I have a love hate relationship with alcohol. That comes after being married to an alcoholic for twenty years, about 13 to 14 years of that I knew he had a problem. The thing is, if he doesn’t admit to a problem, it will never change and believe me, I tried to change it. Even once I got him to admit he did have a problem, he still didn’t want to change. By the time he realized he would lose his family, it was too late, he couldn’t change. It still makes me so sad and angry (at the disease not him) all at the same time.
When we first were together, we were young and doing what young people do – going out to hear bands play and drinking some. There were even nights he wouldn’t drink as we had gone out of town to see someone play. So, no problem, right?
Then there were shake ups at work and he had more to calm his nerves when he got home. This was when the conditions started. “Once this happens, I will quit.” This was everything from work to a new home, a child, etc. There was always a this that was not enough. Then what I think sealed his fate… his mom died.
His depression was bad, but he wouldn’t get help; he self-medicated and with alcohol being a depressant it was just getting a lot worse. He did try treatment, it only lasted a short time, he left before he was through the process. He and I divorced… he said he quit drinking, but the proof was still all around. Until one day, he died at home alone.
Alcoholism effects the whole family. It made me crazy trying to find ways to stop him – hiding his bottles, pouring them out, begging, crying, yelling – but it was not my problem to fix. It has been such a huge impact on my life. To this day I still debate having even one drink. I have somewhat come to terms with what happened. I still feel guilty from time to time – if I had only done something sooner or demanded he get help or talked to other family about it. But I had been too ashamed to admit that we were not a perfect little family. And in the end, alcoholism took away my absolute best friend and love of my life.
Do you ever hear bad news and want to world to go away? I just learned someone who once was a friend died in the summer and I am just now finding out about it. I can’t believe I let our friendship drift off to nothing but Christmas cards once a year. I am ashamed, sad, mad, petrified I will lose more friends… this hurts and I need to heal.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – mayhem
I knew what I wanted to do the minute I saw this, and I will get to that but first. My life has been to the extremes. I have had my high points and my lows. Some people would think this was a low point as I am no longer in a relationship with my boyfriend of nearly ten years, but I feel a definite freedom and weight off of my shoulders. I had been extremely isolated while he was actually here, but he was too busy with a million other things. It was time to put me first. And this past weekend he and his mom left to a small two-bedroom apartment.
So, now I wait for the extremes of depression and anxiety to hit. I had a lot of high anxiety levers during the pack and leave, but it has been wonderful these last couple of days. I know the lows of depression will come though and I am doing all I can to keep them at bay. I have a wonderful support group of family and friends who have been there for me.
Tomorrow will be a stressful day as they come back to (hopefully) get all the rest of their stuff they left behind. Then I will totally free.
Maybe if he had listened to this song and taken notes things would have been different… but I doubt it. What I thought of first when I saw the prompt… the band Extreme with one of my favorite rock ballads, “More Than Words.”
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – extreme
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – insolent
*** It has been a rough few days and I am starting to come out of it and hopefully can do some more reading and writing to get to where I should be soon. Please be patient with me. (((HUGS)))
Leigha Robbins 