What do you say to a friend who wants to die? How do you balance the purely selfish need to keep your friend versus their need to end the horrible pain they are in. I know he is in a deep depression and that is a lot of why he is talking like that. But his life has been one disaster after another. He has been homeless, abused, and spent time in jail. The family he still has is not supportive at all. He has only a handful of friends. The worst part for me is he now lives a thousand miles away. Add in the depression and he is even further away.
I know depression. I myself have been in a place where death seemed so much easier than life. I had enough friends and family around that I knew I needed help and got it. My friend is alone a lot. And that terrifies me. The fine line I must balance is between being a friend while offering support and becoming too pushy.
I know I cannot control him. I know I cannot stop him. All I can do is love him and hope this depression lessens soon for him. In the mean time I wait and worry. I know he has the numbers to reach out to. He is strong no matter how he feels right now. The magnitude of what he has survived so far is enormous. I know he is tired. But he can overcome this. I have to believe that. I love him like a brother and I always will. We go through this depression as best as we can, together in heart.
Can I take a minute of your time? This month is mental health awareness month and if anyone out there is actually reading my blogs I am sure you know I have issues with depression. I admit it fully and will add in some anxiety disorder for good measure too. Some days if feels like a recipe for disaster and other day can be close to what some call normal. Tonight I am not normal. I am crying and missing a friend who has locked me out of his life. I often wonder if that was because of my depression. He was very kind and caring at first and I thought we were great friends… then he asked to borrow some money. I gave it to him and felt I had really helped a friend out… that is when little things changed. He would no longer stand and talk for 5 or 10 minutes with me just because. Text responses became less and less until he was never responding. And a phone call was out of the question. …so why did he leave?
That was about 4 years ago. Now another friend I have actually known almost as long has started not responding to email. Another friend will never answer a phone call. And one more friend I used to visit at least once every week or two seems to always be busy. Depression takes those things and turns them ALL into my fault. I did something wrong. I am the toxic person in any relationship. I am doomed to be alone. Even my boyfriend is more and more distant. Is there any chance for an open and honest depressive to have a social life at all? Are we all destined to sabotage our relationships some how?
I have no answers only questions and sadness. The longer the sadness stays with me the worse I get … so I write. I used to write to my friends, but I think that may be part of the problem. So now I write to everyone and more likely no one. I am not good at this blog thing…. but just maybe one night I will connect with one person and they will see there is a way to let go of some of the depression and purge a little of the pain. To you dear reader … or if I dare to dream readerS… thank you for taking time, for giving me just a minute of your time. Letting me bleed out the pain like ink drops on paper (or keyboard to screen as it were). does help me a little and if there is only one single person out there having a bad night that sees a small connection and a bit of hope, then my late night ramblings are worth it. I will continue to expose my gaping wounds and try to find ways to heal… there is plenty of room on the depression train. Take a ride with me and I will supply the words and tissues.
Truly thanks for reading!