Nightfall’s Lament

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As the day wears out

And night does shroud the sky

She sits in her father’s chair

And softly starts to cry

Remembering the life he led

The excitement and the dangers

His service to his country and his city

His kindness to many strangers

He was really well respected

And was liked in many towns

But the darkness makes her maudlin

And the emptiness brings her down

Left behind with only memories

Echoes of laughter from the past

She hopes for some relief

But it never seems to last

Just a longing of a special time

Before both her parents were gone

Now she suffers alone each night

And the pain just lingers on


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – maudlin

Alone

She heard the word

Alone

And she was instantly on guard

Why should she care

If she had someone to call her own

Or if she lived alone

Was it really so bad

To spend time with herself

But she had lived

A lot of years with someone

Her parents, husband and daughter

And the quiet was suffocating her now

Left in that silent void

She had never felt so alone and scared

But she was trying

There were less tears now

And more acceptance

If she could just get past

The feeling she would forever be alone

Maybe she could find a friend in herself


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – instant

Failing Me

I feel I am no longer whole

Just a shadow of myself

Broken and worthless

Pieces that are jammed together

But don’t really fit

Like a jigsaw puzzle gone wrong

My body is defying me

And it seems out of control

Every day something new

And it is maddening

Frightening

And sad

A new doctor ahead

A little bit of hope

Maybe a new treatment

Maybe a little bit of me returns


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – whole

Mumbles … Alcohol

I have a love hate relationship with alcohol.  That comes after being married to an alcoholic for twenty years, about 13 to 14 years of that I knew he had a problem.  The thing is, if he doesn’t admit to a problem, it will never change and believe me, I tried to change it.  Even once I got him to admit he did have a problem, he still didn’t want to change.  By the time he realized he would lose his family, it was too late, he couldn’t change.  It still makes me so sad and angry (at the disease not him) all at the same time.

When we first were together, we were young and doing what young people do – going out to hear bands play and drinking some.  There were even nights he wouldn’t drink as we had gone out of town to see someone play.  So, no problem, right?

Then there were shake ups at work and he had more to calm his nerves when he got home.  This was when the conditions started.  “Once this happens, I will quit.”  This was everything from work to a new home, a child, etc.  There was always a this that was not enough.  Then what I think sealed his fate… his mom died.

His depression was bad, but he wouldn’t get help; he self-medicated and with alcohol being a depressant it was just getting a lot worse.  He did try treatment, it only lasted a short time, he left before he was through the process.  He and I divorced… he said he quit drinking, but the proof was still all around.  Until one day, he died at home alone.

Alcoholism effects the whole family.  It made me crazy trying to find ways to stop him – hiding his bottles, pouring them out, begging, crying, yelling – but it was not my problem to fix.  It has been such a huge impact on my life.  To this day I still debate having even one drink.  I have somewhat come to terms with what happened.  I still feel guilty from time to time – if I had only done something sooner or demanded he get help or talked to other family about it.  But I had been too ashamed to admit that we were not a perfect little family.  And in the end, alcoholism took away my absolute best friend and love of my life.

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Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – alcohol

Empty Time

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The ticking of the clock

Echoes in the background

Minute by minute passes by

I am there and then I am gone

Lost in another world

No connection to what

I have left behind

Not even sure I still exist

Like I am suspended

Deep in a black hole

Where nothing exists

No sound or light

No hope or love

Just me caught in nothingness

Then the moment passes

The clock ticks again

And I am back in my chair

A little confused

But aware that time has passed

And I always feel like

I’m a little more broken


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – minute

Upon Hearing the News

Chaos takes over

Destruction reigns

Mayhem ensues

There is a war going on

In my heart and head

Tears fight to come out

As anger and sadness

Battle for control

Frustration and fear

Pain and confusion

All join into the mess

As my enthusaiam is crushed

And happiness fades away

I finally hang my head and weep

Do you ever hear bad news and want to world to go away? I just learned someone who once was a friend died in the summer and I am just now finding out about it. I can’t believe I let our friendship drift off to nothing but Christmas cards once a year. I am ashamed, sad, mad, petrified I will lose more friends… this hurts and I need to heal.


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – mayhem

Today

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Today I slept in

And then took a nap

I didn’t want to

Leave my bed

I didn’t want to

Do much of anything

**

Today I grew quiet

And withdrew from the world

I didn’t want to

Talk to anyone

I didn’t want to

Go anywhere

**

Today I focused on

All that is wrong

I didn’t want to

Hear about your joy

I didn’t want to

See any warm and fuzzy movies

**

Today I was depressed

And I hate where that takes me

I didn’t want to

Stay awake much of the day

I didn’t want to

Focus on anything

**

Today…

Will eventually get better

in a day or a week

somewhere down the line

there will be hope again

and a glimpse of sunshine


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – better

Mumbles … Extreme

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I knew what I wanted to do the minute I saw this, and I will get to that but first.  My life has been to the extremes.  I have had my high points and my lows.  Some people would think this was a low point as I am no longer in a relationship with my boyfriend of nearly ten years, but I feel a definite freedom and weight off of my shoulders.  I had been extremely isolated while he was actually here, but he was too busy with a million other things.  It was time to put me first.  And this past weekend he and his mom left to a small two-bedroom apartment.

So, now I wait for the extremes of depression and anxiety to hit.  I had a lot of high anxiety levers during the pack and leave, but it has been wonderful these last couple of days. I know the lows of depression will come though and I am doing all I can to keep them at bay.  I have a wonderful support group of family and friends who have been there for me.

Tomorrow will be a stressful day as they come back to (hopefully) get all the rest of their stuff they left behind.  Then I will totally free.

Maybe if he had listened to this song and taken notes things would have been different… but I doubt it.  What I thought of first when I saw the prompt… the band Extreme with one of my favorite rock ballads, “More Than Words.”


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – extreme

A Moment of Clarity

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He is unaware of my feelings

Oblivious to my sadness

I have breakthrough moments of happiness

But they are becoming fewer and fewer

Under the watchful eyes in my home

Afraid I will do something wrong

Peace is just a distant memory

Joy a thing of the past

Anxiety paralyses my being

Depression haunts my soul

One day something has to change

And any change is better than this


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – oblivious

Flaring

Like an insolent child

My fibro shows its disobedient side

Attacking me day after day

Showing me pain

Showing me fatigue

Showing me depression

It is the bully

Taking it all out on me

Making it harder to get through

Even a day of nothing but rest

I am struggling back with hope

That tomorrow will be better

Until then I turn on the heating pad

Reach for my medicine

And try to find a little comfort


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – insolent

*** It has been a rough few days and I am starting to come out of it and hopefully can do some more reading and writing to get to where I should be soon. Please be patient with me. (((HUGS)))