“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.”
James Thurber
I saw a post once that said dwelling in the past was depression and always looking ahead was anxiety but enjoying the moment brought peace. Having both I can see the correlation. Take the time to be in the now and find all the good it has to give.
Past letters …
He stands at a distance
Lots of space between you
But he might as well have been
Close enough to touch you
Because you felt the sting
Of a verbal belt to the skin
His words like hot fire
Burning deep within
He probably doesn’t even know
How sharp the words were
Retreating into the night
You just mumble yes sir
So you stay in the shadows
and treat your wounded pride
with a bit of self healing
and your time you do bide
when you begin to feel safe
and can walk tall again
you will be out of the glare
of his wicked loathsome grin
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – belt
As the day wears out
And night does shroud the sky
She sits in her father’s chair
And softly starts to cry
Remembering the life he led
The excitement and the dangers
His service to his country and his city
His kindness to many strangers
He was really well respected
And was liked in many towns
But the darkness makes her maudlin
And the emptiness brings her down
Left behind with only memories
Echoes of laughter from the past
She hopes for some relief
But it never seems to last
Just a longing of a special time
Before both her parents were gone
Now she suffers alone each night
And the pain just lingers on
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – maudlin
She heard the word
Alone
And she was instantly on guard
Why should she care
If she had someone to call her own
Or if she lived alone
Was it really so bad
To spend time with herself
But she had lived
A lot of years with someone
Her parents, husband and daughter
And the quiet was suffocating her now
Left in that silent void
She had never felt so alone and scared
But she was trying
There were less tears now
And more acceptance
If she could just get past
The feeling she would forever be alone
Maybe she could find a friend in herself
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – instant
I feel I am no longer whole
Just a shadow of myself
Broken and worthless
Pieces that are jammed together
But don’t really fit
Like a jigsaw puzzle gone wrong
My body is defying me
And it seems out of control
Every day something new
And it is maddening
Frightening
And sad
A new doctor ahead
A little bit of hope
Maybe a new treatment
Maybe a little bit of me returns
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – whole
I have a love hate relationship with alcohol. That comes after being married to an alcoholic for twenty years, about 13 to 14 years of that I knew he had a problem. The thing is, if he doesn’t admit to a problem, it will never change and believe me, I tried to change it. Even once I got him to admit he did have a problem, he still didn’t want to change. By the time he realized he would lose his family, it was too late, he couldn’t change. It still makes me so sad and angry (at the disease not him) all at the same time.
When we first were together, we were young and doing what young people do – going out to hear bands play and drinking some. There were even nights he wouldn’t drink as we had gone out of town to see someone play. So, no problem, right?
Then there were shake ups at work and he had more to calm his nerves when he got home. This was when the conditions started. “Once this happens, I will quit.” This was everything from work to a new home, a child, etc. There was always a this that was not enough. Then what I think sealed his fate… his mom died.
His depression was bad, but he wouldn’t get help; he self-medicated and with alcohol being a depressant it was just getting a lot worse. He did try treatment, it only lasted a short time, he left before he was through the process. He and I divorced… he said he quit drinking, but the proof was still all around. Until one day, he died at home alone.
Alcoholism effects the whole family. It made me crazy trying to find ways to stop him – hiding his bottles, pouring them out, begging, crying, yelling – but it was not my problem to fix. It has been such a huge impact on my life. To this day I still debate having even one drink. I have somewhat come to terms with what happened. I still feel guilty from time to time – if I had only done something sooner or demanded he get help or talked to other family about it. But I had been too ashamed to admit that we were not a perfect little family. And in the end, alcoholism took away my absolute best friend and love of my life.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – alcohol
The ticking of the clock
Echoes in the background
Minute by minute passes by
I am there and then I am gone
Lost in another world
No connection to what
I have left behind
Not even sure I still exist
Like I am suspended
Deep in a black hole
Where nothing exists
No sound or light
No hope or love
Just me caught in nothingness
Then the moment passes
The clock ticks again
And I am back in my chair
A little confused
But aware that time has passed
And I always feel like
I’m a little more broken
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – minute
Chaos takes over
Destruction reigns
Mayhem ensues
There is a war going on
In my heart and head
Tears fight to come out
As anger and sadness
Battle for control
Frustration and fear
Pain and confusion
All join into the mess
As my enthusaiam is crushed
And happiness fades away
I finally hang my head and weep
…
Do you ever hear bad news and want to world to go away? I just learned someone who once was a friend died in the summer and I am just now finding out about it. I can’t believe I let our friendship drift off to nothing but Christmas cards once a year. I am ashamed, sad, mad, petrified I will lose more friends… this hurts and I need to heal.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – mayhem
Today I slept in
And then took a nap
I didn’t want to
Leave my bed
I didn’t want to
Do much of anything
**
Today I grew quiet
And withdrew from the world
I didn’t want to
Talk to anyone
I didn’t want to
Go anywhere
**
Today I focused on
All that is wrong
I didn’t want to
Hear about your joy
I didn’t want to
See any warm and fuzzy movies
**
Today I was depressed
And I hate where that takes me
I didn’t want to
Stay awake much of the day
I didn’t want to
Focus on anything
**
Today…
Will eventually get better
in a day or a week
somewhere down the line
there will be hope again
and a glimpse of sunshine
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – better
I knew what I wanted to do the minute I saw this, and I will get to that but first. My life has been to the extremes. I have had my high points and my lows. Some people would think this was a low point as I am no longer in a relationship with my boyfriend of nearly ten years, but I feel a definite freedom and weight off of my shoulders. I had been extremely isolated while he was actually here, but he was too busy with a million other things. It was time to put me first. And this past weekend he and his mom left to a small two-bedroom apartment.
So, now I wait for the extremes of depression and anxiety to hit. I had a lot of high anxiety levers during the pack and leave, but it has been wonderful these last couple of days. I know the lows of depression will come though and I am doing all I can to keep them at bay. I have a wonderful support group of family and friends who have been there for me.
Tomorrow will be a stressful day as they come back to (hopefully) get all the rest of their stuff they left behind. Then I will totally free.
Maybe if he had listened to this song and taken notes things would have been different… but I doubt it. What I thought of first when I saw the prompt… the band Extreme with one of my favorite rock ballads, “More Than Words.”
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – extreme
Leigha Robbins 