A Future Apart

Swollen eyes
Red and watery
I’m tired to the very core
Everything hurts
But not as much
As my heart does
You walked away
And somehow I let you
But now the pain
Is raw and real
I’m not sure it was right
I still love you
But I know to keep
Our peace of mind
It had to happen
We just couldn’t
Survive the differences
Of where the future
Was taking us
And so I must
Go on without you
If I can only survive this pain


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – swollen

Happy and Grateful – Day 236

Seven months are gone now and surprisingly I am still plugging along with this challenge to post about my happiness and gratitude every day this year.  August brings the state fair here in Iowa and lots of heat and humidity.  It is the time to see the back to school shopping start with kids dreading it and parents loving it.  As I continue my challenge I hope you will take a minute to reflect on your day too.  You can even share your happiness and gratitude here in the comments or on your own blog.  There is good in every day!

It was back to more seasonable weather today so no windows open for me.  It still wasn’t horrible, but too humid to leave the windows open.  So I stayed shut in to my apartment most of the day.  This however is Thursday and my weekly visit with my therapist.  And as I was running short on sleep since I stayed up late watching the soap with my daughter last night… I did one thing that I hate.  I started crying during our session.  Talking about my grandmother and my former mother-in-law the tears began to come.  I was just too tired to fight them back down like I usually do in front of others.  I must have been teased or something when I was young because I have always been afraid of crying in front of others.  I know it is actually good for us to cry and get the emotions out… I just feel very isolated when I cry which only adds to the discomfort.

So lack of sleep, tears and then a bit of bad news on my boyfriends loan put the day in the bad day category.  We had so been hoping to take another loan from his 401K to get him a used but reliable car to drive and they denied it.  So now it is a talk to the bank and if there is no luck there maybe see if we can finance it through the car dealership.  Like my boyfriend said tonight… it is our turn to catch a break.

So finding some good in the day has been more of a challenge.  But I have to say there is always something.  And knowing we are struggling but we have a roof over our heads is ahead of some others out there.  A good friend of mine was homeless for a while so I have seen that side of it and it and am grateful to have a place to call home.  Where I can be comfortable enough to cry on occasion.

As for the happy part of the day. It was some planning coming through for me.  I have been thinking of what to do for my grandmothers 100th birthday and I think I have the card design in mind now, so I just have to put it together.  That makes me happy… creating things.  I also wrote a poem about a friend I miss terribly and writing always helps the day along as well.

I need to end this and get a better nights rest than I did last night.  Remember to find your happiness and feel your gratitude.  Have a good night/day!

Happy and Grateful – Day 145

May has arrived and I hope it brings lots of Spring cheer with it.  I am in my fifth month now of taking time to acknowledge the things that make me happy and grateful every day… almost half way to my goal of a full year.  If you want to join in on this challenge please add your thoughts in the comments or start your own blog.  There is a lot to be happy and grateful for!

It was a beautiful day weather wise today.  Sunshine and about 70°F with the birds singing through the open windows.  I however have had better days.  Some insecurities and flashbacks to past disappointments… let’s just say my depression was in overdrive most of the afternoon and night.

But this is a positive post and there is ALWAYS something positive to find.  I can think of a few today.  I started the day with good news from a friend.  She will be here to visit in August and was wanting to go to the state fair with me if I was interested.  You must remember as a kid we would go as a family and hit the fairgrounds at 8am… be on our feet almost all day and still not see all of the fair when we would head to our cars at about 10 or 11 that night watching the closing fireworks of the night from the grandstand.  I LOVE the fair.

I have to think logically about this though.  I cannot do an all day at the fair anymore with my fatigue and fibro.  But there are grandstand concerts and free stage entertainment… so we could go in the afternoon and see a little bit and still have a good time.  So I am kind of happy and excited about that.  And it is the BEST place to go to people watch.  There are about a million stories in the people you just pass during a day there.

I am grateful for some wonderful memories.  I am feeling a friend slowly slip away further all the time, but I am trying to focus on the good memories rather than what it seems I am losing.  … on a side note I could say I am grateful for the years of depression teaching me how to cry quietly so I don’t wake up anyone else.  Still can’t hide the red eyes in the morning though – know any good hints for that?

Sorry I am not very positive tonight… ex-wives and alcohol and lost friends and too much isolation all make for a rough day.  I promise I will try to bounce back tomorrow.  In the mean time… I’m going to grab another tissue and hope you all have a good night or day depending on where you are!

Day 59 – 100 Days of Happiness

I hate to cry.  I have been on the edge of tears for several days now and doing everything I can to keep from crying.  I know that is wrong to do that… the emotions are there for a reason and I should act on them.  I do all I can not to most of the time though.  But today I had enough.  Financial worries, chronic pain, anxiety, depression and my boyfriend being in a foul mood the last couple of days… it all took its’ toll today and I broke down.

When my eyes were red and tender.  When my nose was stuffed up.  When I had a crying headache…. things changed.  I felt a heavy weight off my shoulders I had been carrying for a few days now.  I felt life was not quite as desperate.  I felt more free inside.  I don’t know if happy is the right word or not, but I felt a whole lot closer to happy after i was done.  I talked to a friend and he helped to calm me down some.  I was now exhausted most of the rest of the day… but it was a pleasant tired.

I hate to cry, but sometimes it is just what is needed to make the day happy again.  (((HUGS))) to all who need it… be happy.