My Titanic

I want to turn back the clock
Find a way to just unlock
This distance between us two
Because I feel broken and blue.
I want to have hope again
And think maybe I could win,
Not be the loser I fear
Whenever you are not near.
But distance, time and years
Are in control of the gears
That steer this sinking ship
On a doomed path trip.
Never will I be enough for you,
Even though my love is true.
I must find a way to forget
I’m a piece that never will fit
This puzzle of love and joy.
Just remember my heart is not a toy…

Just A Minute…

Can I take a minute of your time?  This month is mental health awareness month and if anyone out there is actually reading my blogs I am sure you know I have issues with depression.  I admit it fully and will add in some anxiety disorder for good measure too.  Some days if feels like a recipe for disaster and other day can be close to what some call normal.  Tonight I am not normal.  I am crying and missing a friend who has locked me out of his life.  I often wonder if that was because of my depression.  He was very kind and caring at first and I thought we were great friends… then he asked to borrow some money.  I gave it to him and felt I had really helped a friend out… that is when little things changed.  He would no longer stand and talk for 5 or 10 minutes with me just because.  Text responses became less and less until he was never responding. And a phone call was out of the question.  …so why did he leave?

That was about 4 years ago.  Now another friend I have actually known almost as long has started not responding to email.  Another friend will never answer a phone call.  And one more friend I used to visit at least once every week or two seems to always be busy.  Depression takes those things and turns them ALL into my fault.  I did something wrong.  I am the toxic person in any relationship.  I am doomed to be alone.  Even my boyfriend is more and more distant.  Is there any chance for an open and honest depressive to have a social life at all?  Are we all destined to sabotage our relationships some how?

I have no answers only questions and sadness.  The longer the sadness stays with me the worse I get … so I write.  I used to write to my friends, but I think that may be part of the problem.  So now I write to everyone and more likely no one.  I am not good at this blog thing…. but just maybe one night I will connect with one person and they will see there is a way to let go of some of the depression and purge a little of the pain.  To you dear reader … or if I dare to dream readerS…  thank you for taking time, for giving me just a minute of your time.  Letting me bleed out the pain like ink drops on paper (or keyboard to screen as it were). does help me a little and if there is only one single person out there having a bad night that sees a small connection and a bit of hope, then my late night ramblings are worth it.  I will continue to expose my gaping wounds and try to find ways to heal… there is plenty of room on the depression train.  Take a ride with me and I will supply the words and tissues.

Truly thanks for reading!

Falling On Deaf Ears

I scream the words in silent fits of rage
They flow mist like past the unaware ears
Never do they meet and my heart shatters
Knowing the truth would be my death
The words were as honest
As the deafening silence replied
Creating a vacuum of unanswered dreams
A black hole my heart disappears into
One shard at a time…

Balance of Justice

I am writing of something pretty personal today.  No names, no states, no identifying details.  I am faced with how unfair “justice” can be due to problems a friend is enduring that I want to scream.  Don’t get me wrong… what he did was wrong and he served his time and takes responsibility that he did it.  The problem comes from lack of forgiveness with the system.

He was a young man still in his teen years and she was a younger teenager… youth and the lack of right and wrong at that age can get you in trouble.  Throw a random drug or two into the mix and stupidity can go off the charts.  Still it was a crime and he spend his time in jail and on probation.  He took all his classes and therapy he was required to take.  He held down jobs through the chaotic madness of the officials calling whenever to make him come in for random drug tests.  He did all he was supposed to.  Now he wants to make a better life.

He has put in motion plans to start over.  This crime was over 10 years ago.  It did however land him on the sex offender registry.  Don’t get me wrong.  There are repeat criminals and violent criminals who should be “monitored” to a degree.  But if two teenagers have sex and one is a minor…. why should the older “kid” have to pay forever?  I saw a story on a social web site about a man standing buck naked at his front door on a regular basis for all to see him… and the cops can do nothing about it.  A person can commit a violent robbery or even a murder or manslaughter charge and once their jail and probation time is done they report to no one.

The rules in place to “protect” us from repeat offenders and pedophiles are important, but there needs to be understanding too.  There are people on these lists who will never do anything to put them back in jail.  BUT… they have to spend the rest of their lives in a public view.  They struggle to find work.  But struggle even more to find a place to live.  There are so many zones set up with schools, day care centers and libraries that restrict where they can’t live… problem being there is no way to find a place where they CAN live.  And if they do they are often surrounded by those not ready for a fresh start who are the repeat offenders that are a risk to others.

I believe in laws to protect us but when justice is served cold hearted and cruelly does anyone win?  My friend could offer so much to the world.  By the time the world stops slamming doors in his face though I doubt there will be anything left to share.  And that is the biggest crime of all!

A Princess, A Knight and A Rant

Once upon a time…

The world does not have fairy tales.  It has the monsters and demons but never the happy ending.  Why do we make almost all stories end happy?  When was the last time you left a movie upset because the ending did not wrap things up in a neat little smile?  There is always a message of hope or a future of possibilities waiting in sparkling rainbows.  That is not real life.

Life seems more like a formula of one step forward two steps back.  There is a new baby for a friend, while 4 others suffer the loss of a family member or close friend.  One person I know gets a job, while two others still hit the pavement turned away door after door.  Even something as simple as a great sale at the store on meat, but the price of bread and milk sky-rocket.  Where is the balance?

As a kid teeter totters were fun, even the unexpected bump occasionally.  Now the bumps leave me bruised and I am light headed from the up and down with no stopping.  A merry-go-round brought smiles at 6 years old, now life’s unending spin leaves me dizzy with confusion and frustration.  Back when life was full of innocence a roller coaster gave a small scare before the rush of wind in a free fall.  Now life’s roller coaster emotions leave me in pain gasping for relief.

If fairy tales were real family would not rob each other, friends would never lie, lovers would not cheat and we would always help out a stranger.  Sadly that is not reality… can I become a kid again?

Dreams To Ashes

Dreams twist realities
Anticipations take flight
Then in one bleak moment
A crushing fist of truth
Slams into my heart
The words of denial
Kill all confidence in me
Wishes are slaughtered
With the actions of certainty
I am left empty
Fantasies now burned ashes
Only nightmarish facts glare
I am not good enough
I am worthless
Unwanted
Alone

I Have A Question

Can I ask a favor?
-What do you need?
Time to adjust…
-To what?
The way that I feel.
-About what?
I thought I was asking the question?
-Ask away, but be prepared to answer too.
I am scared.
-That is not a question.
I am trying to face reality, while living in a dream.
-And your question is what?
What can I do?
-About what?
How do I stop my heart?
-Why do you have to stop it?
Because it is not fair.
-Life is not fair.
Just never mind…
-You know that I hate that.

-Just ask what you want.
The question is pointless.
-Let me decide that.
Can I have my heart back?

The Scared Child of 48

I am 48 and glad to admit that.  Most women shy away about their age.  I learned as soon as I heard the word cancer 11 years ago, that age was a reward every year, month, week, day and moment we receive it.  But although I am 48 I often am that same scared little girl, so shy I am almost afraid of my own shadow.  I have enough issues with depression and anxiety that I now find small problems and impending confrontations can leave my heart racing and put me in a state of crisis for days on end.  It makes me feel so far from an adult… just a stupid scared little girl who can’t do anything for herself for fear of making things worse.

Today is one of those days.  Not only am I stuck between choices, but I feel I lose a lot with either one.  My choice of daughter over friend (which I have no doubt I will choose) leaves me so deeply saddened… and maybe slightly angry with my daughter for putting me in that place.  My choice of friend may keep him from feeling everyone has turned on him when he has met so many slamming doors already.  All I want to do is help… but if I do I could lose my daughter. She is my life.

So fear has my chest in a tight grip.  What I felt was going to be a great thing to help a friend out and give me some peace of mind with daily assistance has now become impossible without losing my daughter.  I fear though if I don’t help my friend, he may lose his life.  Fear is dragging me into a corner.  Fear is showing me nothing but bad endings no matter where I turn.  Fear makes me want to have an ending… but that would be a story for a different kind of note and not simple 1 am ramblings of a 48-year-old anxiety riddled child.  Time to pull the blanket over my head and think in my fort.  Think and cry until the fear can be safely eliminated.  Nighty night…sleep tight.. don’t let the bed bugs bite.

Discipline and practice…

I have been bad.  My health is taking over my life and recently I have let it.  I have fallen into the pain and depression and stopped fighting for me.  The one way I often fought back was through words.  Reading, writing… any way to escape or let the pain out.  I am not big on New Year’s resolutions but this post I got in a Pinterest email shook me awake to what I have been doing wrong.  I have ignored some of the best self medication I had.  That is going to stop.  I am going to pick up books.  I even got one for inspiration at Christmas called Poem Crazy.  It was one I had checked out from the library and found the link in nature and words very inviting.  However the nature part is on hold with wind chills in the negative teens.  BUT I can work on all that is listed here.  I am not out to write a novel or manuscript.  I am out to maybe connect with that one person who needs to know they are not alone.  Or the one reader who needs a lift on a bad day.  Someone who is always kept from nature who might need to recall the smell of fresh-cut grass tickling his nose.  I want to get back to writing.  I want to find my inner discipline again and practice a little peace of mind with words.  Practice they say make perfect… I’d settle for better.

cool-write-read-people-habit-quote