Happy and Grateful – Day 160

June brings warmer weather and the start of summer.  Hopefully it brings many ideas from my muse too.  I continue to write for my challenge to find the things that make me happy and grateful each day this year.  Please feel free to join me in this challenge with comments about your happiness and gratitude or start your own blog.  There is always something good to find in each day.

Today was the first of many days of temps in the 90s.  The humidity wasn’t bad today, but it is supposed to rise starting tomorrow.  It was still too hot for me to do much.  I did however meet to friends I used to work with and had a nice lunch.  It was really good for me to get out.  I have been way too stressed lately and it is starting to really take its toll on my physically.  I hurt so bad tonight I took a pain pill as soon as I got home from my Dads tonight.

Three years ago I started a process that I knew would take a long time and be hard but still necessary.  I filed for disability with my depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia after being on a year-long medical leave of absence trying to find doctors and treatments worth a darn.  I had a lawyer, went through the paper work to file, got denied, appealed, got denied, appealed, went before a judge, got denied, appealed and just now(almost a full year since we filed the appeal) was again denied.

I did not just get denied though this time, my lawyer said they would no longer pursue the case with me and dropped me as a client.  So here I am with 60 days to file my last appeal and no lawyer.  I was devastated.  I have taken more anxiety pills this week than I have in the past two months!  Today I made phone calls and left messages all over town trying to find a new lawyer who would stand behind me and the 4 doctors I see on a regular basis.  Of course I wont hear anything until next week, but I am hoping at least one of them will be caring and strong enough to get the job done.

I am in a little better place than I was last night thankfully.  Not the dark thoughts roaming the halls of my brain, just tired (side effect of the pain pills and anxiety meds) and lost.  I know this post is going all over again tonight as I try to keep one train of thought on track at a time.  But I know I am still not there and I apologize again for that.

My happy moment had to be spending the couple of hours at lunch with my friends… I really NEEDED that.  And I am grateful for the good old-fashioned yellow pages to track down some more lawyers who I hope can help me.  If not I have to start over from scratch and try again… it is a LONG three-year battle though.  I hope the fact I have passed the age threshold of 50 now makes a difference and will be something to help my case.

I just have felt like I was dropped in the middle of a big city with no phone, no maps, only paperwork to get to a destination I know nothing about…. it is scary as hell!

Going to let the pain meds take over now and get some sleep I hope.  Once again I am sorry for my rambles.  Maybe I can find a way to take the weekend off from worrying since I wont hear anything until next Monday at the earliest.  Here’s hoping!  Good night my friends!