Alone

I feel like this is goodbye,

Like you have had enough of me.

I am always the one left standing

Alone

With tears on my cheeks.

I have weathered goodbyes before

And as you move on I will feel

Nothing

But love for you in my heart.

I will face the coming pain

With my head held high

Because I can survive being

Only

One.

Alone With Myself…

No one to talk to

My friends are all gone

Off to their own lives

I am left with none

 

No one to talk to

My friends are all gone

Drifted away to better people

I am left with none

 

No one to talk to

My friends are all gone

Somehow offended by me

I am left with none

 

No one to talk to

My friends are all gone

Alone with my problems

I am left with a ton…

Is There Anybody Out There

I used to have a best friend who I could talk to about ANYTHING at pretty much anytime.  He has moved on… new address, new city, new job, and apparently new friends.  For all of last week I tried to reach him with only one response that was about nothing that mattered.  I feel like I have lost my soul mate.  It at times has been a flirting kind of love, but never more than friends… best friends.  Now I feel like I must have done something to offend him.  I am lost.  I think what hurts most is knowing it probably would be easy for him to forget about me… he has a borderline Asperger and doesn’t feel emotions the same, he has told me many times.  He could tell when I was down without a word and could almost always make me laugh or at least smile when I needed it.  I am at a loss on what to do… so I talk to the internet.

I hope there is someone out there that might take a minute to read my words.  Maybe someone else who has lost a friend and feels alone.  Maybe no one.  I just know I have to write.  My emotions get bottled up and it leads to depression that seems unending.  I have anxiety issues all the time and they have been soaring with this loss.  So if it is ok with you out there… let me talk to you from time to time.  Let me empty my cluttered mind.  Let me babble on about nothing important for hundreds of words.

I can’t say I ask nothing in return… I do ask that you take the time to think about how you treat others.  Remember they care about you and maybe some days need you too.  Be patient with those you love.  Don’t use people. ALWAYS tell someone you care about them and they are important in your life… some days that maybe just the boost they need.

I think I will try to sleep now.  When my head is full of thoughts I know it is impossible.  But now that I have done a word dump I think my head is a little more clear and sleep may come.  Thanks for listening… come back every once in a while.  I don’t promise great writing, but a friend in the night who is a little unhinged and hates to be alone.  Sleep well everyone.

No Need For Harry’s Cloak

A lot of people say they wish they were invisible… it pisses off those of us who feel invisible.  Sure there would be a few benefits (probably more curses though – I mean do you REALLY want to know what others say about you?) but ask anyone who feels as insignificant as a grain of sand, invisible is no fun.

I am always the one to randomly send a post, letter or phone call to most of my friends.  Sometimes I wait for them to talk and find I am waiting so long I am sure they have forgotten who I am.  Even my partner comes home from work, shares his day and then will disappear into his own world forgetting I am here.  He will pass through and say hi when he needs a cigarette or something to drink.  I feel I am just a knick-knack on the counter only dusted when needed to be presentable on occasion.  Otherwise LONG ago forgotten as a new exciting find.

Growing up in the shadow of a sister who did well in school is just one of the ways I blended into the woodwork of my family too.  Living with an alcoholic for 20 years kept me isolated from family and friends a lot of my adult life.  And always being shy nailed the coffin shut on much of a social life.  So how do I make myself worthy of being seen?  Is it even worth it?

I don’t feel I have anything to offer.  These words are not the work of Shakespeare or Stephen King.  No one is going to see my name on the New York Times bestseller lists ever.  I take pictures, but will not grace National Geographic’s pages.   I craft but am far from any gallery displays.  Why would anyone go out of their way for insignificant me?

I am reminded of the musical Chicago and the song Mr Cellophane.  He sings of people looking right through him… that seems like a daily occurrence for me.  I guess it is just a basic need to feel that I matter somehow, someway, to at least someone.  I don’t want to change the world… just be a visible part of it.

From One Thing To Another

My thoughts all scatter

like the mad hatter

the white rabbit is late

always so very late

no important date

never for me

I sit with anxiety

shunned by society…

The clock tick-tocks

my head full of rocks

rock and roll

full of noise

the noise of chaos

chaos of clatter

what’s the matter

my thoughts all scatter…

Just A Minute…

Can I take a minute of your time?  This month is mental health awareness month and if anyone out there is actually reading my blogs I am sure you know I have issues with depression.  I admit it fully and will add in some anxiety disorder for good measure too.  Some days if feels like a recipe for disaster and other day can be close to what some call normal.  Tonight I am not normal.  I am crying and missing a friend who has locked me out of his life.  I often wonder if that was because of my depression.  He was very kind and caring at first and I thought we were great friends… then he asked to borrow some money.  I gave it to him and felt I had really helped a friend out… that is when little things changed.  He would no longer stand and talk for 5 or 10 minutes with me just because.  Text responses became less and less until he was never responding. And a phone call was out of the question.  …so why did he leave?

That was about 4 years ago.  Now another friend I have actually known almost as long has started not responding to email.  Another friend will never answer a phone call.  And one more friend I used to visit at least once every week or two seems to always be busy.  Depression takes those things and turns them ALL into my fault.  I did something wrong.  I am the toxic person in any relationship.  I am doomed to be alone.  Even my boyfriend is more and more distant.  Is there any chance for an open and honest depressive to have a social life at all?  Are we all destined to sabotage our relationships some how?

I have no answers only questions and sadness.  The longer the sadness stays with me the worse I get … so I write.  I used to write to my friends, but I think that may be part of the problem.  So now I write to everyone and more likely no one.  I am not good at this blog thing…. but just maybe one night I will connect with one person and they will see there is a way to let go of some of the depression and purge a little of the pain.  To you dear reader … or if I dare to dream readerS…  thank you for taking time, for giving me just a minute of your time.  Letting me bleed out the pain like ink drops on paper (or keyboard to screen as it were). does help me a little and if there is only one single person out there having a bad night that sees a small connection and a bit of hope, then my late night ramblings are worth it.  I will continue to expose my gaping wounds and try to find ways to heal… there is plenty of room on the depression train.  Take a ride with me and I will supply the words and tissues.

Truly thanks for reading!

Falling On Deaf Ears

I scream the words in silent fits of rage
They flow mist like past the unaware ears
Never do they meet and my heart shatters
Knowing the truth would be my death
The words were as honest
As the deafening silence replied
Creating a vacuum of unanswered dreams
A black hole my heart disappears into
One shard at a time…

Dreams To Ashes

Dreams twist realities
Anticipations take flight
Then in one bleak moment
A crushing fist of truth
Slams into my heart
The words of denial
Kill all confidence in me
Wishes are slaughtered
With the actions of certainty
I am left empty
Fantasies now burned ashes
Only nightmarish facts glare
I am not good enough
I am worthless
Unwanted
Alone