This week we look back to my daily prompt post from 2017 … this is a post I did about my history and worst of times. I want to mention again there are options and places to go for help… there are others who have been through it, you are not alone. For this week’s FFF …
Out and Away
At the height of my ex-husbands drinking and my lowest moments I often thought the best option for me to get away from all the mess was to drive straight into a tree off the highway… thankfully I had a friend who saw how deep I had fallen and helped pull me back up.
Being in a household with a heavy alcoholic is hell, total isolation, guilt, shame, anger and a million more emotions all bottled up and shaken well and often. But the thing to remember is you are never alone. There are millions of ways to break free and get help that don’t have the disastrous results of this poem. Reach out, find help, you are NOT in this battle alone.
He went to the teachers desk slowly, using crutches to compensate for the broken foot he had. He handed the teacher a note from the office explaining his tardiness due to his injury. He took his seat, and the classroom began buzzing with questions about how he injured his foot. His teacher silenced the class and began his lesson.
Every time Ben hobbled into a new classroom the questions would bubble up and he would turn red with embarrassment. The truth was that he was a “full-fledged klutz”, at least that is what his mother called him. Ben had over-heard his mom talking to someone on the phone after he broke his foot and she had said, “He is so inept he can’t even walk across the yard without breaking his foot.”
The words had stung a little, but he was used to it. Whenever his mom drank, she would say things she didn’t really mean. Ben just had to take it in stride as a side effect of her alcoholism. It certainly made him grow a thick skin at a young age.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – inept
It was almost 33 years ago when my life changed. I went out on a date with “J” for the first time. We would end up parked in the driveway talking for hours until almost 4 am. Two years later we would marry and start what I thought would be a beautiful life together. It wasn’t perfect. I don’t think it ever is. The one thing that was as close to perfect as possible was news 5 years later that we would be parents. After about two to three years of increasing drinking I knew J had a problem. A few times he tried to quit on his own. It never lasted. I began doing everything I could to make a far from normal life “perfect” for my daughter. When J was sober, he was a good dad. He loved his daughter and that was evident. I would tell my daughter he had fallen asleep when he had really passed out. I did everything to keep him quiet at night to not wake her. When she got into her teens it was harder and harder to make life “normal.”
To make a long story short I finally gave him an ultimatum to actively get help or I was leaving. I gave him about 3 months to seek help – a doctor, a therapist, a rehab just one step to getting help. When the day came, and he had done nothing I was crushed. But I wouldn’t back down. My daughter deserved better. My life with J started out wonderfully. I still love him to this day. Unfortunately, he drank himself to death and our daughter found him dead in his bed.
All the turmoil, the pain, the tears, the drama, the heartbreak… if given a choice I would not change it. Only because it gave me a beautiful daughter who I treasure more than anything. If J were still here and had gotten the help, I think I would have gone back to him. I know I still very much loved the man I married. Trouble was he had drowned years after the wedding. And I couldn’t safe him. But because he gave me my daughter, I am grateful to J forever.
(Sorry this one was so long… it was had to condense.)