Mumbles … Thirty-three Years

Today is a tough day for me.  It was thirty-three years ago that I was thinking about our destination number one on our honeymoon only a few hours after we had said I do, taken pictures and done all the tradition reception activities.  We lived as a couple for nearly 22 years.  The last few were hard.  Alcoholism twists and torments a family until it is hard to recognize happiness.  I separated from my long term marriage sure I had failed.  But an amicable decision to divorce kept us on track as friends.  And an extremely short 2 ½ years later he died.

I will always treasure the good years we had and the WONDERFUL daughter I was left with to go on.  But after 8 years now, the death has still not killed the last of my love.  I will always keep it tucked away.  But I do yearn to find someone and wonder if there is a chance for a second “true love” for me.

I dated someone for many years, it was nothing like that “true love” and did not last.  In middle age I wonder if I will ever get that chance for butterflies in my stomach and yearns when we are apart… I have to always hold onto hope.

Here’s a little something I wrote…

Photo by Yelena Odintsova on Pexels.com

(untitled so far)

The day you said you were mine

Will always bring a smile

Although it ended tragically

It was wonderful for awhile

The laughs the smiles the tenderness

Were magical, yes it’s true

In the end it was broken

Our partnership was through

I can’t say the love was gone

It is still here strong today

It leaves me here now weeping

Wishing you hadn’t gone away

Forces have ways of changing

The life you thought you’d live

This night I sit in silence

Wishing for someone to give

The remainder of these feelings inside

A second chance for me to love

A person who will care again

And fit me like a glove

A to Z Challenge – X is for Xenophon

“Excess of grief for the dead is madness; for it is an injury to the living, and the dead know it not.”

Xenophon

I like the basic idea of this quote… it does only affect the living when we grieve. I never knew how hard funerals were in my youth but find more and more people I know are passing on. The best “memorial” was for my mom because she HATED funerals and said she would find a way to haunt us all if we did not have a party after she died. So we had music, alcohol and family and friends. We held a raffle to give away some of the afghans she had crocheted. It was a party. I still grieved her, but it was more of a celebration of all she had done.

Past letters…

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W

A to Z Challenge – K is for Ken Kesey

“Loved. You can’t use it in the past tense. Death does not stop that love at all.”

Ken Kesey

As I get older I learn more and more that this is true. As we age more people we care about are taken away from us, but that deep love will never die. Embrace it and remember fondly the memories of the past.

Past letters…

A B C D E F G H I J

Upon Hearing the News

Chaos takes over

Destruction reigns

Mayhem ensues

There is a war going on

In my heart and head

Tears fight to come out

As anger and sadness

Battle for control

Frustration and fear

Pain and confusion

All join into the mess

As my enthusaiam is crushed

And happiness fades away

I finally hang my head and weep

Do you ever hear bad news and want to world to go away? I just learned someone who once was a friend died in the summer and I am just now finding out about it. I can’t believe I let our friendship drift off to nothing but Christmas cards once a year. I am ashamed, sad, mad, petrified I will lose more friends… this hurts and I need to heal.


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – mayhem

A Single Place Setting

Photo by Athena on Pexels.com

I don’t know why

I thought I could do this

Holidays are for gathering

I should have known this wouldn’t work

But here I sit with knots in my stomach

And tears on my cheeks

Feeling like I am forgotten

Although I know I am not

It’s just a matter of circumstance

That I spend this holiday alone

No late night baking

No early morning to start the food

I can do whatever I want

Except what I want is to spend it with you

And I know that is not possible

Too many years have gone by

For me to be hurting like this

But I truly wish you weren’t in heaven

And could share this special day

Laughter and happiness

And a swelling pride about our child

What I do instead is embrace my tears

And reminisce our love

Before the poison took it away

Our life was once like paradise

A smile at the twinkle in your eyes

and a blush from just a touch

the passion and friendship we shared

was really once in a lifetime

So I take a deep breath and sigh

Before the memories get muddled

By the way it all had to end

I think of our daughter and son-in-law

And hope they are eating well

I know you would be happy for them

To have found each other to love

And that is what I hold onto

Knowing you are with them in spirit

And somehow I don’t feel so alone anymore


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – knot

Hi, My Name Is Bob

Drunk

Wasted

Trashed

Woozy

Boozy

Smashed

Messed up

Tipsy

High

Inebriated

Over the legal limit

In the sauce

Intoxicated

Too far gone

Alcoholic

Job lost

Family gone

Health poor

All alone

Money dwindling

Friends disappearing

Teeth gone

Weight low

when will it stop

liver dying

no more lying

house foreclosed

car repossessed

shaky hands

alcoholic

Rehab

AA

Tried and failed

Almost jailed

Wasting away

DTs

Falling down

Empty bottles

Passing out

Homeless shelter

Try again

Never win

Siren and lights

ER

Died tonight


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – inebriated

Big Sis

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

The soothing sound of a radio in the distance was playing a Roger Miller tune.  “England swings like a pendulum do, bobbies on bicycles two by two…”  The shadows were growing as dusk appeared in the sky.  She laid on the couch with a blanket over her legs.  Someone knocked on the door.  They knocked again.  You could hear muffled noises outside the door as the person fished their keys out of their pocket.  The door slowly creaked open and let the last of the fading sunlight in putting a little color back on the woman’s too pale cheeks.  “Alright sis,” the man said.  “It is time to be awake and get your groceries.”

There was no response though.  The woman was still and silent.  Too still.  The man walked over to her and touched her hand immediately gasping.  He knelt down and frantically tried to find a pulse.  It was too late.  His sister had passed away in her sleep several hours before he got there.  He slowly walked to the phone and called the police as a tear ran down his cheek.


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – pendulum

A Pretty Little Dress

Photo by Jill Wellington on Pexels.com
She sat on the edge of the bed
A vacant look in her eyes
Looking at her granddaughter
She complimented her on her dress
The little girl stood in pants and a t-shirt
Looking very confused
This was the moment
My heart broke for her loss
Her grandma was fading away
Disconnecting with the real world
Trapped in one with illusions

Slowly she lost reality
In her world of delusion
Walking in a haze of visions
She left the house in winter
Early one morning
Likely looking for her husband
The temperatures were brutal
And she succumbed to the cold
Taken way too early in life


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – vacant

(A2Z) It Could Have Been Engelbert

Photo by Jessica Lewis on Pexels.com

England Dan and John Ford Coley, Eric Clapton, Exile and the Eagles… “Every Breath You Take,” “Every Time You Go Away,” “Elvira,” and “Everyday People” … earphones, encore, ensemble, eight-track… each one an exceptional choice.

Where were you on August 16th in 1977?  I realized some of you younger readers were not even a twinkle in your parent’s eyes yet.  But it is one of a handful of days I will never forget.  My friend from across the street was over and we were listening to the radio and heard a news break.  Elvis Presley was dead at the age of 42.

My friend and I flew downstairs to see if it was true.  My mom was a fan and had the news on TV about it.  My friend took off back home as her mom was a big fan and she knew it would be rough news for her.  I sat with my mom for quite a while with the news trying to figure out what was going on.

The most tragic thing about his death, was the fact someone could have stopped it if only they had forced the issue.  He was given so much more in prescriptions than he should have been.  He had a room full of yes people to give him anything he wanted and sadly no one thought this was bad. It was an enormous loss for the music industry.

A B C D

Daddy

Two years ago today

I said that I loved him

Something I didn’t say enough

*

Two years ago today

We saw him decline overnight

Not realizing how far

*

Two years ago today

We said goodbye

Not knowing it was the last

*

Two years ago today

I saw his last breath

And my heart shattered

***

I remember the service

As something surreal

So many memories

So many people

But mostly

I was missing him


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – service

(Photo of flowers at my Dad’s memorial service)