“Friendship” Frustrations

I think I am doing something wrong.  I am getting so tired of “giving” everything in a friendship and not getting anything back.  If it was just one or two friends I would not worry about it so much but I can name at least 4 “friends” in the last couple of years that never or very rarely return any kind of giving.  And I am not talking about gifts … just simply giving time, love, basic caring.  I am tired of unanswered emails, ignored cards and letters, text messages that are never replied to.

What am I doing wrong?  Do I just have the talent of picking all the “worst” people?  These are people I have cared about and thought cared about me but they sure don’t show it.  I understand getting busy but… I have one friend in the past year I have seen ONCE for about 15 minutes.  This was after she used to visit weekly.  Another friend has health issue, I understand that… but is typing an email with “I’m doing ok” so time-consuming?  Another friend who I have sent letters to three times now and not even a quick phone call to say she got them.

Do I just misunderstand friendship?  I have always thought when you care you give of yourself in the relationship.  Is that the wrong kind of thinking?  I really even like to give.  Sending a card or letter when I know someone is down, or just out of the blue for a little bit of a break from the bills in the mail.  A text just to say I love you in the middle of the day.  An offer of a listening ear when there are problems going on.  But I have been left alone and wondering too many times.

So I must be doing it wrong.  I should only reply to half of what I receive.  I should stop with the random sentiments.  And never take the time to write an actual letter to someone to send with a card that is not in digital form.  I need to harden my heart and be a part-time “friend” so I match up with what others are doing.  Or am I just picking the wrong people to trust and love?  Do you share and give or yourself with your friends?  Or as a society have we just all become self sufficient?

I may ramble here, but I know I wont change and I will continue to get to a point when it piles up and I think I am the only one who gives once again.  I like to do things that make people smile.  But just once I would like the kindness to be returned.  Is that too much to ask?

Hello Again

Hello once again my friend out there… the reader in the distance… my connection to some hope.  I am facing another night with rambling thoughts bouncing about in my mind with a wish to quiet my inner noise.

I am dealing with a problem that happens far more often than it should… I forgot to take my meds this morning.  I have them in a pill case to remind me even.  I have an alarm that goes off every day at 11 to remind me to take them if I haven’t yet.  And still somehow a day will squeak by and I am oblivious to my neglect until it is far to late in the day for morning pills.  So I have a headache that just grows.  I get more sensitive to emotions – a mood swing almost.  And I ache more.  It really reminds me of just how out of control I am with my body and mind at times.

To someone who has never dealt with mood swings it is hard to explain.  I had my first experience with them after my chemotherapy left my hormones a mess.  I took some meds to try to straighten them out and I would have such a drastic move from one emotion to the next it felt worse than riding a roller coaster without a seat belt. Calm to bitch in 2 seconds and then a bawling baby in another tick of the clock.  It was hell.

This is like that only a more gradual descent into chaos.  Usually by the time I realize there is a problem it is too late to stop it.  And then I add, on top of the symptoms, guilt and frustration as I am mad at myself for not remembering to take them.  Do you ever miss your meds?

I have spent a good part of the day trying to reach out to a couple of friends.  I sent a couple of long emails and have as of yet not heard anything back.  Insecurity is HUGE for me especially when I am feeling bad.  I have to pound it back into my brain that they are not sitting with their computer like I am.  They are enjoying the summer day and at the pool or park… I am the one with no energy to walk up a flight of stairs today.  (Have I mentioned before that fibro SUCKS!?)  I sent a couple of texts to a friend and managed to say the wrong thing and make him mad.  And my boyfriend has been withdrawn and quiet today since he came home from work.  So I feel more disconnected.

Missed meds, loneliness, worry for a friend in the hospital… it all descends on me now that it is dark and the world has fallen quiet.  For me there are a million thoughts screaming within.  Sometimes I can keep up with the din and write out the clatter at least as fast as it sounds, but not always.  If I can cut the noise in half I feel I have accomplished something.  So I write, I ramble, I try to connect to one small portion of the universe.  My little piece of star-dust… thank you for listening tonight.

Again with the words and ramblings…

It has been a long week… only three days really.  I have depression, I have had thoughts of suicide before and have made plans in the past but never been able to go through with it (mainly because I have a daughter I cannot hurt that way).  This week I learned first hand how it can affect others.

A friend who was visiting me decided to try to end her life on my couch.  The details are not important… the pain is.  I have dealt with every emotion at least a thousand times and back around again.  I have felt guilty for not knowing she was in that much pain.  I have been angry at both her and myself.  I have of course felt extreme sadness over her efforts. And even joy… the moment I saw her eyes open again and knew she would live.

Now as she deals with the fact that she is still here she is angry.  The nurses say that is normal.  She will not talk to anyone, refuses visitors or phone calls and will not let any information be shared with friends or family.  I sit and worry she will hate me forever for stopping her efforts.

Knowing now the true scope of emotions I am feeling on this side of a suicide attempt makes it even more clear to me to work things out somehow.  Talk to my therapist.  Reach out to family or friends.  Use a suicide lifeline to talk to someone detached from my life.  Just keep trying to find help.  There IS help out there.  I would much rather be awakened by a friend at 4 am to talk about a major problem than see them in the ER full of tubes and wires trying to regain a descent blood pressure.

I have done all I could to be “clinical” about it all since Wednesday, but the shell is starting to crack.  I suppose that could be because I forgot my morning meds today for both my depression and anxiety, but I know there is only so long the emotions can be reigned in.  I shed tears tonight.  I talked to a friend briefly.  And, as I have done so many other nights, I write.

The words have been purged, the emotions somewhat lifted and my tears are dry.  I will pray for sleep, peace of mind and health for my friend.  And those of you who took the time to read this… tell those you care about how you feel.  You never know when kind words can change someones day and life.

**PLEASE consider the suicide lifeline if you are thinking of taking your own life… 1-800-273-8255 also a live chat available online http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

 

Dear whoever…

To whom it may concern,

I am still here, but not sure why.  I battle depression everyday and today is a bad day.  My boyfriend has a birthday tomorrow and I can’t afford to buy him anything.  I found out my cat is diabetic and need $65 a bag specialty food now.  I have fibromyalgia and am in a painful flare right now.  I am in debt until 10 years past my death.  I am feeling very small under a mountain of problems.  So I write yet again.

I write to relieve some of the stress.  Let some of the pain bleed through the “ink” to soak into a clean fresh page, ultimately to give me a fresh start when I am done.  I feel pointless with my worries.  I have dealt with addicts (alcohol mainly) a lot of my life and I know I have to focus on me because I cannot control them.  Two of them especially … one died from a heart attack and the other from liver failure far to young.

I want to help… that is the codependent in me trying to fix everything.  And with one friend in the hospital and one friend facing jail time I feel I should be able to do SOMETHING to help.  But when I turn to the places that are supposed to help me, I feel very out-of-place.  I never dealt with physical violence with any of the addicts.  Thank God, my husband of 20 years never got behind a steering wheel after drinking.  So many are in real fear for their lives… my problems seem small.

I need to purge and I know this is all coming at top speed in no organized order really.. kind of like my chaotic life.  In Al-anon the first step is realizing our life is unmanageable… I am so there tonight.  Every thought swirling and making me dizzy.  My mind in overdrive trying to find a “free” way to celebrate my boyfriends birthday in a special way.  Trying to pray for money to show up somewhere so I can pay to talk to my friend while he is in jail.  Hoping my other friend comes out the other side of her illness and heads home to her beautiful baby girl.  Oh wait… there is also the friend who has stage 4 cancer… with treatment she may have years but without only months.

So my mind is revving up, racing thoughts take turns on the track, as that damn hamster keeps squeaking on the wheel running on forever with my thoughts.  If I could just silence my head a bit.  If I could find calm.  If I could SLEEP.  If is a rotten word…

So to those of you who are reading this ramble, thank you!  It is good to know there may be someone out there who notices a small insignificant writer from the Midwest who is just searching for some peace.  Page by page, word by word and letter by letter I can lose some of the tensions.  I feel my heart is not racing as fast.  I am breathing a little more deeply and can feel a chance at sleep.  If I don’t stop not and take it, that fleeting moment may be gone for a couple more hours.  I hope you get some rest too… thanks again for listening. my invisible audience I hope is out there.  Good night!

(((HUGS)))

Leigha

Gale Force Anxiety

thoughts swirl into chaos

the lines are blurred

between right and wrong

good and bad

insane whirlwind tumbles

inside my troubled mind

unsure where to go

who to trust

my brain caught in a tornado

one of unending doubt

afraid of today

terrified of tomorrow

calm wind will never blow

so I grasp to hold on

to ride out the future

to escape the past

High School Flashbacks

The past came crashing back.  It hit me like a semi taking out a car in an accident.  I just watched The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and was reminded of all I hated about my days in school.  I suffered from anxiety back then although it was never diagnosed… I was just called shy and told to get over it.  I think that is why I have been feeling so depressed lately.

My father had a surgery and I moved in temporarily to try to help take care of him and save money on home health care.  I feel like that shy child again, because I am cut off from friends outside of internet connections.  I spent much of middle school without friends and only limited ones in high school.  I feel alone like I did back then.

So how do I undo this emotional flash back and get back to the present?  How do I find the hope in friendships and the freedom of being able to come and go as I want to?  How do I return to adulthood without abandoning my Dad?

I have to remember that he is healing and getting better… this will not last forever.  I know my anxiety and depression is here to stay but it is TREATABLE.  I have to remember my positive attitudes, medications and gentle escapes in activities I enjoy can all give me benefits.

Writing can help me purge the emotions that overwhelm me.  I can relive the joys and gentle peace of nature through my collection of photographs I have taken on many walks through the area parks and bicycle paths.  And if I just want to check out from reality I can immerse myself in a game on the internet.  There are ways to cope, I just have to stay focused to remember them.

Today I will make it through.  My past lead me to a lot of days and nights of tears.  I can work through bad days, hours, minutes one moment at a time.  I will focus on the hope of a wish made on a dandelion breath.

Digimax A50 / KENOX Q2
Digimax A50 / KENOX Q2

Worry

What do you say to a friend who wants to die?  How do you balance the purely selfish need to keep your friend versus their need to end the horrible pain they are in.  I know he is in a deep depression and that is a lot of why he is talking like that.  But his life has been one disaster after another.  He has been homeless, abused, and spent time in jail.  The family he still has is not supportive at all.  He has only a handful of friends.  The worst part for me is he now lives a thousand miles away.  Add in the depression and he is even further away.

I know depression.  I myself have been in a place where death seemed so much easier than life.  I had enough friends and family around that I knew I needed help and got it.  My friend is alone a lot.  And that terrifies me.  The fine line I must balance is between being a friend while offering support and becoming too pushy.

I know I cannot control him.  I know I cannot stop him.  All I can do is love him and hope this depression lessens soon for him.  In the mean time I wait and worry.  I know he has the numbers to reach out to.  He is strong no matter how he feels right now.  The magnitude of what he has survived so far is enormous.  I know he is tired.  But he can overcome this.  I have to believe that.  I love him like a brother and I always will.  We go through this depression as best as we can, together in heart.

Tick Tock

I sit here listening to the hands tick slowly on the clock.  Another night wide awake and needing to sleep.  So as my mind clicks from thought to thought and the clock keeps the beat I wait.  Tonight is not unlike others I have survived through.   It gets later and the alarm light stares at me from across the room to let me know of the looming morning.  I take medication prescribed to “help” me sleep but they often fail me.  Well that is not true.  They work just fine about 2 or 3 hours before the alarm goes off and then I find it hard to wake up.  Thus is the cycle of insomnia.  To be blunt… it SUCKS!

I turn to the internet.  I try to play a mind numbing game.  I try to read.  I practice deep breathing and relaxation techniques with the help of meditation videos.  And then I look at the clock again.  It is moving too fast.  I practice night-time math.  If I fall asleep in a half an hour I can still get “x” number of hours of sleep.  Once the equation equals less than 5 I begin to play a game of chance.  Rolling the dice on how bad tomorrow would be if I just stay awake.  Can I plan on a nap tomorrow sometime?  Can I go to sleep earlier tomorrow night – that one is always worth a laugh.

I guess it is time to try again… shut of the computer.  Try to just breathe calmly again.  Just don’t tell me the key is to count sheep.  Here’s hoping this is really “goodnight” my internet friends.