Mumbles … Conflate

It was time for another Google search… who uses the word conflate?  I looked at it and thought cornflakes.  Seriously, I had to look this one up.  It means to combine.  I got to thinking … depression and anxiety are two things that should not be conflated.  Especially with this pandemic happening.

My anxiety makes me worry about the virus 24/7.  And the isolation from keeping up with social distancing just fuels my depression.  So, I worry and try not to cry.  I have to worry about my boyfriend.  he works retail and I am sure not everyone is going to social distance themselves when they are sick.  So they come into the store to (try to) buy cold medicine and tissues and then go through the check-outs coughing everywhere.

My daughter is also a part of a service industry – a coffee shop manager.  Corporate headquarters and state mandates mean she is still open but only for to go and drive-thru orders.  And wouldn’t you know it… people come through a drive-thru sick also.

I have seen it multiple times on Facebook recently – thank a truck driver bringing supplies, thank retail workers stocking and selling you items you need, thank the medical community as they all are putting their own health on the line to serve you.

I should stop mumbling and try to read more posts that I am behind on.  I have just conflated a bunch of words together to make a semi-coherent blog.  Hope you all stay safe!  (((HUGS)))

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – conflate

Slip, Trip and Fall

The view from down here

Is not a pretty site

And just when I think

I can’t fall any further

I slip on my depression

And trip over my anxieties

I pray I soon reach the bottom

So I can focus on the way

To climb back to the top

But right now I can’t

Let go of my painful past

Or stop fearing what comes next

So I fall another feet or two

Losing a little more of who it am

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – top

Love Again

No one is ever alone please call if you need help…

She sat in the corner of the bar.  The sign outside had said Gambit.  It made her think of the old X-men comic books of her youth.  She was way past her youth now though, but she needed a drink.

The same glass was in her hand that was there an hour ago after she first came in.  It was a salty dog.  She liked salty dogs; they were a drink introduced to her by her dad.  But he wasn’t here anymore.  Nor were a lot of other people.  Family members had died and friends had disappeared. She felt very alone.

She had come into the bar to find some courage.  Or maybe to talk herself down, she really wasn’t sure which it was.  She only knew she felt like she was at the end of her rope.  She was alone most of the time and it was taking a toll on her mentally.  She felt more and more useless and unwanted.  Today she felt like she might not just drive by that big tree on the corner.  Maybe she would take it on at top speed.

She was convinced no one cared anyway.  She was just a burden on society.  Not able to do her part to contribute.  Just a walking diseased body that was growing more and more unhinged.

Just then she got a text message.  It was simple and not convincing her of anything, but it made her feel a little less invisible.  It said, “Hey beautiful, how are you doing?” She knew he didn’t really need her anymore, but for that brief moment she felt wanted.  Maybe if she sweet talked him, he would again love her.  After all she still loved him.  And for once that day she felt she might make it through the night.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – gambit

In A Bad Place

I want to make one thing clear

I want to live

But I have these thoughts

They are dark and scary

They call to me

Late at night

When I am alone

They say things

I know are not true

But I get taken in by their voices

The danger is of no concern

The escape sounds so good

A chance to stop the pain

The sadness

The fear

I fight many nights with my thoughts

but I am afraid one night

the voices may win

and I will escape quietly into the darkness

and no one will notice or care

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – clear

A Moment Of Your Time Please

She was fraught with worry
She always was
Her mom had been that way too
If it could go wrong
She would have thought of it
And over analyzed it
For weeks before hand

He was wild and carefree
Never afraid it seemed
Confident to a fault
In an almost cocky way
A bad boy in trouble
Who needed a friend
And he looked her way

She didn’t know what hit her
She should have been warned
By her unwavering fear
That torment would be here soon
She loved him without end
Though he was just a friend
And he broke her heart again and again

There came a day
When she had so much to say
But he couldn’t be bothered
He brushed her off
Like an annoying fly
If only he had known
How deep her pain was inside

She was put to rest today
A quiet memorial with few there
But he stood in the back
No longer confident
Visibly shaken by the loss
If only she’d demanded his attention
Maybe he could have saved her in time

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – fraught

Mumbles … Ruler

I tried to think of a story to write… it came out like Sleeping Beauty.  I tried to write a poem.  It just sounded lame.  I am having a rough night fighting my depression and no words seem right.  I am not really thinking clearly.  So I struggle with what to write and senseless babbling seems to be the winner again.

I never had the teachers who would wrap you knuckles with a ruler.  I have never met the ruler of any nation.  I occasionally use a ruler to draw a straight line though.  And that is about all I can say about rulers.

I hope you all don’t mind such a short post.  I have my first pool therapy in the morning, so I need to get some sleep.  Maybe words of wisdom will hit me tomorrow.  I can only hope!

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – ruler

Not Me

There was a time

I felt that I carried the whole world

On top of my shoulders

Weighted down with the burden

Trying to hold together a family

Keep a steady job

And monitor an alcoholic

But I have learned

The disease had control

Not me

Not him

 

There were so many years

I felt a failure

Unable to laugh loud enough

Not worth anything

Always doing things wrong

While trying to wear a mask

To hide my pain and depression

But I have learned

The disease has control

Not me

Not my doctors

 

So I accept my limitations

And know it’s not my fault

I am worthy of happiness

I deserve to be loved

And I will do all I can

To trust in the future

For what it will be

I have learned

Life is worth living

For myself

For my family

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – shoulder