Please Don’t

Quiet please

Don’t do that

I don’t want you

To imitate him

He was a good man

Who was deeply troubled

And no matter what

I went through

All those years

I still loved him

And wish somehow

I could have saved him

So please don’t

Make light of his pain

Stop trying to be him

He was a one of a kind


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – imitate

Inseparable

I’m a pretty easy-going person

I have a lot of patience

And I can tolerate a lot

But I do hate one thing

It is not your inability to quit

it is not the shell of your former self

it never was you

but the demon that controlled you

forced you to lie

forced to keep drinking

forced you to walk away

the demon that ended your life

I hate that alcoholism

Took you away forever

From a daughter that needed you

And from me who still loved

The man drowning in the bottle


Written for Fandango’s Dog Days of August (FDDA) # 19 – hate

(picture from Google search)

Perfect Family

It sits on the table

Right there

For everyone to see,

The perfect family;

But the frame

Began to tarnish.

It started when he

Picked up a bottle

Instead of turning to her.

He was troubled

By demons inside

That he tried to drown

With a little vodka.

The years proved

To make the situation worse,

Until the day

She left him.

The perfect family

Torn apart.

They just started

To work on

Patching up old wounds,

When she got the news.

He drank himself to death.

And now the perfect family

Is forever lost

Except in the frame.

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – frame https://fivedotoh.com/2020/06/05/fowc-with-fandango-frame/

Just the Facts

vodka bottle

Fact is you once were mine

We shared a life together

We raised a family

We were happy

 

Fact is you met her nightly

She comforted you

She made you forget the pain

She put you into a quiet world

 

Fact is she was poison

She slowly drew you away

She made you lose your job

She broke up our family

 

Fact is she killed you

She rotted your insides

She dwindled you down to nothing

She ruined your liver

 

Fact is alcoholism is a deadly disease

You wouldn’t admit a problem

You wouldn’t seek help

You wouldn’t stop

 

Fact is you died holding onto her

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – fact

(Image from Google search)

A to Z Challenge – J

A2Z 2020 logo

The letter J …

It was almost 33 years ago when my life changed.  I went out on a date with “J” for the first time.  We would end up parked in the driveway talking for hours until almost 4 am.  Two years later we would marry and start what I thought would be a beautiful life together.  It wasn’t perfect. I don’t think it ever is.  The one thing that was as close to perfect as possible was news 5 years later that we would be parents.  After about two to three years of increasing drinking I knew J had a problem.  A few times he tried to quit on his own.  It never lasted.  I began doing everything I could to make a far from normal life “perfect” for my daughter.  When J was sober, he was a good dad.  He loved his daughter and that was evident.  I would tell my daughter he had fallen asleep when he had really passed out.  I did everything to keep him quiet at night to not wake her.  When she got into her teens it was harder and harder to make life “normal.”

To make a long story short I finally gave him an ultimatum to actively get help or I was leaving.  I gave him about 3 months to seek help – a doctor, a therapist, a rehab just one step to getting help.  When the day came, and he had done nothing I was crushed.  But I wouldn’t back down.  My daughter deserved better.  My life with J started out wonderfully.  I still love him to this day.  Unfortunately, he drank himself to death and our daughter found him dead in his bed.

All the turmoil, the pain, the tears, the drama, the heartbreak… if given a choice I would not change it.  Only because it gave me a beautiful daughter who I treasure more than anything.  If J were still here and had gotten the help, I think I would have gone back to him.  I know I still very much loved the man I married.  Trouble was he had drowned years after the wedding.  And I couldn’t safe him.  But because he gave me my daughter, I am grateful to J forever.

 

(Sorry this one was so long… it was had to condense.)

Final Destination

Forgive me for leaving

It wasn’t your fault

It’s a defect in me

Facing your mortality

 

I now am contrite

I must be to blame

For you were ill

And I was insane

 

I did the same thing

Over and over again

But I was only trying

To forgive you your sin

 

The truth is you left me

Years before this

Addiction is a curse

That leads to the hearse

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – contrite

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

Shelia was done with work and headed home.  She kept thinking, trying to come up with an errand to run so she didn’t have to go home.  She had begun to dread the trip home as her husband’s drinking had gotten much worse, much more and much earlier.

She walked in the garage door and set her purse on the shelf by the door.  She didn’t hear anything except the TV on in the living room.  She drew a deep sigh and walked into the room.  Sure enough, he was passed out in his chair, an empty vodka bottle on the table.

Her first instinct was to wake him up and ask questions and demand answers.  She knew now from experience it would do no good.  It would just frustrate her, and he wouldn’t remember it in the morning.  And it would do no good.  Until he admitted he had a problem and wants to work on it; she might as well speak to a brick wall.  Besides the more he drank the angrier he would be when she woke him up.  She gently placed a blanket over him, turned off the TV and went to the kitchen to make herself a late dinner and cry again tonight.

 

Written for Fandango’s February Expressions (FFE) #24

Leave Well Enough Alone

I am angry

It takes a lot to make me angry

But you won’t listen

It’s more like you can’t listen

Another night with your Russian mistress

Drowning yourself in the vodka

I have never been able to compete

And I would tell you that

But you’re too drunk to understand

So I leave well enough alone

And swallow down my frustrations

Telling you to just go to sleep

 

Written for Fandango’s February Expressions (FFE) #7

Fandango’s Friday Flashback – January 17th

For some reason in my years of blogging I seemed to skip over the 17th for some reason.  I only found two I had posted.  This week I share the one from last year.  A poem about the loss of my ex-husband to alcoholism.  It was originally posted here.

Sharing this for FFF.

Haunting Questions

I wonder if
You still exist
Is your spirit
Still in pain
Do you feel
The least remorse
For leaving her
Without a father
Can you see
The woman she is
In spite of
What you did
Or is there
Nothing but darkness
In your afterlife

Devouring You

My best just wasn’t good enough

I couldn’t cure your pain

I tried everything I could think of

And everything you asked

It still wasn’t enough for you

She was “the other woman”

The one you leaned on

The one you drowned your sorrows in

And she was vicious

Little by little taking away who you were

She took you away from me

Slowly she ate away at you inside

Destroying your life, taking your job

Ultimately taking you away from all of us

I will never forgive her for what she did

I do have to find a way though

To forgive myself for failing you

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – best