Warning, This Is Not a Drill

Image from Google search/Reddit

It  comes in quietly

Without any warning

All will be well

Then WHAM it hits

This debilitating disease

It’s unrelenting pain

And the chronic fatigue

Strikes any time of day

A flare sends my limping

To the medicine cabinet

I can barely stay awake

And my minds focus

Bounces around in circles

I feel like it’s me against the world

As I struggle to explain

Another appointment to cancel

Because I just can’t move

Or fear I will sleep driving

And loneliness closes in

Twisting my thoughts

Well I am warning you fibro

I will not let you win today

I may surrender to the symptoms

But I will never give up

Living the best life I can

*****

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – warning

Endangered Species

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I feel so tired

Fatigue is dragging me down

I feel unwell

Just no energy inside

I feel uncertain

Emotions cloud my mind

I feel broken

My body is going on strike

~~~

If only there was a way

To squash these feelings

To erase the thoughts

To feel normal again

But alas…

I sit in my corner and wait

For the rare and illusive

Good day

*****

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – squash

Not the Day Before Please

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It happened again today

The pain

The fatigue

The guilt

It is hard to make peace with myself

When I seem to always fail

Falling victim to this evil inside me

It eats away at

My energy

My strength

My happiness

Tomorrow I must be “normal”

And the way I feel now

That seems impossible

I fear I

Will frustrate

Will disappoint

Will lose

And those I care about

Will again think less of me

All because I am too tired to do anything today

*****

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – fail

Failing Me

I feel I am no longer whole

Just a shadow of myself

Broken and worthless

Pieces that are jammed together

But don’t really fit

Like a jigsaw puzzle gone wrong

My body is defying me

And it seems out of control

Every day something new

And it is maddening

Frightening

And sad

A new doctor ahead

A little bit of hope

Maybe a new treatment

Maybe a little bit of me returns


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – whole

Set Me Free

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Remove the sand within my eyes

Take the knives out of my back

I need to stop walking this broken glass

Both calves are tied in knots

I struggle to raise my arms

And my neck is stiff at best

This fibro flare has me in pain

And my mind all out of whack

As I struggle to write these words

I catch my breath in gasps

I hope the end of this flare is soon

I want to feel happiness again


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – remove

I Do, I Can’t

I don’t want to smile

But I do

I don’t have it in me to laugh

But I do

I don’t feel like sunshine today

But there is not a cloud in the sky

I do try to stay positive

But I can’t

I do practice staying calm

But I can’t

I do take all my medication

But still I am not well

I don’t want to cry

But I do

I don’t want to ache

But I do

I don’t want to bring everyone down

But my depression is intense

I do what I can to be happy

But I can’t

I do try lean on others

But I can’t

I do everything I can think of to be normal

But my illness always has other plans


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – laugh

A to Z Challenge – U

A2Z 2020 logo

The letter U …

There is a lot going on in the world.  A lot of it revolves around a tiny little germ – the corona virus.  As I have mentioned before I have anxiety and this pandemic is not helping it at all.  Then the depression is intensified by the thousands who have died.  But I still go on.

My fibromyalgia is treating me pretty good today.  It hasn’t been too bad of a week even.  Really just sleep problems – can’t get to sleep, trouble waking up (that is due to medication to sleep I think), and the unexpected naps I take.  The aches are always there to some degree, but I am not curled up in pain, I can sit up and write, read and I have made it up and down the stairs a few times today fairly easily.  A shower did not completely wipe me out.  Bottom line is, I am upright and for that I am grateful.

Mumbles … Warrior

Fibro Warrior bracelet | Etsy
Image from Google search – Etsy

I am not sure where it started but I have often heard the term Fibro Warrior.  Personally, I don’t feel much like a warrior.  I hurt all the time to some degree.  I have fibro fog creeping in from time to time – lack of memory, trouble concentrating, general brain fog.  I deal with depression and anxiety (which can be issues by themselves or along with fibro).  Sleep issues trouble me… one night I sleep 3 hours then I sleep 13 hours and still need to nap during the day with pure fatigue.

So, why is it that the term got added to a person with fibromyalgia?  I think it is because we often push the pain down as best as we can and continue on.  We read things multiple times, we make lists and check them over and over again, and we take naps when we need them.  I don’t see it as anything heroic or warrior like, but it is to survive.  It is to keep some aspect of life within our “control” when so many things aren’t.

I probably will never wear one of those fibro warrior t-shirts.  I will never refer to myself as a warrior.  But I will keep fighting every day in any way I can.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – warrior

and as an added bonus…

Exhausted

Like a dying cell phone

I am drained

Too many things to do

Not enough time

Just like that battery

I need a recharge

But sleep doesn’t help

And medicine is temporary

There is no solution

I just have to wait it out

Hoping soon I will rebound

And be able to live again

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – battery

Look Straight Ahead

I stare ahead

Fish swimming

Inside the aquarium

Not looking elsewhere

Afraid the others

Will judge and wonder

What I am doing here

At the psychiatrist’s office

I am getting better

Not so afraid

Of who I am

I am disabled

Frozen by anxiety

Saddened by depression

Pained by fibromyalgia

But inside I am still

me

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – aquarium