I Pause

I turn to tell you about a fleeting thought

And I pause

Forgetting for a moment you’re gone

 

I hear a song on the radio you used to sing to

And I pause

Catching the lump in my throat

 

I see your picture

And I pause

Then let the tears flow

 

I pause to remember

I pause to forget

I pause for acceptance

I pause for love

 

I hear your voice

And I pause

Glad I hit the save button

Wishing I could have saved you…

Steve, Don’t Leave

“Later Fred.”

Later Steve.”

The two exchanged words

As they walked out the door

If only Fred had known

Steve’s later would never come

In the blink of an eye he was gone

At the age of 45 he died

 

We never know how long we have

We only have so many moments

So treasure the times together

And be a friend every day.

 

I found out a friend of mine just lost her best friend to cancer.  It for some reason reminded me of someone I met just a couple of times but was saddened to hear he died suddenly at the age of 45.  He had so much life in front of him and it was gone in the blink of an eye.  I can’t really say we were friends, but I certainly admired him and still miss his presence in this world.  My point tonight is treat each moment special as you never know when it may be your last.  (((HUGS)))

Mom Is Gone

If I were ten years old

I would run to my secret hideout

And just wait…

 

Wait until I stopped wanting to cry

Wait until my heart didn’t feel trampled inside

Wait until  a new day started

Because you said sunlight is always kinder

Wait until my head didn’t spin

Wait for another chance to read your notes

Wait for a new game of Parcheesi to start

Wait for the chocolate to melt on our tongues

But mostly I would wait forever

Just to hear you call my name

One more time…

 

It has been 6 1/2 years since my mom died in her sleep… I still miss her today like it was yesterday and ache for her friendship.

Missing

Today would have been the year my ex-husband would start to get those senior discounts at 55.  He left us far too early at only 52.  Every day I hurt for my daughter still who so deeply loved her dad.  I know he was very proud of her and I have to believe his is looking down on her and smiling everyday.  Today I tried to write a little something for my daughter to let her know he was and I feel still is so very proud of her and the woman she has become.

Today is like the last one

And the one before

There really isn’t a time

That you miss him more

 

But know this one thing

Even though he is gone

He was so proud of you

Each and every dawn

 

You have become a woman

Your father would have loved

And he still does to this day

Just sent from heaven above

 

for the daily prompt missing

Daily Prompt: Flames

The look in his eyes was fire,

Flames burning in rage.

His world was coming apart

And it was out of his control.

No job,

No money,

No hope…

 

The flames will fade,

The fire will go out.

He had a temporary fix

With a bottle in his hand.

No pain,

No feeling,

No hope…

 

The fire became an ember,

Then the spark left his eyes.

From drop to drowning

He never had control.

No hope,

No future,

No life…

Words Tumbling Out At The End Of The Day…

…I want to write.  I want to escape the pain.  I want to take today put it on paper and then crumple it up into the trash.  But that will not happen.  What’s done is done.  Death cannot be reversed.  What my daughter saw when she went to her Dad’s will be forever in her mind.  He laid in bed cold and lifeless.  I wish I had been there.  I wish I had been there.  I wish I had been there.  I could have shielded her from that vision that will haunt her forever.  I know I still see the image of the funeral home people moving my Mom into the body bag.  I wanted to scream. “Watch out for her head.  Don’t hurt her.”  What would the point be… she was dead.  That feeling will always be in the pit of my stomach.  And now my daughter too has a vision of death seared behind her eyes.

…I want to write out all the emotions.  The pain and sorrow. The confusion and doubt.  The anger and frustration.  He was only 52.  He has a daughter he will never walk down the aisle.  Why now?  Why did he not seek out help?  Why did he live behind closed doors in isolation so no one was left to help him?

…I want to blame myself even though I know it is not my fault.  If we were still married would today have been different?  If we had separated earlier would it have changed things?  If I had been stronger would he have gotten help sooner?  Was it my fault that he was all alone and felt so isolated he stopped eating and caring about nothing but another mind numbing drink?

… I loved him… I do love him.  We could not make the marriage work.  I could not make it work.  I could not watch his slow descent into hell drink by drink.  I always wanted him to be happy.  I always wished the best for him, for many years at my own expense.  I still hope he made peace with God or whoever he believed in these days and is in a better place.  I hope he found his Dad and Mom, both of whom he missed terribly.  I hope he found peace.

… I want to write.  I really don’t know what to say.  I hurt and am numb all at the same time.  I love you Jeb… rest in peace.  I will never forget you.  I will always treasure the greatest gift you ever gave me – our daughter.  I will miss you.  I did not hate you.  I just had to protect my heart from more pain. Sleep in sweet happiness now.  Good night.