In A Million Little Pieces

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I wonder what the words will be

Spoken for my eulogy

Will there be happy memories shared

Or talk of my pain and despair

Day by day I feel the pull

Of the darkness’s evil lull

and wonder if there is any hope

to find a way that I can cope

I want a life of smiles again

Not hours of pain within

I know you can die of a broken heart

But what about a mind coming apart


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – eulogy

Inward I Fear

Introspective… a look inside myself

It should be good to reflect

On what I am all about

But instead my depression

Leaves me feeling negative

And finding all my faults

The demons all come out

Taunting me to find

One shred of someone decent

Others would like to know

But often I come up empty

And I still sit alone

Believing I’m not worth it

Not worth anything at all


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – introspective

Depression Suppression

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I want to thrive

But I barely survive

I wish and hope

And barely cope

Moments of happiness

Compete with sadness

I feel so alone

In pain I moan

The nights are long

My thoughts all wrong

Maybe by mornings light

I will find some inner fight

Until I find some bliss

Living life I will miss

As I hide away in fear

I wipe away another tear


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – survive

Acceptance

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I can’t do it anymore

Force the smile

When inside I cry

I was so hurt

When you left me

And things spiraled

Out of control

I have lost others

From my life

And a big piece

Of who I am

I have to finish

This deception

And no longer

Turn away from

The pain I feel

Let the tears flow

And embrace the pain

If I ever want to

Be whole again


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – finish

Directions Please

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It is the one place in town everyone knows.  I guess you could say it was the town landmark.  It was the old Anderson house up on the hill looking over the whole town.  It has been there since the town was formed in 1894.  The original family was Emma and William Anderson and they, like many in those days, lost young children to disease and were never the same.

Their first born was a boy, Charles, who only survived a matter of hours when he was born premature.  Then their second child, a girl named Alexandra, died from pneumonia at an age of four.  And their third and final child was a boy named John, who succumbed to tuberculosis at the age of seven.  Each death tore them apart a little bit more so that by the time John died Emma was suffering greatly from depression and was briefly in a mental asylum to try to bring her back to reality.

William dealt better with the losses than Emma but was completely lost without her while she was institutionalized.  She came home after electro-shock treatments only to find William in worse shape than she was.  So, they hired a nurse to take care of both of them in the home.  The night they both died in their sleep is now looked at with suspicious but then they just felt they died of broken hearts.  The nurse was never seen again in town and was likely the cause of their deaths.

This was why most people avoided the house that sits there still in disrepair.  They left the house to a cousin who had no interest in it and he never visited it until towards the end of his life.  He left the house to his son who still owns the property but lives in a house in town.

The stories over the years about ghosts roaming the house and grounds looking for children kept most of them away.  Anytime a driver got lost and drove through town for directions, they were always told to drive towards the house and take a right just past it.  That is county road 16 and it will take them back to the interstate.

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – landmark https://fivedotoh.com/2020/06/08/fowc-with-fandango-landmark/

A to Z Challenge – U

A2Z 2020 logo

The letter U …

There is a lot going on in the world.  A lot of it revolves around a tiny little germ – the corona virus.  As I have mentioned before I have anxiety and this pandemic is not helping it at all.  Then the depression is intensified by the thousands who have died.  But I still go on.

My fibromyalgia is treating me pretty good today.  It hasn’t been too bad of a week even.  Really just sleep problems – can’t get to sleep, trouble waking up (that is due to medication to sleep I think), and the unexpected naps I take.  The aches are always there to some degree, but I am not curled up in pain, I can sit up and write, read and I have made it up and down the stairs a few times today fairly easily.  A shower did not completely wipe me out.  Bottom line is, I am upright and for that I am grateful.

CrAzY tAlK

Can not fly in the house or kiss the tip of my elbow.

Reluctant to frown, it always ends in tears.

Absolutely will never be normal, Abby is my name.

Zany to a fault, always mine.

Your daytime nightmare, don’t forget the pillow fight.

 

…if that isn’t crazy, I don’t want to know what is. 🤪

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – CrAzY

A to Z Challenge – P

A2Z 2020 logo

The letter P …

My case sits next to me.  I will have to refill it tomorrow.  It is my lifeline.  It keeps me going from day to day, as long as I remember them.  It is my pill case.  I take an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety pills, fibromyalgia medicine, some vitamins, allergy meds and an inhaler.  Then there are the muscle relaxers and pain pills I take as needed, as well as a daytime dose of anti-anxiety meds.  I swallow 8 pills in the morning and 6 at night.  But they keep me out of a deep depression, mostly.  I am calm enough to get to sleep instead of staying awake going over and over things in my head.  My fibro flares don’t seem to be as severe.  All those who went through medical trials before me to test out the effectiveness of these drugs have my thanks.  The researchers and scientist have my thanks.  As we see the struggle over finding treatment, a cure, and a vaccine for the corona virus it reminds me of all the work that went into the meds I take.  Bottom line is I am grateful to have the prescriptions I do.

A to Z Challenge – L

A2Z 2020 logo

The letter L …

I would say this is as important as food, clothes and shelter.  I have been lucky in my life to have been able to love and be loved both.  I admit that I often lead with my heart and that is not always the wisest thing to do.  However, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to see those I care about happy and that is what it usually comes down to.  I love with a vengeance and find it very hard, if not impossible, to shut that off once it is there.  A couple of my past loves are still a very big part of my life.  I love them and want to see them happy.

I am not sure it is as strong on the flipside though and that is a place where I struggle with my depression.  I don’t always feel that love is returned as easily as given.  I think it is just my insecurities, but I just don’t feel it most of the time; it often just feels like going through the motions day to day.  Here again though that is a product of my depression.  But there are plenty of people and things for me to love and I do so with all my heart.  My L gratitude is love.

Mumbles … Conflate

It was time for another Google search… who uses the word conflate?  I looked at it and thought cornflakes.  Seriously, I had to look this one up.  It means to combine.  I got to thinking … depression and anxiety are two things that should not be conflated.  Especially with this pandemic happening.

My anxiety makes me worry about the virus 24/7.  And the isolation from keeping up with social distancing just fuels my depression.  So, I worry and try not to cry.  I have to worry about my boyfriend.  he works retail and I am sure not everyone is going to social distance themselves when they are sick.  So they come into the store to (try to) buy cold medicine and tissues and then go through the check-outs coughing everywhere.

My daughter is also a part of a service industry – a coffee shop manager.  Corporate headquarters and state mandates mean she is still open but only for to go and drive-thru orders.  And wouldn’t you know it… people come through a drive-thru sick also.

I have seen it multiple times on Facebook recently – thank a truck driver bringing supplies, thank retail workers stocking and selling you items you need, thank the medical community as they all are putting their own health on the line to serve you.

I should stop mumbling and try to read more posts that I am behind on.  I have just conflated a bunch of words together to make a semi-coherent blog.  Hope you all stay safe!  (((HUGS)))

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – conflate