Falling On Deaf Ears

I scream the words in silent fits of rage
They flow mist like past the unaware ears
Never do they meet and my heart shatters
Knowing the truth would be my death
The words were as honest
As the deafening silence replied
Creating a vacuum of unanswered dreams
A black hole my heart disappears into
One shard at a time…

Dreams To Ashes

Dreams twist realities
Anticipations take flight
Then in one bleak moment
A crushing fist of truth
Slams into my heart
The words of denial
Kill all confidence in me
Wishes are slaughtered
With the actions of certainty
I am left empty
Fantasies now burned ashes
Only nightmarish facts glare
I am not good enough
I am worthless
Unwanted
Alone

Alone …

 

Alone Collage

Why is it that with other people around me I can feel utterly alone, but when it was just me taking walks in nature I felt surrounded in love and beauty?  When I was more isolated in natures embrace I felt less alone than at my own home… am I really that broken?  I can find a little bit of relief in looking at those pictures I gathered back when I could still walk 30 to 60 minutes without batting an eye.  Now as my body twists in pain and weighs heavy with fatigue I am lucky to walk ten feet from the car to the bridge entering one of my favorite parks.  But those birds singing and the rushing water are like a warm embrace of an old friend.  My chair with family scattered to opposite corners of the house feels like a padded cell locking me out of life.  As the isolation grows so does the depression. Finally I wander to seek another human’s contact and feel the empty greetings of them being interrupted in the game they are playing or video they are watching.  Maybe I am meant to take flight, far away, soaring into the skies?  But my wings are clipped and I feel tethered to this existence of loneliness in life.  I only find brief moments of freedom – an occasional shared laugh or a short conversation about more than what is for dinner – that give me hope.  A hope that maybe I can slowly file that chain off my ankle and find a step or two each day towards believing that I belong and am no longer the discarded one…. alone in the corner.