Will You? (FOWC)

Will you continue to be my friend…
When I forget to call
When I miss your birthday
When I can’t come to dinner
Will you continue to be my friend…
When I have a panic attack at your house
When I cry over the phone
When I reach out in desperation
Will you continue to be my friend…
When I can’t leave my house anymore
When I anxiety makes me physically ill
When I stay in bed for weeks from depression
Will you continue to be my friend?


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – continue

Medicinal Ink (FOWC)

The sun sets and darkness spreads
Creeping into the corners of my mind
Loneliness begins to seep into my thoughts
As the pain of the day settles in my bones
My demons begin to awaken
It’s an all too often occurrence
As the waking nightmare is real
Nowhere to escape the agony
That fills my being
Both body and soul
I am alone and hurting
The only thing that gives me some release
Is putting pen to paper
Slowly scratching out the aching
With words of healing and happiness
Beginning the therapeutic recovery
If only for a moment or two of peace
It is restorative enough
That I can escape into brief sleep
Long enough to greet the sunrise of a new day


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – nightmare

Mumbles … Restart

My life the last eight years has been about nothing but restarts and new beginnings. I lost my mom, went through a separation and divorce. Lived “on my own” for the first time in my life. Came to grips with my depression and anxiety. I discovered I had fibromyalgia. I had to face my inability to work. Found a new hope at love. And watched my daughter grow up and move out on her own. It has been a busy eight years.

The recurring theme has been if you don’t like the way the day is going, it is ok to start it over again at any point. I have tried to learn not to be so hard on myself (although I still often am) and just go with the flow a little more. Most things are not set in stone and you can always try again or turn around and try a different path.

I most recently restarted a busy day by taking 15 minutes to go to the park and watch the ice floes. Just a moment with the forces of nature gave me enough of a reset on the day that I was able to avoid a day going downhill. I watched the water and ice, listening to the sounds of the small spillway and felt refreshed.

Ice floes 2-28-18

Before my fibro I used to walk a couple of miles a day and take lots of outdoor photos trying to capture the freedom nature gave me. It was nice to take a few shots of the ice. But it was nicer to be able to see the day with a better perspective after a restart.

I even restarted my blog. I originally was here about 5 years ago, but never was consistent with my writing. Now after completing a daily challenge last year, I try to keep up daily or at least close to it. It is amazing what can come from a fresh start.

I hope you all have a wonderful night/day! (((HUGS)))

I Hurt

As the day’s light begins to dim
I feel the weight of the day on me
The aches and pains from life
Burning through my body
The sense of loss I endure
As another day passes without you
The sting of isolation
As I watch my friends disappear
And the twinge of sorrow I am left with
Knowing life will not slow down for me
I once again try to place
My hurting on a shelf
And end the day just grateful
For a heart that is still beating

What Once Was

Allow me to live my life
To be the person I once was
Allow me to feel more than pain
To be happy and carefree
Permit me to do the things I used to do
To be productive and useful
Permit me to clear my mind
To have only pleasant thoughts
Let me be whole again
To feel alive and worthwhile
Let me spend a day without fear
To feel at peace inside
… please find a way for me to return to my former self

Happy and Grateful – Day 307

November brings a chill in the air and the start of the holiday gatherings of family and friends.  I can’t believe I am down to the last two month of my challenge to find happiness and feel gratitude every day.  I hope you join with me in the comments or your own blog in this challenge.  No matter how small there is always a little good in even the worst day.

It is Friday and the weekend begins… it really doesn’t make much difference though since my boyfriend still works Saturday.  The joys of working retail.  Man I miss it so much sometimes.  I get to thinking maybe I can work just a little, then I have a fibro flare or my depression and anxiety gets to me and I know I will never be able to hold a job again.  It is a loss I still battle through.

But we are here to find the happiness, the good of the day.  Today was a pretty quiet day after a much-needed nights rest.  I was grateful that I did have the energy to get some laundry done today.  I have one more load I am hoping to do tomorrow.

I did get to talk to a good friend today for a little bit.  It always makes me happy to talk to a friend.  I used to talk to him a lot more often than I do now so when I do hear from him it is extra special.

I need to try to shut my brain off and stop the anxiety from racing through my head now… hopefully I will get some sleep tonight.  Remember to find your happiness and feel your gratitude.  Have a wonderful night/day!

Happy and Grateful – Day 226

Seven months are gone now and surprisingly I am still plugging along with this challenge to post about my happiness and gratitude every day this year.  August brings the state fair here in Iowa and lots of heat and humidity.  It is the time to see the back to school shopping start with kids dreading it and parents loving it.  As I continue my challenge I hope you will take a minute to reflect on your day too.  You can even share your happiness and gratitude here in the comments or on your own blog.  There is good in every day!

It was a day to run a couple of errands.  Not bad weather for it, a little high on the humidity, but that is normal Iowa weather in August.  It really has been nice for the Iowa State Fair so far.  Mid 80’s and no rain.  The farmers are wishing for rain and our grass is turning brown, but it should help the attendance at the Iowa State Fair.  Don’t think I will be able to go this year.  I just can’t do all the walking necessary during the day.  It is a shame though I LOVE the fair.  It is huge and there is so much to do and see.  Maybe once they cure fibromyalgia!

Today I got to spend a little time shopping with my boyfriend.  We didn’t need much but still it was time together instead of him being in front of the computer all day.  I was happy for that.

I have a friend here visiting from Georgia this week.  She just arrived in town tonight and is staying with her parents.  She will then come and stay a couple of nights with us too so we can play some cards and act like teenagers again.  I am grateful she had a safe trip here.

I am going to go watch a movie now – Walk The Line.  It is a story about Johnny Cash and I think they did a good job on the movie, seen it many times before.  Remember to find your happiness and feel your gratitude.  Have a good night/day!

Happy and Grateful – Day 160

June brings warmer weather and the start of summer.  Hopefully it brings many ideas from my muse too.  I continue to write for my challenge to find the things that make me happy and grateful each day this year.  Please feel free to join me in this challenge with comments about your happiness and gratitude or start your own blog.  There is always something good to find in each day.

Today was the first of many days of temps in the 90s.  The humidity wasn’t bad today, but it is supposed to rise starting tomorrow.  It was still too hot for me to do much.  I did however meet to friends I used to work with and had a nice lunch.  It was really good for me to get out.  I have been way too stressed lately and it is starting to really take its toll on my physically.  I hurt so bad tonight I took a pain pill as soon as I got home from my Dads tonight.

Three years ago I started a process that I knew would take a long time and be hard but still necessary.  I filed for disability with my depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia after being on a year-long medical leave of absence trying to find doctors and treatments worth a darn.  I had a lawyer, went through the paper work to file, got denied, appealed, got denied, appealed, went before a judge, got denied, appealed and just now(almost a full year since we filed the appeal) was again denied.

I did not just get denied though this time, my lawyer said they would no longer pursue the case with me and dropped me as a client.  So here I am with 60 days to file my last appeal and no lawyer.  I was devastated.  I have taken more anxiety pills this week than I have in the past two months!  Today I made phone calls and left messages all over town trying to find a new lawyer who would stand behind me and the 4 doctors I see on a regular basis.  Of course I wont hear anything until next week, but I am hoping at least one of them will be caring and strong enough to get the job done.

I am in a little better place than I was last night thankfully.  Not the dark thoughts roaming the halls of my brain, just tired (side effect of the pain pills and anxiety meds) and lost.  I know this post is going all over again tonight as I try to keep one train of thought on track at a time.  But I know I am still not there and I apologize again for that.

My happy moment had to be spending the couple of hours at lunch with my friends… I really NEEDED that.  And I am grateful for the good old-fashioned yellow pages to track down some more lawyers who I hope can help me.  If not I have to start over from scratch and try again… it is a LONG three-year battle though.  I hope the fact I have passed the age threshold of 50 now makes a difference and will be something to help my case.

I just have felt like I was dropped in the middle of a big city with no phone, no maps, only paperwork to get to a destination I know nothing about…. it is scary as hell!

Going to let the pain meds take over now and get some sleep I hope.  Once again I am sorry for my rambles.  Maybe I can find a way to take the weekend off from worrying since I wont hear anything until next Monday at the earliest.  Here’s hoping!  Good night my friends!