A Little Bit

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She looks in the mirror

And dislikes what she sees

But there once was a day

Not so long ago

Her inner dialog

Would have been all

Hate and vitriol towards herself

Now she may not be happy

But she no longer hates

Instead she is true to her feelings

And knows it is not

Her goal in life to please others

She only has to please herself

And if she has a bad day

It is okay

She is not perfect

But she loves what she has accomplished

And each day is a new chance

To improve little by little


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – vitriol

Is That Really Me

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I write when I am happy

I write when I am hurt

I pour out my feelings in words

To make the day complete

There are days though

When I feel someone else take over

And the words spew forth

Full of anger, pain and hate

I study the words and wonder

Thinking I couldn’t possibly feel like that

But there are the words

Written right in front of me

Today I hated myself

And tomorrow I fear the same

If I can’t slow down

This awful pain


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – study

I Do, I Can’t

I don’t want to smile

But I do

I don’t have it in me to laugh

But I do

I don’t feel like sunshine today

But there is not a cloud in the sky

I do try to stay positive

But I can’t

I do practice staying calm

But I can’t

I do take all my medication

But still I am not well

I don’t want to cry

But I do

I don’t want to ache

But I do

I don’t want to bring everyone down

But my depression is intense

I do what I can to be happy

But I can’t

I do try lean on others

But I can’t

I do everything I can think of to be normal

But my illness always has other plans


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – laugh

In A Million Little Pieces

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I wonder what the words will be

Spoken for my eulogy

Will there be happy memories shared

Or talk of my pain and despair

Day by day I feel the pull

Of the darkness’s evil lull

and wonder if there is any hope

to find a way that I can cope

I want a life of smiles again

Not hours of pain within

I know you can die of a broken heart

But what about a mind coming apart


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – eulogy

Inward I Fear

Introspective… a look inside myself

It should be good to reflect

On what I am all about

But instead my depression

Leaves me feeling negative

And finding all my faults

The demons all come out

Taunting me to find

One shred of someone decent

Others would like to know

But often I come up empty

And I still sit alone

Believing I’m not worth it

Not worth anything at all


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – introspective

Depression Suppression

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I want to thrive

But I barely survive

I wish and hope

And barely cope

Moments of happiness

Compete with sadness

I feel so alone

In pain I moan

The nights are long

My thoughts all wrong

Maybe by mornings light

I will find some inner fight

Until I find some bliss

Living life I will miss

As I hide away in fear

I wipe away another tear


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – survive

Acceptance

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I can’t do it anymore

Force the smile

When inside I cry

I was so hurt

When you left me

And things spiraled

Out of control

I have lost others

From my life

And a big piece

Of who I am

I have to finish

This deception

And no longer

Turn away from

The pain I feel

Let the tears flow

And embrace the pain

If I ever want to

Be whole again


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – finish

Directions Please

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It is the one place in town everyone knows.  I guess you could say it was the town landmark.  It was the old Anderson house up on the hill looking over the whole town.  It has been there since the town was formed in 1894.  The original family was Emma and William Anderson and they, like many in those days, lost young children to disease and were never the same.

Their first born was a boy, Charles, who only survived a matter of hours when he was born premature.  Then their second child, a girl named Alexandra, died from pneumonia at an age of four.  And their third and final child was a boy named John, who succumbed to tuberculosis at the age of seven.  Each death tore them apart a little bit more so that by the time John died Emma was suffering greatly from depression and was briefly in a mental asylum to try to bring her back to reality.

William dealt better with the losses than Emma but was completely lost without her while she was institutionalized.  She came home after electro-shock treatments only to find William in worse shape than she was.  So, they hired a nurse to take care of both of them in the home.  The night they both died in their sleep is now looked at with suspicious but then they just felt they died of broken hearts.  The nurse was never seen again in town and was likely the cause of their deaths.

This was why most people avoided the house that sits there still in disrepair.  They left the house to a cousin who had no interest in it and he never visited it until towards the end of his life.  He left the house to his son who still owns the property but lives in a house in town.

The stories over the years about ghosts roaming the house and grounds looking for children kept most of them away.  Anytime a driver got lost and drove through town for directions, they were always told to drive towards the house and take a right just past it.  That is county road 16 and it will take them back to the interstate.

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – landmark https://fivedotoh.com/2020/06/08/fowc-with-fandango-landmark/

A to Z Challenge – U

A2Z 2020 logo

The letter U …

There is a lot going on in the world.  A lot of it revolves around a tiny little germ – the corona virus.  As I have mentioned before I have anxiety and this pandemic is not helping it at all.  Then the depression is intensified by the thousands who have died.  But I still go on.

My fibromyalgia is treating me pretty good today.  It hasn’t been too bad of a week even.  Really just sleep problems – can’t get to sleep, trouble waking up (that is due to medication to sleep I think), and the unexpected naps I take.  The aches are always there to some degree, but I am not curled up in pain, I can sit up and write, read and I have made it up and down the stairs a few times today fairly easily.  A shower did not completely wipe me out.  Bottom line is, I am upright and for that I am grateful.

CrAzY tAlK

Can not fly in the house or kiss the tip of my elbow.

Reluctant to frown, it always ends in tears.

Absolutely will never be normal, Abby is my name.

Zany to a fault, always mine.

Your daytime nightmare, don’t forget the pillow fight.

 

…if that isn’t crazy, I don’t want to know what is. 🤪

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – CrAzY