I sit here tonight after another day of working on cleaning out my Dad’s house feeling exhausted. That is one of the biggest problems I have with my health – chronic fatigue. I wish that was all there was, but the fibromyalgia makes me hurt all over, the depression makes me feel all alone and worthless and the anxiety makes me fear going everything. It is an awful mix.
My health has made my life next to impossible some days. I have had extremely dark moments when I want so badly to escape from my life, moment where I could barely get out of bed and panic attacks that made me feel I was having a heart attack. Lately I have struggled with more depression, but between my Dad dying and the continued grey snowy/rainy days we have had it is understandable. But my doctor just tweaked my prescriptions some and we will see if I start feeling better.
I manage some days ok, with my anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills, pain meds and muscle relaxers. There is not a thing to take that takes away the fatigue. I can sleep 6, 8, 10 hours and still need a nap (or two) during the day. Some days I succumb to that need while other days I fight through it and manage to stay awake.
I write out my pain, despair, and fears when things get tough. I read to distract my mind. I connect with friends to find some worth. I am not healthy, but I am still putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. That is the only direction to go.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – health
It came to my attention recently that a lot of bloggers have something in common… no views from Greenland. I am ecstatic over all the overseas views I have gotten, but Greenland is such a big country I want to have it light up pretty colors on my map.
I honestly don’t know much about Greenland. According to Google it is populated, but not by many (56,171) compared to its mass (836,300 square miles). The little town I live in is a higher population than that and I am in the middle of Iowa with the farm fields everywhere.
I did learn that most of that population is along coastlines, but with the nation being mostly ice I am sure they are not the tropical coastlines many dream about. Lots of beautiful pictures of the nation on Google as well. I found this one of some green land around the houses.
I know my Grandmother raved about her trip to Alaska… maybe someday I should travel to Greenland to see the Northern Lights. I do find it interesting how we complain and gripe about the cold and snow and they live surrounded by ice and seem to have a very rich culture.
My theory is this; if I take the time to learn a little about Greenland maybe that country will light up for me. And if not, I will still be just a little bit wiser about the world. So, go Google Greenland and marvel at its beauties, you can become wiser too!
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – theory
Durable, no matter how long I think about it, all that comes to mind is my Dad.
It was over 20 years ago that he had a heart attack and a triple bypass surgery; and still his heart beat on for years. He was diagnosed with diabetes; he watched what he ate (somewhat) and his blood still sustained him for years. He was diagnosed with COPD; and still his lungs breathed in and out for years.
There were stories of harsh winter storms and blizzards he drove through to safety. He fell off a roof helping a friend do a roofing project; had chronic back problems but still stood tall. There were stories of taking down robbers and murderers and a few different riots he worked through; all he survived to see another day on duty.
He had a durable marriage that lasted 49 years until my Mom passed away. He survived raising two daughters that may not have always been the most perfect children… ok, we gave him a lot of headaches but still he showed us love and support.
Durable is one of many words I can use to describe my Dad; missed is another.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – durable
Getting ready to write for whitewash I searched the word definition for some inspiration and found out something I didn’t know. Growing up anytime we played a game (typically cribbage) where someone walked away with a win, we always said the person skunked the loser, especially if their score was zero. We applied it to all walk away wins, but that is also apparently an informal definition of a whitewash.
So, as I get ready to clean and repair my Dad’s house, I may have to think of whitewashing the walls; that is after we clean off years of nicotine stains. But there is nothing about Dad’s past that will need to be whitewashed or covered up. And I will always remember the fun games we used to play fondly; even the ones where he whitewashed me.
That about covers everything… a real whitewash write.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – whitewash
“Tears are the noble language of the eye.” – Robert Herrick
I sit here in the dark with tears welling in my eyes… I fight to keep them from falling. I miss the time I was spending with my Dad no matter how hard it was seeing him in decline. In one week we will have our gathering/visitation to remember him. I am already dealing with anxiety over being in a room with so many people OR being disappointed by how few show up. I remember back to his retirement party and the room it was held in was full, with people standing outside in the hall to hear the festivities.
I am slowly still going through posts while daily remembering people we forgot to contact. I let two more people know today and thought of one more to contact tomorrow. I am trying to go about a normal day as possible but it just isn’t easy. As you can see I am not really writing about noble I am just writing. I am so far behind and know as we clean out Dad’s house there will be more chronic fatigue to deal with. So I say it again… I will get to your posts as soon as I can. I keep trying to move forward. Some days are easier than others, and this has been a hard night. Doing something I normally did for Dad was to pick up things at Walmart… tonight when I went there it hit me that those trips for Dad are done. Just kind of took the wind out of my sails.
I will stop with my babbling fingertips now. My eyes have gone from filled with tears to struggling to stay open. Thanks for putting up with me straggling behind the daily posts and reading. Good night!
Written for (my peace of mind and) Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – noble
According to a google search onerous is ” involving an amount of effort and difficulty that is oppressively burdensome.” It lists synonyms as being heavy, burdensome, crushing, difficult, hard… My mind is in a mess right now and every thought is heavy, crushing and difficult. To create a coherent thought into a sentence is burdensome and hard. I watched my Dad take his last breath tonight, but I have to write. I have to let some words out along with the tears. I have to try to find a little normalicy to ground me.
We just put Dad into hospice care. We had a meeting Wednesday with staff that he should have 24/7 care. We implimented that with staffing from Home Instead by Thursday. He had his first comfort meds on Thursday and just that fast he is gone tonight.
I am sitting up waiting to call a few people in the early morning before they start their days. I can’t see a call in the middle of the night disrupting their sleep when there is nothing they can do.
This is not much of a post, but I have rewritten it three times. I think I will accept this version and post it. There may be a lot of my Dad in my upcoming posts. He was a wonderful man, who is greatly missed.
Written for (my peace of mind and) Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – onerous
Enmity… I won’t hide it. I had to look the word up. According to a Google definition search it is “the state or feeling of being actively opposed or hostile to someone or something.” It is not a word I had heard before, at least not that I remember. And trying to write a poem seemed pretty bleak for this word. So how to mumble about enmity?
There is the “easy” way out and pick on the current government… but I don’t claim to know enough about politics to write a post on it. There are a few somethings I could say I had enmity towards… cancer, dementia and alcoholism to name a few. But I am dealing with enough medical talk while I take care of my father and I just did a post about my alcoholic ex.
What to write… maybe it is that I write nothing? Hostile is not a state of mind I usually get to. I tend to stay pretty quiet and pretty neutral. So maybe this is just not a word that should even be in my vocabulary.
When I first saw it I thought of amity or enemy. I don’t really have any enemies that I know of. And “Amity” is the name of an Oak Ridge Boys song from one of their many albums I have. Sadly there is no video of the song I could share.
Here I sit with nothing more to mumble about except I appreciate each of you making it this far in my random writing. I guess this was more of a stream of consciousness post. Maybe you too have learned a new word today. Maybe I just ate up some of your day with nonsense. Either way, my words are done.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – enmity