Inside there is a scared child
One who clings to dreams
Who is afraid of failure
And painfully lonely times
She clings to hopes of happiness
But cowers in fear of change
She has been pushed down for years
And tries to stay within the shadows
But now I choose to take her hand
And help her see her wishes achieved
She can cling to me in trust
For I know just what she needs
I am trying something new. One of the wonderful writers I follow has a writing prompt I am giving a try. It is a ten word challenge and I think I accomplished something reasonably coherent from the blend of all the words. Not quite my usual style, but it is a challenge after all. Let me know what you think and join in the challenge if you would like.
This is the word list…
And this is the original post – Sumyanna Writes
I manage a shy smile…
Inside I am giddy with excitement
But I am too scared to let it show
My heart is about to pop out of my chest
There is no doubt I am in awe of him
But I punish myself with words of failure
Sure he can only see the bad in me
And there is no hope for a future
In addition to my internal fears
There is a steady supply of women
Willing to trot in front of him and bat their eyes
Why would he want someone plain like me
I look away from his chiseled features
And that five o’clock shadow he never shaves
Sure he is way out of my league
I suddenly see a shadow cross the base of my table
I look up into heaven as he smiles down at me…
The thoughts swirl
In a chaotic sort of dance
Warping my brain
Into a place of fear…
What if it happens again?
What if my past repeats itself?
I take a deep breath
And slow the growing doom…
I have control now
That I didn’t have then.
I will not be a victim.
I will have a voice.
I will prevail.
Today’s daily prompt is shiver… it brings to mind bad times. Times when I would shiver in the midst of a panic attack. When I would be so afraid and mad at the same time during a heavily drunken night with my ex-husband. And crying so much my body would shiver when I lost a couple of good friends.
I live in Iowa, I should think of good winter fun when I see the word shiver, but I don’t. I recall many drives in the winter on the way to work where I could feel the anxiety over having to drive slow for the roads but knowing I could not be late for work, it triggered panic attacks more than once. My wonderful manager told me to drive in to work and show them the panic attack so they would believe me. That in itself is almost maddening enough to make me shiver with anger over the danger they wanted me to put myself and all others on the road into that morning.
Fear and anger gripped me so tightly many nights with my alcoholic husband. I owe some of that to childhood memories of a mom who had a drunken rampage destroying the living room while I lay in bed terrified she would come upstairs and throw things in my room. I would shiver and strain to listen to what my husband was doing downstairs. I would hold my breath while he staggered up the stairs, ready to jump into action if he should try to go into our daughters room. I had to do all I could to cover her eyes to the ugliness that took place while she slept.
I can think of two close friends I lost that left me so deeply saddened I shivered with streaming tears. One “friend” left in such an abrupt manner with no contact I was left shocked for months. To this day I don’t understand how he flipped the switch to off so easily… people tell me he wasn’t a true friend, but that didn’t stop the pain I felt from that loss. My other friend (due to reasons I can’t really explain) had to move back to his home after only 4 months of FINALLY being able to spend time together since we met on the internet 5 years earlier. I still have contact with him at least. I just feel I lost so much when he left. Maybe it is all in my mind, but it still brings tears after more than a year.
I am in the heat of summer and now after all this reflection I feel the need to wrap in a blanket and try to comfort myself until the shivers once again stop…
thoughts swirl into chaos
the lines are blurred
between right and wrong
good and bad
insane whirlwind tumbles
inside my troubled mind
unsure where to go
who to trust
my brain caught in a tornado
one of unending doubt
afraid of today
terrified of tomorrow
calm wind will never blow
so I grasp to hold on
to ride out the future
to escape the past
I am 48 and glad to admit that. Most women shy away about their age. I learned as soon as I heard the word cancer 11 years ago, that age was a reward every year, month, week, day and moment we receive it. But although I am 48 I often am that same scared little girl, so shy I am almost afraid of my own shadow. I have enough issues with depression and anxiety that I now find small problems and impending confrontations can leave my heart racing and put me in a state of crisis for days on end. It makes me feel so far from an adult… just a stupid scared little girl who can’t do anything for herself for fear of making things worse.
Today is one of those days. Not only am I stuck between choices, but I feel I lose a lot with either one. My choice of daughter over friend (which I have no doubt I will choose) leaves me so deeply saddened… and maybe slightly angry with my daughter for putting me in that place. My choice of friend may keep him from feeling everyone has turned on him when he has met so many slamming doors already. All I want to do is help… but if I do I could lose my daughter. She is my life.
So fear has my chest in a tight grip. What I felt was going to be a great thing to help a friend out and give me some peace of mind with daily assistance has now become impossible without losing my daughter. I fear though if I don’t help my friend, he may lose his life. Fear is dragging me into a corner. Fear is showing me nothing but bad endings no matter where I turn. Fear makes me want to have an ending… but that would be a story for a different kind of note and not simple 1 am ramblings of a 48-year-old anxiety riddled child. Time to pull the blanket over my head and think in my fort. Think and cry until the fear can be safely eliminated. Nighty night…sleep tight.. don’t let the bed bugs bite.