Yearly Mammo

(Just waiting for my check up and trying not to worry so I thought I would write out some of my frustrations and worry.)

 

An hour to go until I am

Smushed smashed and squished

The pain doesn’t bother me

It has become routine

It’s the waiting

And not knowing

That give me the grey hairs

But at least I have hair

It left for awhile

Fourteen years ago now

So this should be no problem

The worry should be past

But there is always a chance

And for that I always worry…

It Sleeps…

It lies beneath the surface.

It is quiet and in the shadows

Like a dormant volcano

Just waiting to erupt.

The proper term is remission

And I fear it’s end.

Testing comes yearly

But fears are there daily;

Not strong like they used to be,

But still ever present.

Maybe someday it will return

And I’ll be ready for the fight;

I’ve already been there and done that.

Until that day I just wait,

For now the volcano is asleep,

Who knows when or if it will awaken.

Is Mommy Ok

She attacked the room
Like a wild savage
Throwing things
Ripping papers
And screaming
I couldn’t say for sure
What she actually did
I only heard it
While cowering in my bed
Covers tight around me
While mom ended her bender
In a fit of rage that night
I never will forget
The pain and fear I felt
Only ten and afraid
But worried about my mom…

8 Minutes

The keys jangle against the lock
He is home from work.
Tonight it was only 8 minutes.
8 minutes from door open
To tipping back the bottle,
That is a new record time.
Things are getting worse
And I am afraid –
afraid of the past
afraid it can be worse
afraid he will die too…

8 minutes has to stop
Or I will self-destruct.
I have to stop –
timing
counting
watching
waiting…

Something has to give
And right now I fear
It is going to be me.

 

Haunted Memories

Day to night

Calm to chaos

Peace to discord

At ease to nervous…

As I face the growing darkness

My mind begins to scatter,

Pulling different directions

My fears take over

And my imagination runs wild.

But I am starting to get stronger

And learning ways to cope,

Minute by minute

Hour by hour

And night by night

I will conquer my fears.

The night will no longer

Replay old memories –

I will not be afraid!

Why Would You Say That

I cringe from confrontation

Don’t make me take a stand

Fear takes over

Whenever controversy does land

But I am learning my opinion

Really might matter

I just have to be assertive

To be heard over the clatter

All my life I was told

To just stand quietly by

While the others all talk

It was pointless to even try

But now that I am older

And know what is true

I might have something to say

Especially to you

What you said was wrong

And hurt me on that day

You should tell me you’re sorry

Just please don’t run away

Happy and Grateful – Day 68

As March begins I continue with my goal to find happiness and gratitude every day.  There is at least some small thing that can bring a smile and give you a moment to be grateful for.  Please join me in looking for the good moments of the day … it would be great if you would share them in the comments or on your own blog.  Be aware of the little wonders of the day!

I have been a bundle of nerves today.  We are having our apartment inspected tomorrow and I have gone through a million things they could find wrong with it in my head.  I have never been a neat-nick but I try to keep things clean, although a little cluttered.  Like my table beside me – I know where everything is in each pile, don’t mess it up.

My mom was never one to do a lot of house work.  She had me and my sister to help with dishes, dinner, laundry, trash and vacuuming… there wasn’t much more to do.  So needless to say I tend to take after her a little, plus since I have gotten fibro there are days I just can’t bend over to fill the dishwasher.  I can’t get my arms to hold up a load of towels to fold.  There just isn’t the energy some days.

So this inspection tomorrow has me on edge and in some kind of perfect planning it was my weekly therapist visit today – the day before the inspection.  I of course talked to him about my fears.  Fears of something being wrong, “strangers” in my apartment, us getting a long list of things to do we cannot handle or afford… I am really good at cooking up fears.  But like I said the timing was perfect with my doctor’s appointment.

Once again I find I am grateful to have someone to talk to about what I obsess over.  I am grateful he will listen and impart his own wisdom to the situation.  I am was happy it was just warm enough to walk to my appointment without my winter coat today.  (The snow comes tomorrow night again)  One of my biggest fears… the day my doctor decides to retire!

Dreams Blur Into Nightmares

My dreams begin to blur

With every drink you take

I have been here before

And it was ugly then

I don’t want to relieve that nightmare

I don’t want to see someone else

Waste away to nothing

Ravaged from the disease

I don’t want to live my nights in fear

Or what might be with every new bottle

I know you are not him

I know this could be different

But to me it is terrifyingly familiar

Automatically In The Past

It’s an automatic response;

I hear the slurred words,

I smell the alcohol on your breath

And I instantly tense.

 

I remember those nights;

He stumbled down the stairs,

Breaking the window

And I am instantly afraid.

 

I know you’re not him;

He drank more,

He lost control

And I should not compare you to him.

 

But it’s an automatic response;

You drink,

I remember

And the hurt begins again.