I had a long day after a short night so please forgive me for posting two days in one post…
Day 42 –
After a fun night with my daughter and boyfriend, I realized why I don’t have more late nights/early mornings like that anymore. I just can’t handle the lack of sleep like I used to. So the happy moment was when I had a chance to relax and catch a nap. As a child we hate nap time, but as adults we learn to really love those moments … or at least I do. Maybe it is just the fatigue that comes with fibromyalgia? Regardless waking from a nap refreshed just feels good, like a nice big hug.
Day 43 –
Today I took advantage of the quiet time while my boyfriend was at work and did something I love to do – read. I have to admit this is a different form of reading. It is an audio book for The Fireman by Joe Hill. I grew up reading Stephen King and when I read Heart Shaped Box by his son Joe I was hooked on his writing style. He can really rope you into a story and keep you turning the pages. I happen to find this audio book by accident when I was at my local library looking for a movie on DVD to check out. The case of CDs happened to catch my eye and I had to “read” it. I find I can go through the “junk mail” I get from all the businesses in my inbox while I listen. I used to “read” a lot of books on CD when I was working out-of-town and had a 20 minute drive to work. Reading opens up so many different worlds! Now I need to go and listen to a bit more… only 2 of the 18 CDs left to listen to.
Today is another day of struggles. My body aches, I have been on the edge of tears for most of the day, and the fatigue has been hard to beat. I feel alone and empty.
I sit here tonight and try to recall a moment of joy from the day, even if just a brief smile. The closest I came was for about an hour before my boyfriend came home from work I was listening to music and going through posts here at WordPress. I don’t know if I can call it happiness or more of a quiet understanding. Music that I was familiar with providing comfort and reading words that tugged at my emotions.
Looking at beautiful photos and reading touching poems kept my mind from wallowing in self-pity. Some days the quiet moment of peace are better than happiness. Some days they are the closest thing to happiness. I embrace the moments that get me through, however small they are.
Today has been a struggle. From the friend who has been absent for a week now – in my run away mind I have gone through all the worst case scenarios as to why he is out of contact; to the pain and fatigue my fibromyalgia has left me with today I, am finding it hard to find happiness.
I have thought all day about what to write and keep hearing those negative voices that tell me not to bother, I can’t finish the challenge, I can’t be happy about anything, etc. But tonight as I was writing something for my therapist to read at the next appointment we have on Thursday it came to me… writing today is my happiness.
To have the chance to write my concerns down and let my head have a rest from them for a little while really helps me loosen the grip on the pain and anguish I feel. Even if it only lasts a short time, the outlet of writing helps me sort through things in a way nothing else can.
So I want to thank my readers for being there to “listen” to my ramblings… I hopefully will have something a little more upbeat tomorrow. In the mean time I am off to try a meditation to help me find some sleep. I hope you know I appreciate each of you taking the time to be my audience. (((HUGS)))
Learning the truth was hard
I never imagined such an outcome
Less than fifty and unable to work
Unable to do so much I loved
Depression has robbed me
Fibromyalgia has assaulted me
Anxiety cuts me in two
Fatigue wrecks my days
The diagnosis of cancer was easier
I fought it and won
This monster has too many heads
The hydra has me down for the count
Not even Hercules can save me now