The light flickers off and on
Pictures in my mind flash too
A million different memories flood me
Like the tears flowing from my eyes
The past does not seem so awful
And I long to go back there with you
But with one word spoken I know I never can
Because you now are dead
And a part of me will never recover
*****
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – past
The least you can do is apologize to me
The least you can do is tell me the truth
The least you can do is try to make it right
**
But you were busy with short cuts
And deception was on your mind
All because you were under her spell
**
But apologies will never come
Now that she forever holds you
That demon took your life
**
The least I can do is forgive you
The least I can do is hold your memory tight
The least I can do is accept it was not my fault or yours
*****
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – least
I had a reminder on my phone today
As if I could possibly forget
It said your birthday is coming soon
I read it and silently wept
All the years of memories
Flood me with visions in my mind
And I can hear your laughter
It hurts and comforts at the same time
There is good and bad times replayed
Like movies from my past
Each one centers on you so clear
I pray they always last
And as the clock strikes midnight
I hope your spirit is free
For today is the day to remember
How much I still love my daddy
***
Happy heavenly birthday Dad.
What can I do
I have spent all I have
Not a drop left in me
To offer you payment
For the time that you took
To listen to my lament
I was so alone today
And knew no hope
I cried
I slept
I felt regret
About a day long past
But never forgotten
You saw me through
And guided me to
A place of acceptance
These 24 hours have almost passed
I can hide the memories for another year
Until the day blindsides me
And I am again forced to remember
I couldn’t stop your death
*****
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – payment
This week Fandango has asked an interesting and potentially fun question, it is all in how you take the question – “What will your last day on Earth be like?” Obviously, no one knows when will be there last day, well, most people don’t know.
There was a dark time when I would have said my time was soon, but that has thankfully passed me. So, no last day wrapped around a big tree for me. But do I revert back to that essay I wrote in high school about my death in my 30th year just having had a song I co-wrote hit the top ten? Nah, that is well past me in years and ambitions now.
I have seen one person die in front of me and although Dad was having a bit of difficulty breathing, I don’t think he suffered. I don’t want to suffer. And my Mom passed in her sleep so I imagine just like how life can enter a dream, she just dreamed to peace and quiet.
Now for a little honesty. Not that my Mom and Dad’s deaths were not like that, but how do I think my last day will be? I do not live a glamourous life. I currently live alone (but hope that may change someday) with my three cats. I only drive minimally, so I think the car crash option is off the table. Will I eat meat that is expired and suffer terrible stomach pains? Will I see my cats turn on me and slowly bleed to death with scratches head to toe? No, I think it honestly will be a heart attack doing something that is a minor thing but can get my heart pumping. I think maybe running up and down the stairs with laundry … someone will find me half on a step with laundered clothes everywhere.
How would I like to spend that last day? In love’s bliss with someone I care very deeply for. In and out of bed acting like a teenager and loving every minute of it. Ah, what a way to go!
I do want to mention one other possibility. My last day “on earth” could be headed to a remote colony on the moon or Mars, but I honestly think that is another generation or two down the line, if we don’t kill the planet first. I need to go get the clothes out of the dryer now… wish me luck.
***
Written for Fandango’s Provocative Question #176
Today is a tough day for me. It was thirty-three years ago that I was thinking about our destination number one on our honeymoon only a few hours after we had said I do, taken pictures and done all the tradition reception activities. We lived as a couple for nearly 22 years. The last few were hard. Alcoholism twists and torments a family until it is hard to recognize happiness. I separated from my long term marriage sure I had failed. But an amicable decision to divorce kept us on track as friends. And an extremely short 2 ½ years later he died.
I will always treasure the good years we had and the WONDERFUL daughter I was left with to go on. But after 8 years now, the death has still not killed the last of my love. I will always keep it tucked away. But I do yearn to find someone and wonder if there is a chance for a second “true love” for me.
I dated someone for many years, it was nothing like that “true love” and did not last. In middle age I wonder if I will ever get that chance for butterflies in my stomach and yearns when we are apart… I have to always hold onto hope.
Here’s a little something I wrote…
(untitled so far)
The day you said you were mine
Will always bring a smile
Although it ended tragically
It was wonderful for awhile
The laughs the smiles the tenderness
Were magical, yes it’s true
In the end it was broken
Our partnership was through
I can’t say the love was gone
It is still here strong today
It leaves me here now weeping
Wishing you hadn’t gone away
Forces have ways of changing
The life you thought you’d live
This night I sit in silence
Wishing for someone to give
The remainder of these feelings inside
A second chance for me to love
A person who will care again
And fit me like a glove
“Excess of grief for the dead is madness; for it is an injury to the living, and the dead know it not.”
Xenophon
I like the basic idea of this quote… it does only affect the living when we grieve. I never knew how hard funerals were in my youth but find more and more people I know are passing on. The best “memorial” was for my mom because she HATED funerals and said she would find a way to haunt us all if we did not have a party after she died. So we had music, alcohol and family and friends. We held a raffle to give away some of the afghans she had crocheted. It was a party. I still grieved her, but it was more of a celebration of all she had done.
Past letters…
“Loved. You can’t use it in the past tense. Death does not stop that love at all.”
Ken Kesey
As I get older I learn more and more that this is true. As we age more people we care about are taken away from us, but that deep love will never die. Embrace it and remember fondly the memories of the past.
Past letters…
Chaos takes over
Destruction reigns
Mayhem ensues
There is a war going on
In my heart and head
Tears fight to come out
As anger and sadness
Battle for control
Frustration and fear
Pain and confusion
All join into the mess
As my enthusaiam is crushed
And happiness fades away
I finally hang my head and weep
…
Do you ever hear bad news and want to world to go away? I just learned someone who once was a friend died in the summer and I am just now finding out about it. I can’t believe I let our friendship drift off to nothing but Christmas cards once a year. I am ashamed, sad, mad, petrified I will lose more friends… this hurts and I need to heal.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – mayhem
I don’t know why
I thought I could do this
Holidays are for gathering
I should have known this wouldn’t work
But here I sit with knots in my stomach
And tears on my cheeks
Feeling like I am forgotten
Although I know I am not
It’s just a matter of circumstance
That I spend this holiday alone
No late night baking
No early morning to start the food
I can do whatever I want
…
Except what I want is to spend it with you
And I know that is not possible
Too many years have gone by
For me to be hurting like this
But I truly wish you weren’t in heaven
And could share this special day
Laughter and happiness
And a swelling pride about our child
…
What I do instead is embrace my tears
And reminisce our love
Before the poison took it away
Our life was once like paradise
A smile at the twinkle in your eyes
and a blush from just a touch
the passion and friendship we shared
was really once in a lifetime
…
So I take a deep breath and sigh
Before the memories get muddled
By the way it all had to end
I think of our daughter and son-in-law
And hope they are eating well
I know you would be happy for them
To have found each other to love
And that is what I hold onto
Knowing you are with them in spirit
And somehow I don’t feel so alone anymore
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – knot
Leigha Robbins 