Mumbles … Toothbrush

Depression does things to you… like makes your toothbrush the enemy.  Why bother?  No one will be smelling my breath today as I hide out at home afraid of my own shadow not to mention the entire world outside of the door.

No, I am no longer at that point.  I worked very hard to get here where I wanted to brush my teeth again.  And more importantly I wanted to brush them for ME.  Surprisingly after my last bout of depression I went to the dentist and had no new cavities, just a loose old filling.  Makes me glad I have been making a strong effort this year to improve things.  All one step at a time, or one tooth brushed at a time.

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Bonus!  Even though it hurts to admit that it was nearly 45 years ago as I kid I went to the theater several times to see this move, (45 years?  Can’t be, can it?) I have to say this is one scene I memorized fast.  Even at the movies I picked up on ad jingles. 

*****

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – toothbrush

Feelings

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I feel low

Unsure of everything

Unable to rationally react

I trust all those feelings as truths

And when I say I am worthless I have to STOP

Take a step backwards first

My feelings are not facts

Just a passing notion

I feel better

*****

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – worthless

So Tired Of

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Tonight I am spellbound

In a trance

Taken away

Lost in a dream

Flying so high

And feeling so free

**

Then the venom did spew

And the enchantment ended

Pain in my body

Pain in my heart

Lingering doubts

And fears infiltrate

**

But I blame not you

Nor do I blame me

It’s my old nemesis anxiety

With her friend depression

Rearing their ugly heads

Stopping the joy

**

I sit in solitude

Missing so much

My life I once knew

The hope for the future

Instead I cry

So tired of me

*****

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – spellbound

Endangered Species

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I feel so tired

Fatigue is dragging me down

I feel unwell

Just no energy inside

I feel uncertain

Emotions cloud my mind

I feel broken

My body is going on strike

~~~

If only there was a way

To squash these feelings

To erase the thoughts

To feel normal again

But alas…

I sit in my corner and wait

For the rare and illusive

Good day

*****

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – squash

I Am Strong – FFF #185

Why do you do this

Why do you tell me

Things that aren’t true

(You’re fat)

(You’re ugly)

(You’re weak)

(You’ll never be happy)

(You’ll never succeed)

(You’re a broken failure)

Why do you echo in my head

Nonstop every day

Spewing lies to bring me down

(You’ll never stop me)

(I am in control not you)

(You’re life is rubbish)

I will make you stop

I have power you see

I AM taking control

You will no longer bring me down

I am no longer alone

I have a team to help me

(But you trust no one)

STOP!

I trust me to know the truth

That feelings are not facts

And I have strength and hope

To live my life as I see fit

Without listening to your lies anymore

*****

Written for Fandango’s Flash Fiction Challenge (FFFC) – #185

You Saved The Day

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Today again I needed help

But was afraid to turn to you

Same old story of pain and sadness

Chilled me to the bone

Why should I burden you

With what I can’t control

I fought the day all by myself

As I so often do

Closing off all contact

And let my problems stew

Then when I felt I wasn’t a threat

I finally reached out to you

Your words fit like a warm embrace

They left me with new hope

I never should have doubted you

You really lift me up

Now once again I feel my dreams

Might one day have a chance

*****

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – embrace

Not the Day Before Please

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It happened again today

The pain

The fatigue

The guilt

It is hard to make peace with myself

When I seem to always fail

Falling victim to this evil inside me

It eats away at

My energy

My strength

My happiness

Tomorrow I must be “normal”

And the way I feel now

That seems impossible

I fear I

Will frustrate

Will disappoint

Will lose

And those I care about

Will again think less of me

All because I am too tired to do anything today

*****

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – fail

WDYS – Sea of Darkness

It is happening again

I feel the darkness sink in

Everything is murky

Out of focus

And so far out of reach

Then the air starts to leave me

I can’t take a breath

The water will drown me

It feels like impending death

One last time I burst upwards

Towards the light of hope

Reaching for your hand

Hoping you can find me

In this sea of fears

Where I feel myself

Drowning too often

Hoping your hand will guide me

Towards the comfort of shore

And your waiting friendship

Where I don’t feel so alone anymore

****

Written for Sadje’s prompt What Do You See (WDYS) #147

A to Z Challenge – T is for Thurber

“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.”

James Thurber

I saw a post once that said dwelling in the past was depression and always looking ahead was anxiety but enjoying the moment brought peace. Having both I can see the correlation. Take the time to be in the now and find all the good it has to give.

Past letters …

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S

Lingering Pain

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He stands at a distance

Lots of space between you

But he might as well have been

Close enough to touch you

Because you felt the sting

Of a verbal belt to the skin

His words like hot fire

Burning deep within

He probably doesn’t even know

How sharp the words were

Retreating into the night

You just mumble yes sir

So you stay in the shadows

and treat your wounded pride

with a bit of self healing

and your time you do bide

when you begin to feel safe

and can walk tall again

you will be out of the glare

of his wicked loathsome grin

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Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – belt