead she is true to her feelings

And knows it is not

Her goal in life to please others

She only has to please herself

And if she has a bad day

It is okay

She is not perfect

But she loves what she has accomplished

And each day is a new chance

To improve little by little


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – vitriol

The Struggle Is Real

“Oh, I give up!  I will never find a nice dress that will fit this oversized body of mine.”

“Relax mom.  So, you haven’t found it yet.  There is still time to look.  But you have to look and not waste any more time, because you won’t have time to send it back again and get another if it doesn’t fit.”

“You don’t understand Paula, I am not the size I should be, and society looks past those of us larger women and rarely design anything worthwhile for us to wear.  It is infuriating trying to buy clothes.  But I will find something for your wedding.”

“Maybe you can order two sizes and keep the one that fits next time.”

“That might work.  I have one more site I can log onto and check otherwise it is down to the wedding shop and a price three times higher.  But I promise not to embarrass you showing up in jeans.”

“Oh Mom, you are being dramatic.”

“Just keep your fingers crossed for me.”


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – fit

Mumbles … Scream

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!  Ok, so maybe there was no ice cream but there was cake!  I missed posting last night as it was my birthday, and I was fortunate enough to spend it with those I care about.  It started with a few posts on Facebook, I got serenaded on the phone by a dear friend, got special gifts in my Animal Crossing game, had dinner and played cards with my daughter and her fiancé, and then went back to spend the late evening with another friend in Animal Crossing.  It was a wonderful day.  One of the best ones I have had in a while… but I think it was because I only took half of the new med I have been struggling with.

Today it was back to the regular dose and I slept off and on through much of the afternoon.  And I know sleep is not far away tonight as I took my meds earlier for a morning scheduled doctor’s appointment.  I just really hate the way this med makes me feel and it has really done nothing for my anxiety.  Today my boyfriend came to give me some cabbage to chew on while he was putting together a large salad for dinner… I saw his hand and was terrified I was looking at spider legs and freaked out.  Yeah, my anxiety is still alive and well.

So, I have one more week of this shit.  Then I will see my doctor again to discuss my lack of progress, actually I think things have gotten worse.  If there is not a change of some kind I really will scream. BUT in the meantime, I will remember having a good day on Saturday.  After all I finally got the elusive blue rose in my Animal Crossing game! 


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – scream

(Picture from free image Google search)

Please Don’t

Quiet please

Don’t do that

I don’t want you

To imitate him

He was a good man

Who was deeply troubled

And no matter what

I went through

All those years

I still loved him

And wish somehow

I could have saved him

So please don’t

Make light of his pain

Stop trying to be him

He was a one of a kind


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – imitate

Mumbles … Dignity

The word I am writing for tonight (yes I am still sadly behind) is dignity.  After the text my boyfriend got all I can think of is death with dignity.  His mom sent him a message that his brother-in-law has stage 4 stomach cancer.  This news does two things.

I want to do what I can to let him know we are thinking of him but obviously at stage 4 a get well soon card is out of the picture.  He has always been a rather withdrawn man.  At family gatherings he tends to be pretty quiet and often will pick up his guitar and just play softly whatever comes to mind.  A friend suggested some kind of music for him to listen to.  I guess he is pretty weak but is now on a feeding tube and hopefully can regain some strength.  Maybe listening to some music would be good for him.

And then the ball is back in my court with another why.  Why does this man who dotes on his grandkids have to face his mortality so suddenly, but I had cancer, beat it and am still alive?  I guess the answer is that cancer is not fair.  Not fair at all.

So, back to death with dignity.  There are so many questions now.  Does he endure chemo to the bitter end or is that a different risk in itself that is feared.  Is he going to be one who just wants to go home and be with family for the time he has left.  But then again there is Covid 19 in the picture and in his weakened state he would be very susceptible to any kind of virus.

The next few days, weeks or maybe months will play out the way they will, there is really no stopping them.  I wish him the best and hope if there is a greater power now is the time to show some mercy please.

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – dignity

Blame

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Did that really just happen

Did you just speak those words

I can’t believe you would do that

Blame me for our problems

After I have done

Everything you asked

Year after year I did

And you still find me at fault

I am dumbfounded

I throw my hands up

I am tired of this war

I leave you with a clear conscious

Knowing I have done all I could

Your life and your decisions

Are fully on you alone


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – dumbfounded

Is That Really Me

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I write when I am happy

I write when I am hurt

I pour out my feelings in words

To make the day complete

There are days though

When I feel someone else take over

And the words spew forth

Full of anger, pain and hate

I study the words and wonder

Thinking I couldn’t possibly feel like that

But there are the words

Written right in front of me

Today I hated myself

And tomorrow I fear the same

If I can’t slow down

This awful pain


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – study

A Perfect 29

“Are you up for a game?” she asked as she held up the cribbage board.

He laughed and said “I could beat you again tonight.”

“Hey, last time I think I won 3 to your 1.”

“True but this rivalry is still fun so deal them and prepare to face your fate!”

She rolled her eyes and laughed a little, “You are so going down!”


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – rivalry

I Do, I Can’t

I don’t want to smile

But I do

I don’t have it in me to laugh

But I do

I don’t feel like sunshine today

But there is not a cloud in the sky

I do try to stay positive

But I can’t

I do practice staying calm

But I can’t

I do take all my medication

But still I am not well

I don’t want to cry

But I do

I don’t want to ache

But I do

I don’t want to bring everyone down

But my depression is intense

I do what I can to be happy

But I can’t

I do try lean on others

But I can’t

I do everything I can think of to be normal

But my illness always has other plans


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – laugh

The Perfect Gift

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It is your birthday honey

I have something for you

I know it is not the wrong size

I don’t have to worry about the color

It is a one-of-a-kind gift

You can return it though

I have to use personal delivery

You can have more than one

It comes from the heart

I cannot gift wrap it

It doesn’t cost a fortune

And I give it to you freely

So open up your arms

Let me give you a hug

And we will see

Where the gift leads us…


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – delivery