I Do, I Can’t

I don’t want to smile

But I do

I don’t have it in me to laugh

But I do

I don’t feel like sunshine today

But there is not a cloud in the sky

I do try to stay positive

But I can’t

I do practice staying calm

But I can’t

I do take all my medication

But still I am not well

I don’t want to cry

But I do

I don’t want to ache

But I do

I don’t want to bring everyone down

But my depression is intense

I do what I can to be happy

But I can’t

I do try lean on others

But I can’t

I do everything I can think of to be normal

But my illness always has other plans


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – laugh

A to Z Challenge – U

A2Z 2020 logo

The letter U …

There is a lot going on in the world.  A lot of it revolves around a tiny little germ – the corona virus.  As I have mentioned before I have anxiety and this pandemic is not helping it at all.  Then the depression is intensified by the thousands who have died.  But I still go on.

My fibromyalgia is treating me pretty good today.  It hasn’t been too bad of a week even.  Really just sleep problems – can’t get to sleep, trouble waking up (that is due to medication to sleep I think), and the unexpected naps I take.  The aches are always there to some degree, but I am not curled up in pain, I can sit up and write, read and I have made it up and down the stairs a few times today fairly easily.  A shower did not completely wipe me out.  Bottom line is, I am upright and for that I am grateful.

Mumbles … Warrior

Fibro Warrior bracelet | Etsy
Image from Google search – Etsy

I am not sure where it started but I have often heard the term Fibro Warrior.  Personally, I don’t feel much like a warrior.  I hurt all the time to some degree.  I have fibro fog creeping in from time to time – lack of memory, trouble concentrating, general brain fog.  I deal with depression and anxiety (which can be issues by themselves or along with fibro).  Sleep issues trouble me… one night I sleep 3 hours then I sleep 13 hours and still need to nap during the day with pure fatigue.

So, why is it that the term got added to a person with fibromyalgia?  I think it is because we often push the pain down as best as we can and continue on.  We read things multiple times, we make lists and check them over and over again, and we take naps when we need them.  I don’t see it as anything heroic or warrior like, but it is to survive.  It is to keep some aspect of life within our “control” when so many things aren’t.

I probably will never wear one of those fibro warrior t-shirts.  I will never refer to myself as a warrior.  But I will keep fighting every day in any way I can.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – warrior

and as an added bonus…

Exhausted

Like a dying cell phone

I am drained

Too many things to do

Not enough time

Just like that battery

I need a recharge

But sleep doesn’t help

And medicine is temporary

There is no solution

I just have to wait it out

Hoping soon I will rebound

And be able to live again

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – battery

Look Straight Ahead

I stare ahead

Fish swimming

Inside the aquarium

Not looking elsewhere

Afraid the others

Will judge and wonder

What I am doing here

At the psychiatrist’s office

I am getting better

Not so afraid

Of who I am

I am disabled

Frozen by anxiety

Saddened by depression

Pained by fibromyalgia

But inside I am still

me

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – aquarium

Over And Over Again

It is a never ending cycle
I have a day that is good
Then I pay for it
With pain and sorrow
For days to follow
I fool myself I’m normal
If only for a short time
Then have reality
Smack me in the face
But no matter
How many times I fall
I get back up and try
Just for a few moments
Of real happiness

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – cycle

Mumbles … limit

There is a limit to everything… and I think I am reaching mine. I originally volunteered for what I thought was a 2 week “job” of staying the nights with my Dad while he recovered from his pneumonia. That was the end of August… now we are more than a week into October.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my Dad and am actually grateful for the time I get with him. But physically and emotionally it is taking a toll on me. The biggest thing is realizing that he may need 24/7 care now, period. I was hoping to get it down to maybe 3 or 4 nights a week he had care givers come into the house and help him, but with the way his memory problems and (lack of) strength still seems to linger I fear he may need more.

My fibromyalgia is practically screaming between the up and down both on the stairs at my Dad’s house and just getting him things. (and the cold damp weather that just wont end… we may finally see sun again on Thusday) My depression is peaking again as well. Possibly brought on by more memories of my Mom (at least a half a dozen times Dad has called me by my Mom’s name) and seeing clearly Dad’s health conditions deteriorate.

It has also taken a toll on my internet time. I am a week behind on writing posts and reading yours too. I can’t remember the last time I did more than glance at my e-mail, my inbox is getting quite full. And time to relax and play a game… HA! Although I do get to take a break every now and then for some Words With Friends. But a lot of the time my means of communication is through Facebook and blogging… so I am feeling more alone.

The time is up now… my Dad has to see a doctor today. I will save this and get it to my post after the appointment as long as I have time this afternoon. I am limited on minutes now and must make the cross town trip in about 15 minutes. I hope the street lights are in my favor! Have a good week everyone! (((HUGS)))

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – limit

Foggy Days

Sometimes it is hard to be present
Alive and focused on the here and now
The fog drifts though my head
and life takes on a haze
I read something three times
Before I finally understand
I struggle for the right words
To say what I really mean
I often just stay silent
Because the fog is bad at the time
Don’t take it as a shunning
It’s a problem with my mind
All I can do is take a deep breath
And gently try again

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – present

Will You? (FOWC)

Will you continue to be my friend…
When I forget to call
When I miss your birthday
When I can’t come to dinner
Will you continue to be my friend…
When I have a panic attack at your house
When I cry over the phone
When I reach out in desperation
Will you continue to be my friend…
When I can’t leave my house anymore
When I anxiety makes me physically ill
When I stay in bed for weeks from depression
Will you continue to be my friend?

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – continue