Mumbles … Alcohol

I have a love hate relationship with alcohol.  That comes after being married to an alcoholic for twenty years, about 13 to 14 years of that I knew he had a problem.  The thing is, if he doesn’t admit to a problem, it will never change and believe me, I tried to change it.  Even once I got him to admit he did have a problem, he still didn’t want to change.  By the time he realized he would lose his family, it was too late, he couldn’t change.  It still makes me so sad and angry (at the disease not him) all at the same time.

When we first were together, we were young and doing what young people do – going out to hear bands play and drinking some.  There were even nights he wouldn’t drink as we had gone out of town to see someone play.  So, no problem, right?

Then there were shake ups at work and he had more to calm his nerves when he got home.  This was when the conditions started.  “Once this happens, I will quit.”  This was everything from work to a new home, a child, etc.  There was always a this that was not enough.  Then what I think sealed his fate… his mom died.

His depression was bad, but he wouldn’t get help; he self-medicated and with alcohol being a depressant it was just getting a lot worse.  He did try treatment, it only lasted a short time, he left before he was through the process.  He and I divorced… he said he quit drinking, but the proof was still all around.  Until one day, he died at home alone.

Alcoholism effects the whole family.  It made me crazy trying to find ways to stop him – hiding his bottles, pouring them out, begging, crying, yelling – but it was not my problem to fix.  It has been such a huge impact on my life.  To this day I still debate having even one drink.  I have somewhat come to terms with what happened.  I still feel guilty from time to time – if I had only done something sooner or demanded he get help or talked to other family about it.  But I had been too ashamed to admit that we were not a perfect little family.  And in the end, alcoholism took away my absolute best friend and love of my life.

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Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – alcohol

Inhaling Fumes

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I can’t stand it

Like toxic fumes

From a running car

Breathing in

Your alcohol heavy breath

Is almost enough to

Get me drunk too

But I won’t drink anymore

A stupid voice inside

Tells me then you

Might stop too

But that was just

Another broken dream

For you never did stop

And those fumes

Were a big part of why

I walked out the door


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – fumes

Friday Night Celebration

She stopped with her coworkers at the local pub.  She had a celebratory drink as the big project at work was finished and after all this was Friday, the start of a weekend.  Her partner on this project bought everyone a shot of tequila and the team slammed them down.  This was one of the secretary’s birthday too, so she ordered shots for everyone too.  Before she finished her margarita to head home, someone placed another shot of tequila in her hand and she downed it in no time.

Now she was getting ready to leave and one of the staff members asked if she needed a ride home.  “No, I’ve got my car and it is just about 10 blocks away.”  Her partner watched her swerve a little as she walked and came up behind her taking the keys out of her hand.  “You’re not driving any where tonight.  I can just see the serious repercussions of you getting behind the wheel after all those shots… so many things could happen, and I would rather not visit you in either jail or the hospital.”

She stumbled again and turned around saying, “You are right, I am a little tipsy.  Maybe I can order an Uber if I can just find my phone.”

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – repercussions

Unmanageable

I do not condone his behavior

I’m sorry but I have no control either

If I did it would stop

He would not drink until he passed out

He would not disconnect from our family

He would not avoid food

He would not sleep long hours

He would not ignore the doctors

He would not slowly take his own life

With every drop he swallows

Leaving our lives seemingly unmanageable

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – condone

The End Is Near

Late at night, almost 3 am
I step out on the balcony
Looking over the parking lot
Your car is still not there
You said you’re working late
But we both know that’s not true
You have closed down the bar
I fear you are in an accident
Or by the side of the road with the police
This has to stop
And I know in my heart it probably will
With a last breath taken
After another bottle is emptied
And the poison has its way

 

Written For Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – balcony

Merry-Go-Round (FOWC)

I will not placate you
I will not ease your troubles
I will not set you free of anger
Because I no longer ride
That never-ending merry-go-round
Your life is your own
I will no longer be a part of it
My focus is on me and my life
I will no longer be your puppet
You and her will be happy together
Until she drains you dry
As you slowly drain her
Drink by drink

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – placate

Behind The Masks

They give the illusion

Of a happy couple

But hidden deep

Is a secret

 

The masks they wear

Make things look perfect

But the truth is

Something darker

 

An addiction to the bottle

And the need to hide it

He is a slave to alcohol

And she tries to keep it hidden

 

He drinks to drowned his worries

She worries about his health

He misses so much of life

She is missing peace and calm

 

Together they play their roles

In this tragedy of life

He the alcoholic

She the co-dependant

 

Will they ever find happiness

Will life ever be normal

He must fight for his own life

She must focus on herself for a change

 

Life with alcoholism is an illustion

Seeing only what you are allowed to

He the “life of the party”

She the “happy housewife”

Automatically In The Past

It’s an automatic response;

I hear the slurred words,

I smell the alcohol on your breath

And I instantly tense.

 

I remember those nights;

He stumbled down the stairs,

Breaking the window

And I am instantly afraid.

 

I know you’re not him;

He drank more,

He lost control

And I should not compare you to him.

 

But it’s an automatic response;

You drink,

I remember

And the hurt begins again.

Day 74 – 100 Days of Happiness

This week started off really bad… I lost the diamond ring my boyfriend got me a couple of years ago and I was in a car accident – no injuries, but a very dented door from the lady who backed into me in the parking lot.  I was without my regular doctors visit to see my therapist because of the holiday.  Just really a week to run and hide.

Tonight was a bright spot however.  Although I was sure the ring was either lost in the works of the recliner I sit in or lost forever, tonight as I did the laundry I heard a clink on the floor outside of the dryer.  It was my ring!  I am guessing I either dropped it in the laundry Sunday night or it was caught in the clothes I had on.  No matter what happened to it, I am very glad I found it.  Maybe this is the start of a turning point for good?  I sure hope so.  I know tomorrow is gonna be good… so excited to tell you about it tomorrow as I am sure it will be the highlight of happiness for the day!

Day 65 – 100 Days of Happiness

Things seem like they are falling apart lately.  Too many problems and not enough solutions.  My boyfriends way to deal with this was to start drinking again after being sober for 4 years.  It has brought back memories of my ex-husband and his battle with alcoholism.  Today I tried to find some peace the best way I know how (besides walking in nature) – I went to an Al-Anon meeting.  I used to go regularly for nearly two years.  Then I had health issues that kept me away.  I am hoping to settle back into a regular meeting time and find a little peace.  It was good to be in a room full of others who have similar issues.  We even laughed a little tonight and I really needed that.  So even in the middle of the chaos that is my life right now, I can still find some happiness in a day and I am so very grateful for that!