Fandango’s Friday Flashback – January 17th

For some reason in my years of blogging I seemed to skip over the 17th for some reason.  I only found two I had posted.  This week I share the one from last year.  A poem about the loss of my ex-husband to alcoholism.  It was originally posted here.

Sharing this for FFF.

Haunting Questions

I wonder if
You still exist
Is your spirit
Still in pain
Do you feel
The least remorse
For leaving her
Without a father
Can you see
The woman she is
In spite of
What you did
Or is there
Nothing but darkness
In your afterlife

Devouring You

My best just wasn’t good enough

I couldn’t cure your pain

I tried everything I could think of

And everything you asked

It still wasn’t enough for you

She was “the other woman”

The one you leaned on

The one you drowned your sorrows in

And she was vicious

Little by little taking away who you were

She took you away from me

Slowly she ate away at you inside

Destroying your life, taking your job

Ultimately taking you away from all of us

I will never forgive her for what she did

I do have to find a way though

To forgive myself for failing you

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – best

The Final Drink

He has become unhinged

After another all-night binge

He is consumed by the fire

Of alcohol’s desire

Yet wait for a while

He has now lost his smile

He will weep in the night

Over his current plight

He cannot control it

The pain has hit

Next his breath will slow

And he will somehow know

His life is not his to own

The sickness has grown

And it will take him tonight

His family seeing the light

That went out in him

The night turns grim

Sleep dear loved one

The pain is now done

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – unhinged

Fandango’s Flash Fiction Challenge – #37

He stood still on top of the bridge, looking at his grey shadow.  It looked so plain and dreary, just like him.  He felt so very alone.  Just two days ago she had left him.  Claimed he was sick.  He didn’t feel sick.  He just felt like he needed another drink.  Sure, he had a few drinks every night, but he couldn’t be an alcoholic, could he?  That was the word she had used.  It scared him. Made him take a look at himself and he wasn’t sure he liked what he saw.  Could she be right?  It just felt like life was spiraling out of control.  He loved her so much and felt deep guilt thinking he drove her away.

He sighed deeply and looked again at his shadow.  He would have to stop at the liquor store on the way home.  She just didn’t understand.  And the thought of living without her ripped him apart.  There was only one thing that would help, a little bit of vodka.

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Written for Fandango’s Flash Fiction Challenge (FFFC) #37

Not Me

There was a time

I felt that I carried the whole world

On top of my shoulders

Weighted down with the burden

Trying to hold together a family

Keep a steady job

And monitor an alcoholic

But I have learned

The disease had control

Not me

Not him

 

There were so many years

I felt a failure

Unable to laugh loud enough

Not worth anything

Always doing things wrong

While trying to wear a mask

To hide my pain and depression

But I have learned

The disease has control

Not me

Not my doctors

 

So I accept my limitations

And know it’s not my fault

I am worthy of happiness

I deserve to be loved

And I will do all I can

To trust in the future

For what it will be

I have learned

Life is worth living

For myself

For my family

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – shoulder

Another Painful Night

He repeated the words, ”I didn’t have anything.”

She wanted to lie down and writhe in pain, his words stung so bad.  She could see his pupils were dilated, his speech was once again slurred, and she could smell the alcohol across the room.  Did he take her as a complete fool who was blind?  She took a deep breath and said, “I know you’re lying but to talk to you about it now would be pointless.  You might as well go to sleep.”

He let out a sigh but didn’t say a word and got up and went upstairs.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word challenge (FOWC) – writhe

Life Changes

I close my eyes and try to calm my life.  Since he left I have found it easier to manage the day to day, but there are those every once in a while things that are rough.  For the first time in my life I had to unclog a drain with a snake; it was pretty easy, although messy.  I had to worry about health insurance.  I went from my parent’s policy to his.  And I had to find my first place all my own; once again from my parents house to his.

I am aware of a relief from his absence, but down the road there may come a day I am not so sure of being alone.  Now it is just a weight that has been lifted.  I no longer have to worry about what he is doing and when he will be sober.  Not that I could control it anyway.  No more broken things in the middle of the night.  No more incoherent words.  No more worries of when will he get behind the wheel and go buy more.

***

Two years later I realized I missed him.  I should say I missed the man I married.  But tragedy had struck.  His body had enough of the disease and began to shut down, until the day he was found in his bed, gone from life far too soon.  Me left wondering if there was anything I could have done earlier to slow or stop the disease.  But I remind myself… I didn’t cause it, can’t control it, and I couldn’t cure it.  Unfortunately neither could he.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – manage