Today once again I turn to writing to bring me happiness, but today is a little different. A friend of mine from back in our high school days has a birthday coming up and I am writing a time travel letter to take her back to the 1980’s. Some of the silly things we did as teenagers – hanging out at the video arcade, thinking we were hot stuff when we would go to the college campus stores to flirt with the college guys, the notes we wrote in school, the lunch runs in senior year to the store blocks away to buy and eat junk food… There was so much we did then that you would be in trouble or serious danger if you did these days, but we had a ball and lived through it all. It has been fun pulling out all the old memories for her letter… I hope it gives her as big of a smile as writing it has given me. Do you ever walk down memory lane back to the things you did as a kid and wonder how you made it out alive? Have fun with some old memories today! (((HUGS)))
Today was just as I expected. I pushed myself a little too much yesterday in fun, today I pay for it with pain and stiffness. But the show must go on or something like that. I gathered up all my energy spoons and went to the store to shop for my Dad. I am glad I did. I saw a friend who had recently had back surgery. We talked for a while then continued on our way. Then I ran into a former neighbor who also has a daily battle with fibromyalgia and the two of us caught up a bit on where we were on the pain scale. So it turned out to be a fun trip to the store despite the pain. Seeing friends always makes me happy.
Like a pebble in your shoe
It continually wears on you,
The irksome way he avoided you.
You were good friends,
Or so you thought.
Then he side-stepped questions,
He dodged speaking to you,
He virtually disappeared
…how can anyone turn off a friendship
Like a light going off?
It’s time to dump that pebble out
And walk free of doubts.
It was never your fault
Only his way of isolation.
Today’s happiness was a sigh of relief. I have a vivid imagination…which in turn means when I worry I can cook up a million terrifying scenarios as to the outcome of a situation. My best friend went silent a little over a week ago and my mind went wild.
My friend and I have kept in close contact for a while now… usually at least 3 or 4 times a week we will text each other, if not talk too. After the third text was not replied to my mind went into overdrive. I had every horror scene playing through my thoughts. I believe I called 4 times at different hours to try to find him, but each call went straight to voicemail.
I tried to calm myself reminding me that he said he cracked his phone screen… maybe it is his phone is out of commission, or maybe he met a bear on a mountain trail? Do you see how my brain works with the worry… I credit my mom for a lot of it. She was a first class worrier too.
But today the imagination was shut down by the vibration of my cell phone. My friend called and I no longer could blame the evil clowns for his demise. He was fine, although has a cold. It was his phone was broken and had to wait for payday to get it fixed. You know… that makes sense. The worst case scenarios can be tucked away for now, until the next thing happens to make my mind wander…
When I started this challenge I knew there would be days that my depression would try to stop me from finding something that made me happy. Although most of the day was down, I did receive a phone call from a friend this afternoon that was the highlight of my day. I haven’t been able to talk to him much with his work schedule and me taking care of my Dad lately. So it was nice to talk to him even if it was just for a short time. I tried to take that phone call and carry that joy with me all day, but it has been a challenge. I don’t know if the depression is causing pain, or my fibromyalgia is flaring but I have been aching today. It is nice to have that call to fall back on to find some joy. You never know when something as simple as a “Hi, how are you doing?” can lift spirits of someone who is down. ( …thank you sir for the call!)
Today’s daily prompt is shiver… it brings to mind bad times. Times when I would shiver in the midst of a panic attack. When I would be so afraid and mad at the same time during a heavily drunken night with my ex-husband. And crying so much my body would shiver when I lost a couple of good friends.
I live in Iowa, I should think of good winter fun when I see the word shiver, but I don’t. I recall many drives in the winter on the way to work where I could feel the anxiety over having to drive slow for the roads but knowing I could not be late for work, it triggered panic attacks more than once. My wonderful manager told me to drive in to work and show them the panic attack so they would believe me. That in itself is almost maddening enough to make me shiver with anger over the danger they wanted me to put myself and all others on the road into that morning.
Fear and anger gripped me so tightly many nights with my alcoholic husband. I owe some of that to childhood memories of a mom who had a drunken rampage destroying the living room while I lay in bed terrified she would come upstairs and throw things in my room. I would shiver and strain to listen to what my husband was doing downstairs. I would hold my breath while he staggered up the stairs, ready to jump into action if he should try to go into our daughters room. I had to do all I could to cover her eyes to the ugliness that took place while she slept.
I can think of two close friends I lost that left me so deeply saddened I shivered with streaming tears. One “friend” left in such an abrupt manner with no contact I was left shocked for months. To this day I don’t understand how he flipped the switch to off so easily… people tell me he wasn’t a true friend, but that didn’t stop the pain I felt from that loss. My other friend (due to reasons I can’t really explain) had to move back to his home after only 4 months of FINALLY being able to spend time together since we met on the internet 5 years earlier. I still have contact with him at least. I just feel I lost so much when he left. Maybe it is all in my mind, but it still brings tears after more than a year.
I am in the heat of summer and now after all this reflection I feel the need to wrap in a blanket and try to comfort myself until the shivers once again stop…
To me it seems obvious…
I know I blush when I talk to him
I laugh a little too easily at his jokes
my heart beat is so fast and loud when he is near
if our hands should touch I smile for hours
silly things remind me of him
he is on my mind all day long
and in my dreams each night
…but to him he only sees a friend.
I worry I will never look into those eyes again
that warm hazel gaze of his
the almost sad look when he is tired
the joy dancing within when he smiles
I worry I will never touch his hand again
feel the comforting grip of a friend
know that I am cared about in that moment
feel the strength of his grasp
I worry I will never see his smile again
feel the positive outlook he shares
see the joy spread across the room from his laughter
the pure happiness he has in his life
I worry I will never stop this sorrow in me
the feeling of being forgotten
when all I can do is remember
the feelings of love I had…
I used to have a best friend who I could talk to about ANYTHING at pretty much anytime. He has moved on… new address, new city, new job, and apparently new friends. For all of last week I tried to reach him with only one response that was about nothing that mattered. I feel like I have lost my soul mate. It at times has been a flirting kind of love, but never more than friends… best friends. Now I feel like I must have done something to offend him. I am lost. I think what hurts most is knowing it probably would be easy for him to forget about me… he has a borderline Asperger and doesn’t feel emotions the same, he has told me many times. He could tell when I was down without a word and could almost always make me laugh or at least smile when I needed it. I am at a loss on what to do… so I talk to the internet.
I hope there is someone out there that might take a minute to read my words. Maybe someone else who has lost a friend and feels alone. Maybe no one. I just know I have to write. My emotions get bottled up and it leads to depression that seems unending. I have anxiety issues all the time and they have been soaring with this loss. So if it is ok with you out there… let me talk to you from time to time. Let me empty my cluttered mind. Let me babble on about nothing important for hundreds of words.
I can’t say I ask nothing in return… I do ask that you take the time to think about how you treat others. Remember they care about you and maybe some days need you too. Be patient with those you love. Don’t use people. ALWAYS tell someone you care about them and they are important in your life… some days that maybe just the boost they need.
I think I will try to sleep now. When my head is full of thoughts I know it is impossible. But now that I have done a word dump I think my head is a little more clear and sleep may come. Thanks for listening… come back every once in a while. I don’t promise great writing, but a friend in the night who is a little unhinged and hates to be alone. Sleep well everyone.
Depression, anxiety… a tug of war in my head. I have a muddled pile of thoughts all squished together screaming for a way out of my mind. I have found in the last two years as my symptoms have gotten worse my friends seem to disappear more and more. The best thing to do for a friend suffering is be there for them…. but if you are there for a long time and then suddenly put up a wall it will slowly eat away at any hopes. A friend I always depended on, who was always there with advice or a good distraction is now a ghost of a memory. Nothing more than the other “friends” who became silent right after I said I was sick. But you know if I had suffered from a broken arm, they all would have lined up to sign my cast. Depression is not something to fear… it is NOT contagious. I battled cancer more than 10 years ago and friends brought me food so I didn’t have to cook and offered rides to treatments and covering hours at work…. but depression is like turning on the lights in a roach infested apartment. Everyone just scattered.
So along with medication I write. I used to write to a “friend” but they stopped responding. Now I write poems and the occasional blog. I need to write more. I need to find an outlet for the screams that echo inside. If no one ever reads my blog it is no different than my vanishing friends. If I reach one person who feels less alone in a similar battle it is great. But if I can help one “friend” to learn the way to help I would be overjoyed that some one out there will get the support that they need. The tug of war is harder some days than others, but I refuse to let go of the rope. I will prevail…. with or without someone who cares.