Am I

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My life has been

A series of disappointments

Many at my own hand

As a kid I was shy

And just got by in school

I never had the courage

To stand up for myself

I thought I was lucky in love

But alcoholism ruined

My happily ever after

My latest blunder

Involves a large dish of ice cream

I can’t lose this weight

If I keep stress eating

So often I see myself

As the problem in the equation

Sometimes I just wonder

Am I worth the space I take up


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – series

Dark Clouds In The Sky

The streets are not paved in gold

Diamonds don’t fall from above

Peace does not leave everyone smiling

This is no utopia

This is real life

And it hurts

It angers

It hates

It discriminates

It drives out happiness

It has left me in the shadows

Alone and filled with depression

I feel I will never be able to defeat


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – utopia

A Little Bit

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She looks in the mirror

And dislikes what she sees

But there once was a day

Not so long ago

Her inner dialog

Would have been all

Hate and vitriol towards herself

Now she may not be happy

But she no longer hates

Instead she is true to her feelings

And knows it is not

Her goal in life to please others

She only has to please herself

And if she has a bad day

It is okay

She is not perfect

But she loves what she has accomplished

And each day is a new chance

To improve little by little


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – vitriol

Is That Really Me

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I write when I am happy

I write when I am hurt

I pour out my feelings in words

To make the day complete

There are days though

When I feel someone else take over

And the words spew forth

Full of anger, pain and hate

I study the words and wonder

Thinking I couldn’t possibly feel like that

But there are the words

Written right in front of me

Today I hated myself

And tomorrow I fear the same

If I can’t slow down

This awful pain


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – study

I Do, I Can’t

I don’t want to smile

But I do

I don’t have it in me to laugh

But I do

I don’t feel like sunshine today

But there is not a cloud in the sky

I do try to stay positive

But I can’t

I do practice staying calm

But I can’t

I do take all my medication

But still I am not well

I don’t want to cry

But I do

I don’t want to ache

But I do

I don’t want to bring everyone down

But my depression is intense

I do what I can to be happy

But I can’t

I do try lean on others

But I can’t

I do everything I can think of to be normal

But my illness always has other plans


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – laugh

In A Million Little Pieces

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I wonder what the words will be

Spoken for my eulogy

Will there be happy memories shared

Or talk of my pain and despair

Day by day I feel the pull

Of the darkness’s evil lull

and wonder if there is any hope

to find a way that I can cope

I want a life of smiles again

Not hours of pain within

I know you can die of a broken heart

But what about a mind coming apart


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – eulogy

Inward I Fear

Introspective… a look inside myself

It should be good to reflect

On what I am all about

But instead my depression

Leaves me feeling negative

And finding all my faults

The demons all come out

Taunting me to find

One shred of someone decent

Others would like to know

But often I come up empty

And I still sit alone

Believing I’m not worth it

Not worth anything at all


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – introspective

Depression Suppression

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I want to thrive

But I barely survive

I wish and hope

And barely cope

Moments of happiness

Compete with sadness

I feel so alone

In pain I moan

The nights are long

My thoughts all wrong

Maybe by mornings light

I will find some inner fight

Until I find some bliss

Living life I will miss

As I hide away in fear

I wipe away another tear


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – survive

Acceptance

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I can’t do it anymore

Force the smile

When inside I cry

I was so hurt

When you left me

And things spiraled

Out of control

I have lost others

From my life

And a big piece

Of who I am

I have to finish

This deception

And no longer

Turn away from

The pain I feel

Let the tears flow

And embrace the pain

If I ever want to

Be whole again


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – finish