Apology

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If I say I’m sorry

Will it take the hurt away

If I make amends

For all I have done

Will it change the past

If I sincerely apologize

For the choices I made

And where we ended up

Would you still be here today

If I said it once

I said it a million times

I am sorry

But you had your chances


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – apology


I apologize for being absent for so long… life has been, well life and one thing after another has kept me away. Things are looking pretty good though and I am back at it, trying to catch up. Hope you are all well! (((HUGS)))

Mumbles … Thirty-three Years

Today is a tough day for me.  It was thirty-three years ago that I was thinking about our destination number one on our honeymoon only a few hours after we had said I do, taken pictures and done all the tradition reception activities.  We lived as a couple for nearly 22 years.  The last few were hard.  Alcoholism twists and torments a family until it is hard to recognize happiness.  I separated from my long term marriage sure I had failed.  But an amicable decision to divorce kept us on track as friends.  And an extremely short 2 ½ years later he died.

I will always treasure the good years we had and the WONDERFUL daughter I was left with to go on.  But after 8 years now, the death has still not killed the last of my love.  I will always keep it tucked away.  But I do yearn to find someone and wonder if there is a chance for a second “true love” for me.

I dated someone for many years, it was nothing like that “true love” and did not last.  In middle age I wonder if I will ever get that chance for butterflies in my stomach and yearns when we are apart… I have to always hold onto hope.

Here’s a little something I wrote…

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(untitled so far)

The day you said you were mine

Will always bring a smile

Although it ended tragically

It was wonderful for awhile

The laughs the smiles the tenderness

Were magical, yes it’s true

In the end it was broken

Our partnership was through

I can’t say the love was gone

It is still here strong today

It leaves me here now weeping

Wishing you hadn’t gone away

Forces have ways of changing

The life you thought you’d live

This night I sit in silence

Wishing for someone to give

The remainder of these feelings inside

A second chance for me to love

A person who will care again

And fit me like a glove

No Memory Of It

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She turned and walked away

It was impossible to talk to him

He was drunk again and

He wouldn’t remember a bit of it

It was the usual fight

She had asked him not to drink

He said he wouldn’t

Just a half an hour later

He was well on his way

The dispute had turned the corner

To his total denial about drinking

She felt like he thought she was stupid

Didn’t smell the alcohol on his breathe

Didn’t see the bottle beside his chair

Didn’t notice he was unable to stand still

Didn’t hear the slurring of the words he spoke

It was all too familiar

And it again broke her heart

She climbed the stairs

Sat on the side of the bed

And began to cry again


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – dispute

Mumbles … Alcohol

I have a love hate relationship with alcohol.  That comes after being married to an alcoholic for twenty years, about 13 to 14 years of that I knew he had a problem.  The thing is, if he doesn’t admit to a problem, it will never change and believe me, I tried to change it.  Even once I got him to admit he did have a problem, he still didn’t want to change.  By the time he realized he would lose his family, it was too late, he couldn’t change.  It still makes me so sad and angry (at the disease not him) all at the same time.

When we first were together, we were young and doing what young people do – going out to hear bands play and drinking some.  There were even nights he wouldn’t drink as we had gone out of town to see someone play.  So, no problem, right?

Then there were shake ups at work and he had more to calm his nerves when he got home.  This was when the conditions started.  “Once this happens, I will quit.”  This was everything from work to a new home, a child, etc.  There was always a this that was not enough.  Then what I think sealed his fate… his mom died.

His depression was bad, but he wouldn’t get help; he self-medicated and with alcohol being a depressant it was just getting a lot worse.  He did try treatment, it only lasted a short time, he left before he was through the process.  He and I divorced… he said he quit drinking, but the proof was still all around.  Until one day, he died at home alone.

Alcoholism effects the whole family.  It made me crazy trying to find ways to stop him – hiding his bottles, pouring them out, begging, crying, yelling – but it was not my problem to fix.  It has been such a huge impact on my life.  To this day I still debate having even one drink.  I have somewhat come to terms with what happened.  I still feel guilty from time to time – if I had only done something sooner or demanded he get help or talked to other family about it.  But I had been too ashamed to admit that we were not a perfect little family.  And in the end, alcoholism took away my absolute best friend and love of my life.

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Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – alcohol

Broken Chains

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Your birthday is tomorrow

And all I can think is

Can you imbibe in heaven

Has that demon finally

Climbed off of your back

Can you enjoy the freedom

Of not being chained

To unending intoxication

Can you truly feel

Joy again

Laugh out loud

Be at peace

As I continue to miss

The life we once had

I dream for you

A loving embrace

And the happiness

That you lost for years

Will all be within your grasp


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – imbibe

A Reason Why

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He sat there

Showing no emotion

As stoic as usual

Unable to read him

She drew a deep breath

Time and time again

He would go through this

Lost in his own world

While she was left alone

To figure out what to say

Why they couldn’t go this time

Why he had once again

Spoiled their plans

By drinking himself

Into a state

So she would draw on

Her creative imagination

And somehow she would

Try to salvage a relationship

From the sabotage of whiskey

Another family gathering

Not gone to


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – stoic

Fandango’s Friday Flashback – February 12

**Trigger warning**

This week we look back to my daily prompt post from 2017 … this is a post I did about my history and worst of times. I want to mention again there are options and places to go for help… there are others who have been through it, you are not alone. For this week’s FFF

Out and Away

At the height of my ex-husbands drinking and my lowest moments I often thought the best option for me to get away from all the mess was to drive straight into a tree off the highway… thankfully I had a friend who saw how deep I had fallen and helped pull me back up.

Being in a household with a heavy alcoholic is hell, total isolation, guilt, shame, anger and a million more emotions all bottled up and shaken well and often.  But the thing to remember is you are never alone.  There are millions of ways to break free and get help that don’t have the disastrous results of this poem.  Reach out, find help, you are NOT in this battle alone.

Al-anon   http://al-anon.alateen.org/

Suicide hotline  http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  1-800-273-8255


I was aware of the snow

But I left anyway

I had to get out

I had to get away

The house reeked of alcohol

Again you had too much

I had to get away

I had to get out

I felt the tires lose traction

And the impact with the tree

I had to get out

I had to get away

Unconsciousness turned the world grey

Maybe this was my escape

I had to get away

I had to get out

Saying goodbye to the life I knew

And hello to eternal peace

I got out

I got away

Oh My

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To my amusement

You made me laugh

And friendship did arrive

To my delight

You kissed my cheek

And romance began to bloom

To my pleasure

You filled my desires

And love entered my heart

To my surprise

You loved me too

And marriage swept us up

To my amazement

You began to drink

And distrust became the norm

To my dismay

You left our home

And sadness filled my heart

To my disappointment

You filed for divorce

And our marriage was erased

To my shock

You drank more

And death took you away


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – delight

Klutz

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He went to the teachers desk slowly, using crutches to compensate for the broken foot he had.  He handed the teacher a note from the office explaining his tardiness due to his injury.  He took his seat, and the classroom began buzzing with questions about how he injured his foot.  His teacher silenced the class and began his lesson.

Every time Ben hobbled into a new classroom the questions would bubble up and he would turn red with embarrassment.  The truth was that he was a “full-fledged klutz”, at least that is what his mother called him.  Ben had over-heard his mom talking to someone on the phone after he broke his foot and she had said, “He is so inept he can’t even walk across the yard without breaking his foot.”

The words had stung a little, but he was used to it.  Whenever his mom drank, she would say things she didn’t really mean.  Ben just had to take it in stride as a side effect of her alcoholism.  It certainly made him grow a thick skin at a young age.


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – inept

I Hate the Disease, Not the Man

You did it again

Made me feel

Less than three inches tall

Your allegations

Your venomous words

Only caught you back in the same old lie

You promised

You said so

But it was all empty words again

I fell for it

I was suckered again

And you still got your vodka for the night

But in the end

The lies too much

Drove me away and you to death

The empty bottle

Lays by the bed

As the mortician removed your body


Written for Fandango’s One Word Challenge (FOWC) – allegation

(photo from Google images)