Whoa, this is a big one. I have a lot of fears but to narrow it down to my “greatest fear” I would have to say being alone. Maybe left alone too early when I was younger, with a mile-long list of things not to do, I began to fear it then. Now It has become a fear of not having anyone to care for me, who will mourn me, or miss me in the slightest. Since my diagnosis of fibromyalgia, depression and anxiety I have lost 3 people who I thought were good friends of mine. A fourth has had very little time for me. And a fifth just communicates when they need something.
Not all of them could be bad people, so it has to be me, right? I have one beautiful daughter and a VERY BIG case of empty nest syndrome, so she is about all the family I have, and I wonder of my value in her life anymore.
A funeral no one would come to except maybe to laugh at my urn. Might as well sweep me up with the kitty litter… see what being alone does to me. Honestly, I know it is none of my business why people do or do not like me, it is not my business what is in their heads. I do still have four friends I can count on so I am not alone. It is just hard to not feel that way when I sit alone in a room with only my laptop writing when I can’t sleep. Some nights the shadows speak louder than I do.
There are times I wonder if I should have been born at a different time (I would have fit in with the hippies of the 60s I think) but in reality it is a different place where I should have been born. Don’t get me wrong I love my hometown and have no desire to move. But I think I should have been born Italian. I love pasta! Spaghetti, lasagna, mac and cheese, fettuccine, the list goes on and on. I like tomato sauce, meat sauce, pesto, even a little beer cheese sauce. I could eat pasta every meal and never get bored of it. In fact it is time for dinner now… oh, how I wish massive amounts of carbs was actually good for you.
I have a lot of people that I admire but I will pick close to home. My grandparents I admired a lot as I grew up. I didn’t really comprehend what they had done in their lifetime until I was much older. They were just teenagers when they married, 16 and 17 I believe. They got an acre of land and bought a trailer to live in. When grandpa got out of the service he began to dig. Well, both of them did actually. They dug an area up for a basement poured concrete for the foundation and began to build their own house. They lived in the little trailer with their first born (my dad) and worked on the house. When the basement was done, they moved from the trailer into the lower level of the house. As my dad grew old enough to help, they did some beautiful stonework for both the fireplace downstairs and the main floor too.
As a kid grandpa used to get after me and my sister if we bumped into the walls or got toys too close to the woodwork. They had shutter doors on both entryways into the living room. Me and my sister liked to play with them too. Grandpa did not like that either. It wasn’t until much later that I realized this house was his masterpiece and he was just protecting his artwork.
To dig a basement, to build a house and do so with (eventually) three boys… took a lot of work and patience. And this was while grandpa worked too. Eventually grandpa started his own repair and handyman service; I remember he was almost always fixing screens and windows or going to install awnings. And grandma was his accountant, bookkeeper, receptionist, assistant… she did a lot.
But through all that work they stayed happily married into sixty plus years. When grandma eventually convinced grandpa to retire, his “job” became fishing and taking grandma on cruises. They had a lot of fun. I look back now and wish I hadn’t missed all those years seeing grandpa only as a disciplinarian instead of the craftsman he was. I learned much earlier all the work grandma did to keep up with the business and care for the cooking and the cleaning. Later in life they also took in my grandma’s mom and grandma cared for her too. She was always on the go.
On top of everything else (if that wasn’t enough) they volunteered at their church a lot. Mowing the grass every week, doing repairs and cleaning. And weekly they would mow grandpa’s mom’s yard and do her grocery shopping too.
I have probably typed my longest post, and this only scratches the surface as to why I admire my dad’s parents. They are greatly missed and still a part of my life, always in my heart.
This post came at the … wrong time? Or maybe it is perfect timing. All I know is this cat was a part of my life for a long time. He is 13 years old and about 4 years ago he went to live with a family friend (at the time I was in an apartment that would only allow 3 cats… my ex had “custody” of the cat and when he died we had three cats then). She has taken great care of him and tonight my daughter called me with the news that he is nearing the end of his life. Through vet visits and time, he has been found to have kidney failure, a collapsed lung and most likely cancer (that caused the collapsed lung). The poor guy! Our friend is going to give him as much comfort as she can, but it won’t be for very long the vet said.
My daughter called him a demon cat… most likely because she played rough with him and he started to fight back. He was still a good cat with me. I remember that last year with him I had him “trained” to be a little toddler. I would stand and pat my thighs and he would stretch up my legs like a toddler wanting to be picked up. It was adorable!
I really wish our friend was closer. I would love to pet him one more time. But I know our friend will give him lots of love from us. This is one of my favorite pictures of him that they have sent us. He always did sleep in weird positions. Rest well sweet boy!
For Fandango’s Dog Days of August (FDDA) #6 – pets
Carolynn grabbed the mail out of the mailbox and closed it back up. Flipping through what was there she saw a letter that caught her eye. She went into her apartment and slipped off her shoes. Threw all but the letter down on the table and sat on the couch to read it.
It was from her Grandma Sheryl and she usually just wrote on birthdays and holidays, this was a bit odd to receive it today. She unfolded a letter and a piece of paper fell out. Bending over she picked it up seeing it was a check for $5000. She audibly gasped. Instantly going back to the letter she read why.
“I am sending you this check so you can enjoy my inheritance while I am still here and can see how happy it makes you. I have discussed this with your father and you and your sister both will receive this check. NO BILLS paid with it… only fun things – a vacation, some new furniture, a year of meals out, that new camera you have been wanting, video games. I am sure you can find something fun to do with it. I just ask in return that you share your joy withme!”
Carolynn was shocked. Just then her phone rang. “Hello? Yeah, I got mine today too. I am just stunned. It is a pretty cool idea though sis.”
Written for Fandango’s Dog Days of August (FDDA) #5 – inheritance
I just recently got a notification that I hit my 7-year blogiversary here on WordPress. Now that milestone is a little misleading as it didn’t become a “regular” posting blog until August of 2016 when I found the WP daily prompt. So, it is more like a 4-year blogiversary.
But there was another milestone I passed recently and that is that my number of posts crossed the 2,000 point. In fact, I am almost 100 past that point. My goal of getting a view from Greenland has still not happened. And my next goal to pass is the number of followers … I am in the 900’s now and look forward to that 1000 mark.
The blog is essential for me to “stay sane” as I often write out my feelings in one form or another. But that is not to say it is all doom and gloom. There are good days and I do fairly well with a little bit of fiction writing too. By far though the best part of blogging has been meeting some great people and wonderful writers and photographers. The blogging community is unlike any other. We support each other and truly care. I have made definite friends here.
My blog is a day behind, so I need to go read, read, read. I thank each and every one of you who are reading for the first time to the 2,000th time. My readers make this a lot more fun! (((HUGS))) to you all!
Written for Fandango’s Dog Days of August #2 (FDDA) – blog