Ethnicity … I don’t really want to write about it. It is a group of people from one particular area – Germans, Russians, Southerners, New Yorkers, and so on. But I am really not full of any knowledge about any ethnic group. So instead I will talk about…
My new cat named Clive. We just got him yesterday at the shelter. He hid all night last night. Slowly ventured out today and has even navigated the stairs a couple of times. The little princess we already had is not sure at all about him. She has hissed a couple of times but doesn’t seem too bothered by him. He is black and white and camera shy so far, but I will get him soon. He will hopefully help me fill my days with a little activity. Especially when he hides, and I have to search all the tiny spaces in the house to find him.
The other thing is my heart is not really focused on writing. It is breaking all over again as, technically today (since it is after midnight), is the one-year anniversary of my Dad’s death. His birthday was the 13th and he died on the 26th. I miss him SO MUCH! Then out of the blue a friend sends a picture of a snow sculpture of snow sharks. My dad wrote many letters to his shift when he would go on vacation and almost always had snow sharks in the letter somewhere. I don’t know if she realized it was one year since he died or not. But looking online for the picture source I did discover there were two (classics I am sure) movies made about snow sharks. One called Snow Sharks and the other is technically Avalanche Sharks. I should find them on Netflix or somewhere and watch them in honor of Dad. He was into all those cheesy B movies. I’d give anything to watch them with him.
I have mumbled on enough. Time to feed both cats and go try and sleep. Good night!
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – ethnicity
The holidays are here, and I hurt. This is the first year without my Dad. My mom has already been gone for more than 9 years. I miss the old family Christmas’ so much. This year it was really hard to put up the tree, it was usually Dad’s job. It just didn’t seem right.
The depression is heavy, and I have tried to “fake it until you make it” but I feel like I am just settling for a half of a holiday. Growing up he would always take his vacation around Christmas so he would be home with us while school was out. He not only would decorate the tree, but he did most all of the Christmas decorations. Decorating reminds me so much of him.
And he never just wrote our names on cards, he had a stylized printing he did that made the letters of our names appear 3D. It is such a small thing, but I miss it so much. I made the usual cookies and candies and know there were some he loved I used to make extra of… this year I didn’t and that hurt.
So, I settle for what I have and try to enjoy the festivities. We have done two of our three celebrations; we will have our last one in January. Then comes his birthday a week later, followed by the day he died a year ago. It is going to be a rough start to the New Year.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – settle
Durable, no matter how long I think about it, all that comes to mind is my Dad.
It was over 20 years ago that he had a heart attack and a triple bypass surgery; and still his heart beat on for years. He was diagnosed with diabetes; he watched what he ate (somewhat) and his blood still sustained him for years. He was diagnosed with COPD; and still his lungs breathed in and out for years.
There were stories of harsh winter storms and blizzards he drove through to safety. He fell off a roof helping a friend do a roofing project; had chronic back problems but still stood tall. There were stories of taking down robbers and murderers and a few different riots he worked through; all he survived to see another day on duty.
He had a durable marriage that lasted 49 years until my Mom passed away. He survived raising two daughters that may not have always been the most perfect children… ok, we gave him a lot of headaches but still he showed us love and support.
Durable is one of many words I can use to describe my Dad; missed is another.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – durable
He was larger than life
He was the law at home
And the law in the streets
He gave long hours
To serve and protect
He gave homework help and advice
To help me grow with love
He could program a computer
And write like a poet
As I continue to mourn his loss
I pay tribute to the great man he was
He was nothing short of my hero
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – tribute
According to a google search onerous is ” involving an amount of effort and difficulty that is oppressively burdensome.” It lists synonyms as being heavy, burdensome, crushing, difficult, hard… My mind is in a mess right now and every thought is heavy, crushing and difficult. To create a coherent thought into a sentence is burdensome and hard. I watched my Dad take his last breath tonight, but I have to write. I have to let some words out along with the tears. I have to try to find a little normalicy to ground me.
We just put Dad into hospice care. We had a meeting Wednesday with staff that he should have 24/7 care. We implimented that with staffing from Home Instead by Thursday. He had his first comfort meds on Thursday and just that fast he is gone tonight.
I am sitting up waiting to call a few people in the early morning before they start their days. I can’t see a call in the middle of the night disrupting their sleep when there is nothing they can do.
This is not much of a post, but I have rewritten it three times. I think I will accept this version and post it. There may be a lot of my Dad in my upcoming posts. He was a wonderful man, who is greatly missed.
Written for (my peace of mind and) Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – onerous
I don’t know what to write and I am not afraid to admit it. Revenge is the prompt I am working on and I tried many a lame sounding poem. I am drawing a blank on fiction. But I can usually babble about anything. Revenge is not something i have ever really pursued. I guess I believe what goes around comes around. It is not my job to “police” others, so I don’t. So while I feel I can’t really approach revenge with the attention it does (or doesn’t) deserve… I can mumble.
It is now a new year and I hate that I am starting it off still behind. I had two appointments yesterday so I never had a chance to visit WordPress at all. But things are progressing with my Dad and we are looking into palliative care. It should help fill some of the times he is currently by himself and it will provide for a nurse once a week to visit him.
Next week he finally gets to the wound clinic to have the sores on his legs looked at. With diabetes they are just not healing and I don’t have the medical background to know how to properly care for them.
Our current struggle is trying to get him to wear a cpap mask at night so he doesn’t lose oxygen overnight. It starts out ok, but maintaining the mask overnight is more difficult. Hopefully he will one day get used to it.
Now is the time to go to Dad’s for the night. Last night of my “work week” with him. And I am looking forward to the time to sleep without interruptions tomorrow night. I will try my best to catch-up before the end of the month. Happy blogging everyone! (((HUGS)))
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – revenge
Relative is the word I am working on today… I’m not quite smart enough to address the theory of relativity. Not feeling a comparison post where it is all relative. But I can talk about a relative of two.
I have mentioned my Dad’s failing health and just yesterday evening I got a call from his caregiver and he had taken a fall. Shot my heart right up into my throat and I drove there as soon as I could. Luckily he did not get hurt other than a scrape to his elbow.
Now I live about 15 minutes away so I had called my sister to get there to try to help lift my Dad up off the floor, as she is less than 5 minutes away. It just amazes me how two siblings can be so different. She is a wiz with handling Dad’s finances, but when asked to sit with him for a short while… I get back a “I am not a nurturer like you.” It is her Dad… how hard can it be to just TALK to him for a half an hour or so.
This fall and his two hour wait on the floor (he had his cell phone, but couldn’t figure out how to use it) for someone to get him hits my heart hard. I don’t know how much more I can physically and emotionally do. My sister said on the way out, “Might not be able to stay here much longer.” And a part of me is afraid she is right. I hate the thought of putting him in a nursing home, but am afraid he needs more care than assisted living would give him.
This makes me think of my grandmother who took in her own mom and took care of her in the end of her life and still kept the books for my grandfather’s business and ran the household perfectly, still having time to volunteer at the church even. How could she do all of that and I am having troubles just making it through the nights?
I love my Dad and hope and pray he can stay home a little while longer. But fate may have other plans. Do you have a relative you care for? It is tough job, and I am learning not everyone can do it.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – relative
So much to do and no where near enough hours in a day to get it all done… especially now that I am helping out my Dad so much. Things have been hectic lately. Not only do I have all my regular doctor’s appointments (for my depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia) but I have Dad’s myriad of doctor’s (heart, lungs, diabetes, PC) appointment to get him too. Add then the errands for my household and his and my limited amount of energy in a day (thanks so much fibro) … I really need to prioritize better.
My brain is doing triple time just trying to keep track of meds for Dad, my boyfriend and myself… I never fill the pill caddies on the same days. Last time we counted Dad is taking well over 25 different medications, vitamins and minerals! You would thing they would WORK … but then again maybe they do but the side effects negate the assistance they give. At least that is what I find with some of my meds.
I just try to remember that saying, “one day at a time” and adapt it to hours or minutes as is needed. Some days are just a little crazier than others and today has been that kind of a day. I hope to post this soon, but first I must read a little more to catch up. Maybe this weekend when we are free of appointments I can get a little more done… but I wont hold my breath- it makes me turn an ugly shade of purple!
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – prioritize
There is a limit to everything… and I think I am reaching mine. I originally volunteered for what I thought was a 2 week “job” of staying the nights with my Dad while he recovered from his pneumonia. That was the end of August… now we are more than a week into October.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my Dad and am actually grateful for the time I get with him. But physically and emotionally it is taking a toll on me. The biggest thing is realizing that he may need 24/7 care now, period. I was hoping to get it down to maybe 3 or 4 nights a week he had care givers come into the house and help him, but with the way his memory problems and (lack of) strength still seems to linger I fear he may need more.
My fibromyalgia is practically screaming between the up and down both on the stairs at my Dad’s house and just getting him things. (and the cold damp weather that just wont end… we may finally see sun again on Thusday) My depression is peaking again as well. Possibly brought on by more memories of my Mom (at least a half a dozen times Dad has called me by my Mom’s name) and seeing clearly Dad’s health conditions deteriorate.
It has also taken a toll on my internet time. I am a week behind on writing posts and reading yours too. I can’t remember the last time I did more than glance at my e-mail, my inbox is getting quite full. And time to relax and play a game… HA! Although I do get to take a break every now and then for some Words With Friends. But a lot of the time my means of communication is through Facebook and blogging… so I am feeling more alone.
The time is up now… my Dad has to see a doctor today. I will save this and get it to my post after the appointment as long as I have time this afternoon. I am limited on minutes now and must make the cross town trip in about 15 minutes. I hope the street lights are in my favor! Have a good week everyone! (((HUGS)))
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – limit
It has been kind of a long week. Well maybe more of a long month, but this last week was trying. I love Dad to pieces but I kind of draw the line at fire. I can’t recall a time in the past when I have seen him smoke so much. Cigarette after cigarette, light after light, dropped cigarette and flame. The number of consecutive cigarettes seems to be climbing and yesterday I had to put out a small “fire” on the blanket he had over his lap… maybe left a golf ball sized hole behind.
I have talked to my sister about this and we both think he needs to stop at night. The trouble is she left it to me to break this news to him. I did try last night when I brought him his new carton of cigarettes and he said it sounded like a good idea, but 2am rolled around and he was lighting one up again. The offending “fire” came from a cigarette lit when he wasn’t fully awake yet and dozed off in his chair again. I can only watch him so close and he starts to feel like I am staring at him. I know this is a long shot, but I really don’t want to die in a fire. I don’t want him to die in a fire. I don’t want a fire at all… unless it is in a grill and we have steaks on!
Something has to give. The number of cigarettes has to come down at least cutting out the night ones. At 82 I think he knows the facts well enough about the damages the cigarettes can cause (and he has COPD), but he also has to realize he is shaky now and the cigarettes do fall out of his hands. I really would prefer he just went back to smoking his pipe again… at least that smelled nice. But he needs a little bit of his own freedom to decide. In the meantime I will keep the fire extinguisher handy and sniff for smoke every so often.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – number