No Bridge

I used to have dreams

of you and your mountain

and the day that would come

when you would show it to me.

Sharing that love of the outdoors

with you and I together

on a hike to new heights.

But now my health

has crushed my dreams.

Your distance has grown further

and I feel we can never bridge

the chasm between us.

Passionate Dreams

One look from you

And passionate dreams take flight.

But why would you want me?

I am past my prime

And my looks are not great.

My mind is broken

And my heart still tender.

If I only knew

What was behind that look;

Is it all just my hopes and wishes

Or does passion dwell there for you too?

For now I imagine our bliss

And hide my desires inside,

Take a deep sigh

And return a gentle smile.

Day 5 – Together

The trash talk was flying… I had been challenged.  All week my daughter and I have been going back and forth claiming to be ready to put the other into the poor house in Monopoly.  The battle was set to start tonight after we all got together for a pizza dinner.  My daughter, my boyfriend, a brief appearance by our cat and I all set down to battle.  I thought I had the world in my hands when I purchased both Boardwalk and Park Place.  But fate would prove to have different plans for me.  I fell first, then my boyfriend, and my daughter did truly reign as the Monopoly champion tonight.  Even in a loss I easily found my moment of happiness tonight.20160917_2240411

Slog Through The Forms

I am not a rocket scientist, and I don’t play one on TV either.  I’ll admit it… I looked up slog.  And I guess that is what I was doing today – slogging through re-certification paperwork for our apartment.

I get so frustrated with paperwork and especially financial forms anymore.  The fibro fog make the numbers blur and I forget what I am writing halfway through a long number.  I shouldn’t have a thing to worry about as I have not worked for over a year and still no positive word on disability.  There were 7 sheets of paper I had to fill out today and I spent almost an hour and a half on them and still was not done.  I feel so slow and sluggish.  I read and re-read questions to try to figure out what they need.  I used to be able to go through this stuff in no time.  This is now worse than taking a math midterm or finals paper!

But I persevered, kept toiling away at it, and we went through it with the landlord.  Only one more paper to fill out and we are done… then the waiting game to see if we still qualify.  We have been here two months beyond our original lease so I would think yes would come pretty easy.  But doubt always finds a way to creep in and cast shadows about.  I am trying to feel positive about this and if it should go bad, well then we just pick up, dust off and try something different.

At least today was productive in one small way.  I learned a new word to throw out there with lumber, trudge and grind.  My personal dictionary has grown!

Perplexed

What is it about death that can bring out the worst in people?  No I am seriously perplexed about this.  I had a great-grandmother pass away and the three sons fought over her stuff.  Then they began talking to each other again only to have more bad blood surface at the next funeral.  Now it is my uncle whose ex-wife, of all people, is in charged of his celebration of life.  She was the one yelling the most after the last funeral.  I now am faced with the question if with my depression and anxiety I can face the tension for two hours to make the trip out-of-town worth it?  I loved my uncle, don’t get me wrong.  But I am so tired of the backstabbing that goes on when someone dies.  It seems more tempting to give everything to charity when I pass.

Fights over antique clocks, who is a pall bearer and how quick you can make it out-of-town are such stupid things to get mad about… a person is lost forever.  Why can’t families come together and honor the memories?  Maybe it is just parts of my family where this happens.  I am just tired of it.  I think my tears today are more for the lost love left here on earth than for my uncle… at least he is at peace.

Thanks for letting me rant a bit today.  It really looks like my part of the family will not make the out-of-town drive.  For my uncle, may he rest in peace.  Love you “Lab.”

Radical Idea

Like totally radical dude!  Ok… not really something I miss from the 80’s slang but how appropriate today.  I was checking messages and people who liked my posts and stumbled across a radical idea… find happiness daily for 100 days.  I have to credit the idea to this post by Ripples N Reflections.  The fact that the original website posting says that 71% of people fail at this is just sad.  BUT we are not about sad today we are about HAPPY.

I am modifying the challenge a bit as some things that make me happy are hard to take a picture of, but I can always find things for my babbling fingertips to type about.  So here we go…

Day 1 of #100happydays is an easy one.  The heat seems to have finally broke and we have a beautiful fall like day with mild temps and a few fluffy white clouds dotting the sky.  The windows are open and I am listening to the birds and crickets (we have so many crickets!) sing.  There is a small breeze blowing in… perfect weather.  Fall has always been my favorite time of year.  Not just because my birthday falls in this time frame, but it is so pretty with the leaves changing.  I remember childhood days raking leaves only to jump into the pile and crunch them under my feet.  Apple cider, caramel apples and trick or treaters… sweatshirts, football and pumpkins… the perfect snuggling weather.  I love fall!

Have a totally tubular day and find some happiness in the little wonders of the day.  (((HUGS)))

No Zing

This morning starts with a fizzle instead of a boom.  I have no bounce in my step, no gusto, no oomph, no zing.  With fibromyalgia I get days where the pain tries to dictate my life.  Today is one of those days.  It is day 3 of a flare in my pain, specifically lower back pain.  I had to run a couple of errands last night and just getting in and out of the car was more than challenging.  I decided the 45 minute drive to my doctor today would have to wait for another day.  When I go into town the traffic is so busy I get tense.  Adding tension to the existing pain I know it would set me back even more days.  I am hoping doing my physical therapy exercises and a little TLC I can nurse me back to an easier level of pain.

I think I may have triggered this pain due to stress.  The death of a family member has brought out the worst in some of the family members… too often that happens instead of bringing families together to support each other.  And I am starting my yearly worry mode.  I am a 13 year breast cancer survivor and when I have my yearly checks I always get nervous.  I was a mere 36 when I was diagnosed and with such an early diagnosis my odds for recurrence are a little higher.  And I am the queen of worry.  Add stress and worry and it causes tension, which make the pain worse.

So today I will write, read, listen to some music and take it easy.  I did my exercises to start the day.  I will do the exercises once more today and hope this pain eases up.  With any luck my zing will return soon.  I hope you all put a little zing in your day… (((HUGS)))