The letter U …
There is a lot going on in the world. A lot of it revolves around a tiny little germ – the corona virus. As I have mentioned before I have anxiety and this pandemic is not helping it at all. Then the depression is intensified by the thousands who have died. But I still go on.
My fibromyalgia is treating me pretty good today. It hasn’t been too bad of a week even. Really just sleep problems – can’t get to sleep, trouble waking up (that is due to medication to sleep I think), and the unexpected naps I take. The aches are always there to some degree, but I am not curled up in pain, I can sit up and write, read and I have made it up and down the stairs a few times today fairly easily. A shower did not completely wipe me out. Bottom line is, I am upright and for that I am grateful.
Can not fly in the house or kiss the tip of my elbow.
Reluctant to frown, it always ends in tears.
Absolutely will never be normal, Abby is my name.
Zany to a fault, always mine.
Your daytime nightmare, don’t forget the pillow fight.
…if that isn’t crazy, I don’t want to know what is. 🤪
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – CrAzY
The letter P …
My case sits next to me. I will have to refill it tomorrow. It is my lifeline. It keeps me going from day to day, as long as I remember them. It is my pill case. I take an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety pills, fibromyalgia medicine, some vitamins, allergy meds and an inhaler. Then there are the muscle relaxers and pain pills I take as needed, as well as a daytime dose of anti-anxiety meds. I swallow 8 pills in the morning and 6 at night. But they keep me out of a deep depression, mostly. I am calm enough to get to sleep instead of staying awake going over and over things in my head. My fibro flares don’t seem to be as severe. All those who went through medical trials before me to test out the effectiveness of these drugs have my thanks. The researchers and scientist have my thanks. As we see the struggle over finding treatment, a cure, and a vaccine for the corona virus it reminds me of all the work that went into the meds I take. Bottom line is I am grateful to have the prescriptions I do.
The letter L …
I would say this is as important as food, clothes and shelter. I have been lucky in my life to have been able to love and be loved both. I admit that I often lead with my heart and that is not always the wisest thing to do. However, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to see those I care about happy and that is what it usually comes down to. I love with a vengeance and find it very hard, if not impossible, to shut that off once it is there. A couple of my past loves are still a very big part of my life. I love them and want to see them happy.
I am not sure it is as strong on the flipside though and that is a place where I struggle with my depression. I don’t always feel that love is returned as easily as given. I think it is just my insecurities, but I just don’t feel it most of the time; it often just feels like going through the motions day to day. Here again though that is a product of my depression. But there are plenty of people and things for me to love and I do so with all my heart. My L gratitude is love.
It was time for another Google search… who uses the word conflate? I looked at it and thought cornflakes. Seriously, I had to look this one up. It means to combine. I got to thinking … depression and anxiety are two things that should not be conflated. Especially with this pandemic happening.
My anxiety makes me worry about the virus 24/7. And the isolation from keeping up with social distancing just fuels my depression. So, I worry and try not to cry. I have to worry about my boyfriend. he works retail and I am sure not everyone is going to social distance themselves when they are sick. So they come into the store to (try to) buy cold medicine and tissues and then go through the check-outs coughing everywhere.
My daughter is also a part of a service industry – a coffee shop manager. Corporate headquarters and state mandates mean she is still open but only for to go and drive-thru orders. And wouldn’t you know it… people come through a drive-thru sick also.
I have seen it multiple times on Facebook recently – thank a truck driver bringing supplies, thank retail workers stocking and selling you items you need, thank the medical community as they all are putting their own health on the line to serve you.
I should stop mumbling and try to read more posts that I am behind on. I have just conflated a bunch of words together to make a semi-coherent blog. Hope you all stay safe! (((HUGS)))
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – conflate
The view from down here
Is not a pretty site
And just when I think
I can’t fall any further
I slip on my depression
And trip over my anxieties
I pray I soon reach the bottom
So I can focus on the way
To climb back to the top
But right now I can’t
Let go of my painful past
Or stop fearing what comes next
So I fall another feet or two
Losing a little more of who it am
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – top
No one is ever alone please call if you need help…
She sat in the corner of the bar. The sign outside had said Gambit. It made her think of the old X-men comic books of her youth. She was way past her youth now though, but she needed a drink.
The same glass was in her hand that was there an hour ago after she first came in. It was a salty dog. She liked salty dogs; they were a drink introduced to her by her dad. But he wasn’t here anymore. Nor were a lot of other people. Family members had died and friends had disappeared. She felt very alone.
She had come into the bar to find some courage. Or maybe to talk herself down, she really wasn’t sure which it was. She only knew she felt like she was at the end of her rope. She was alone most of the time and it was taking a toll on her mentally. She felt more and more useless and unwanted. Today she felt like she might not just drive by that big tree on the corner. Maybe she would take it on at top speed.
She was convinced no one cared anyway. She was just a burden on society. Not able to do her part to contribute. Just a walking diseased body that was growing more and more unhinged.
Just then she got a text message. It was simple and not convincing her of anything, but it made her feel a little less invisible. It said, “Hey beautiful, how are you doing?” She knew he didn’t really need her anymore, but for that brief moment she felt wanted. Maybe if she sweet talked him, he would again love her. After all she still loved him. And for once that day she felt she might make it through the night.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – gambit
I want to make one thing clear
I want to live
But I have these thoughts
They are dark and scary
They call to me
Late at night
When I am alone
They say things
I know are not true
But I get taken in by their voices
The danger is of no concern
The escape sounds so good
A chance to stop the pain
I fight many nights with my thoughts
but I am afraid one night
the voices may win
and I will escape quietly into the darkness
and no one will notice or care
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – clear
She was fraught with worry
She always was
Her mom had been that way too
If it could go wrong
She would have thought of it
And over analyzed it
For weeks before hand
He was wild and carefree
Never afraid it seemed
Confident to a fault
In an almost cocky way
A bad boy in trouble
Who needed a friend
And he looked her way
She didn’t know what hit her
She should have been warned
By her unwavering fear
That torment would be here soon
She loved him without end
Though he was just a friend
And he broke her heart again and again
There came a day
When she had so much to say
But he couldn’t be bothered
He brushed her off
Like an annoying fly
If only he had known
How deep her pain was inside
She was put to rest today
A quiet memorial with few there
But he stood in the back
No longer confident
Visibly shaken by the loss
If only she’d demanded his attention
Maybe he could have saved her in time
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – fraught
I tried to think of a story to write… it came out like Sleeping Beauty. I tried to write a poem. It just sounded lame. I am having a rough night fighting my depression and no words seem right. I am not really thinking clearly. So I struggle with what to write and senseless babbling seems to be the winner again.
I never had the teachers who would wrap you knuckles with a ruler. I have never met the ruler of any nation. I occasionally use a ruler to draw a straight line though. And that is about all I can say about rulers.
I hope you all don’t mind such a short post. I have my first pool therapy in the morning, so I need to get some sleep. Maybe words of wisdom will hit me tomorrow. I can only hope!
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – ruler