Fandango’s Friday Flashback – February 12

**Trigger warning**

This week we look back to my daily prompt post from 2017 … this is a post I did about my history and worst of times. I want to mention again there are options and places to go for help… there are others who have been through it, you are not alone. For this week’s FFF

Out and Away

At the height of my ex-husbands drinking and my lowest moments I often thought the best option for me to get away from all the mess was to drive straight into a tree off the highway… thankfully I had a friend who saw how deep I had fallen and helped pull me back up.

Being in a household with a heavy alcoholic is hell, total isolation, guilt, shame, anger and a million more emotions all bottled up and shaken well and often.  But the thing to remember is you are never alone.  There are millions of ways to break free and get help that don’t have the disastrous results of this poem.  Reach out, find help, you are NOT in this battle alone.

Al-anon   http://al-anon.alateen.org/

Suicide hotline  http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  1-800-273-8255


I was aware of the snow

But I left anyway

I had to get out

I had to get away

The house reeked of alcohol

Again you had too much

I had to get away

I had to get out

I felt the tires lose traction

And the impact with the tree

I had to get out

I had to get away

Unconsciousness turned the world grey

Maybe this was my escape

I had to get away

I had to get out

Saying goodbye to the life I knew

And hello to eternal peace

I got out

I got away

Oh My

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

To my amusement

You made me laugh

And friendship did arrive

To my delight

You kissed my cheek

And romance began to bloom

To my pleasure

You filled my desires

And love entered my heart

To my surprise

You loved me too

And marriage swept us up

To my amazement

You began to drink

And distrust became the norm

To my dismay

You left our home

And sadness filled my heart

To my disappointment

You filed for divorce

And our marriage was erased

To my shock

You drank more

And death took you away


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – delight

Klutz

Photo by Oliver King on Pexels.com

He went to the teachers desk slowly, using crutches to compensate for the broken foot he had.  He handed the teacher a note from the office explaining his tardiness due to his injury.  He took his seat, and the classroom began buzzing with questions about how he injured his foot.  His teacher silenced the class and began his lesson.

Every time Ben hobbled into a new classroom the questions would bubble up and he would turn red with embarrassment.  The truth was that he was a “full-fledged klutz”, at least that is what his mother called him.  Ben had over-heard his mom talking to someone on the phone after he broke his foot and she had said, “He is so inept he can’t even walk across the yard without breaking his foot.”

The words had stung a little, but he was used to it.  Whenever his mom drank, she would say things she didn’t really mean.  Ben just had to take it in stride as a side effect of her alcoholism.  It certainly made him grow a thick skin at a young age.


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – inept

I Hate the Disease, Not the Man

You did it again

Made me feel

Less than three inches tall

Your allegations

Your venomous words

Only caught you back in the same old lie

You promised

You said so

But it was all empty words again

I fell for it

I was suckered again

And you still got your vodka for the night

But in the end

The lies too much

Drove me away and you to death

The empty bottle

Lays by the bed

As the mortician removed your body


Written for Fandango’s One Word Challenge (FOWC) – allegation

(photo from Google images)

Please Don’t

Quiet please

Don’t do that

I don’t want you

To imitate him

He was a good man

Who was deeply troubled

And no matter what

I went through

All those years

I still loved him

And wish somehow

I could have saved him

So please don’t

Make light of his pain

Stop trying to be him

He was a one of a kind


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – imitate

Inseparable

I’m a pretty easy-going person

I have a lot of patience

And I can tolerate a lot

But I do hate one thing

It is not your inability to quit

it is not the shell of your former self

it never was you

but the demon that controlled you

forced you to lie

forced to keep drinking

forced you to walk away

the demon that ended your life

I hate that alcoholism

Took you away forever

From a daughter that needed you

And from me who still loved

The man drowning in the bottle


Written for Fandango’s Dog Days of August (FDDA) # 19 – hate

(picture from Google search)

Perfect Family

It sits on the table

Right there

For everyone to see,

The perfect family;

But the frame

Began to tarnish.

It started when he

Picked up a bottle

Instead of turning to her.

He was troubled

By demons inside

That he tried to drown

With a little vodka.

The years proved

To make the situation worse,

Until the day

She left him.

The perfect family

Torn apart.

They just started

To work on

Patching up old wounds,

When she got the news.

He drank himself to death.

And now the perfect family

Is forever lost

Except in the frame.

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – frame https://fivedotoh.com/2020/06/05/fowc-with-fandango-frame/

Just the Facts

vodka bottle

Fact is you once were mine

We shared a life together

We raised a family

We were happy

 

Fact is you met her nightly

She comforted you

She made you forget the pain

She put you into a quiet world

 

Fact is she was poison

She slowly drew you away

She made you lose your job

She broke up our family

 

Fact is she killed you

She rotted your insides

She dwindled you down to nothing

She ruined your liver

 

Fact is alcoholism is a deadly disease

You wouldn’t admit a problem

You wouldn’t seek help

You wouldn’t stop

 

Fact is you died holding onto her

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – fact

(Image from Google search)

A to Z Challenge – J

A2Z 2020 logo

The letter J …

It was almost 33 years ago when my life changed.  I went out on a date with “J” for the first time.  We would end up parked in the driveway talking for hours until almost 4 am.  Two years later we would marry and start what I thought would be a beautiful life together.  It wasn’t perfect. I don’t think it ever is.  The one thing that was as close to perfect as possible was news 5 years later that we would be parents.  After about two to three years of increasing drinking I knew J had a problem.  A few times he tried to quit on his own.  It never lasted.  I began doing everything I could to make a far from normal life “perfect” for my daughter.  When J was sober, he was a good dad.  He loved his daughter and that was evident.  I would tell my daughter he had fallen asleep when he had really passed out.  I did everything to keep him quiet at night to not wake her.  When she got into her teens it was harder and harder to make life “normal.”

To make a long story short I finally gave him an ultimatum to actively get help or I was leaving.  I gave him about 3 months to seek help – a doctor, a therapist, a rehab just one step to getting help.  When the day came, and he had done nothing I was crushed.  But I wouldn’t back down.  My daughter deserved better.  My life with J started out wonderfully.  I still love him to this day.  Unfortunately, he drank himself to death and our daughter found him dead in his bed.

All the turmoil, the pain, the tears, the drama, the heartbreak… if given a choice I would not change it.  Only because it gave me a beautiful daughter who I treasure more than anything.  If J were still here and had gotten the help, I think I would have gone back to him.  I know I still very much loved the man I married.  Trouble was he had drowned years after the wedding.  And I couldn’t safe him.  But because he gave me my daughter, I am grateful to J forever.

 

(Sorry this one was so long… it was had to condense.)

Final Destination

Forgive me for leaving

It wasn’t your fault

It’s a defect in me

Facing your mortality

 

I now am contrite

I must be to blame

For you were ill

And I was insane

 

I did the same thing

Over and over again

But I was only trying

To forgive you your sin

 

The truth is you left me

Years before this

Addiction is a curse

That leads to the hearse

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – contrite