Mumbles… Assay


My mind is muddled tonight. Assay is not a common part of my vocabulary and all I can think tonight is that would be the way to phonetically spell out Foghorn Leghorn saying “I say” with his thick southern accent. So instead of writing I am thinking about cartoons of my youth.

Truth be told I just feel pretty disconnected tonight. Had a cold shoulder reaction from a friend and my daughter both the last two days and I am just a little fed up with it. I care, I care a lot and maybe that is a character defect instead of a good thing. But to a certain extent you expect others to care back at least a fraction of what you give out. I have had too many “friends” be there and then on the flip of a switch be gone. I don’t get it. I don’t understand how you can act like a good friend and then up and turn silent… no text, no calls, no emails.

To my fault or credit, once I care about someone, I care forever. I spent nearly 30 years missing a friend from grade school… we finally found each other through Facebook about 3 years ago. But in that time I never stopped saying she was my friend. I still cared and wondered where she was and if she was happy.

In the past 5 years or so I have had 4 people I considered good friends go silent… how can you do that to a friend. If something is wrong bring it up, have a fight or something, but just becoming distant to NOTHING is so rude and HURTS LIKE HELL.

Well I am just rambling and spewing forth a bunch of pain…you have better blogs to get to. I do thank you for reading. I hope there are a few who made it this far tonight. For you I send wishes for a wonderful night/day!

Crashing Down

I stare at the mirror

Wondering who she is?

What right does she have

To be here now?

I look around the room

At the items on the counter,

Toothbrush, cologne, deodorant;

An organized mess surrounds.

A part of me want to sweep it all

Off onto the floor.

See them all crashing down

Like the life I am stuck in.

I look into the mirror again

And see the tears have started.

I am so numb I didn’t even notice.

I am overwhelmed

And desperate for some peace.

Disgusted by what I see

And the thoughts I have;

I turn around and leave the room,

Quietly turning out the light

On the room and myself.

Slog Through The Forms

I am not a rocket scientist, and I don’t play one on TV either.  I’ll admit it… I looked up slog.  And I guess that is what I was doing today – slogging through re-certification paperwork for our apartment.

I get so frustrated with paperwork and especially financial forms anymore.  The fibro fog make the numbers blur and I forget what I am writing halfway through a long number.  I shouldn’t have a thing to worry about as I have not worked for over a year and still no positive word on disability.  There were 7 sheets of paper I had to fill out today and I spent almost an hour and a half on them and still was not done.  I feel so slow and sluggish.  I read and re-read questions to try to figure out what they need.  I used to be able to go through this stuff in no time.  This is now worse than taking a math midterm or finals paper!

But I persevered, kept toiling away at it, and we went through it with the landlord.  Only one more paper to fill out and we are done… then the waiting game to see if we still qualify.  We have been here two months beyond our original lease so I would think yes would come pretty easy.  But doubt always finds a way to creep in and cast shadows about.  I am trying to feel positive about this and if it should go bad, well then we just pick up, dust off and try something different.

At least today was productive in one small way.  I learned a new word to throw out there with lumber, trudge and grind.  My personal dictionary has grown!

“Friendship” Frustrations

I think I am doing something wrong.  I am getting so tired of “giving” everything in a friendship and not getting anything back.  If it was just one or two friends I would not worry about it so much but I can name at least 4 “friends” in the last couple of years that never or very rarely return any kind of giving.  And I am not talking about gifts … just simply giving time, love, basic caring.  I am tired of unanswered emails, ignored cards and letters, text messages that are never replied to.

What am I doing wrong?  Do I just have the talent of picking all the “worst” people?  These are people I have cared about and thought cared about me but they sure don’t show it.  I understand getting busy but… I have one friend in the past year I have seen ONCE for about 15 minutes.  This was after she used to visit weekly.  Another friend has health issue, I understand that… but is typing an email with “I’m doing ok” so time-consuming?  Another friend who I have sent letters to three times now and not even a quick phone call to say she got them.

Do I just misunderstand friendship?  I have always thought when you care you give of yourself in the relationship.  Is that the wrong kind of thinking?  I really even like to give.  Sending a card or letter when I know someone is down, or just out of the blue for a little bit of a break from the bills in the mail.  A text just to say I love you in the middle of the day.  An offer of a listening ear when there are problems going on.  But I have been left alone and wondering too many times.

So I must be doing it wrong.  I should only reply to half of what I receive.  I should stop with the random sentiments.  And never take the time to write an actual letter to someone to send with a card that is not in digital form.  I need to harden my heart and be a part-time “friend” so I match up with what others are doing.  Or am I just picking the wrong people to trust and love?  Do you share and give or yourself with your friends?  Or as a society have we just all become self sufficient?

I may ramble here, but I know I wont change and I will continue to get to a point when it piles up and I think I am the only one who gives once again.  I like to do things that make people smile.  But just once I would like the kindness to be returned.  Is that too much to ask?

Hello Again

Hello once again my friend out there… the reader in the distance… my connection to some hope.  I am facing another night with rambling thoughts bouncing about in my mind with a wish to quiet my inner noise.

I am dealing with a problem that happens far more often than it should… I forgot to take my meds this morning.  I have them in a pill case to remind me even.  I have an alarm that goes off every day at 11 to remind me to take them if I haven’t yet.  And still somehow a day will squeak by and I am oblivious to my neglect until it is far to late in the day for morning pills.  So I have a headache that just grows.  I get more sensitive to emotions – a mood swing almost.  And I ache more.  It really reminds me of just how out of control I am with my body and mind at times.

To someone who has never dealt with mood swings it is hard to explain.  I had my first experience with them after my chemotherapy left my hormones a mess.  I took some meds to try to straighten them out and I would have such a drastic move from one emotion to the next it felt worse than riding a roller coaster without a seat belt. Calm to bitch in 2 seconds and then a bawling baby in another tick of the clock.  It was hell.

This is like that only a more gradual descent into chaos.  Usually by the time I realize there is a problem it is too late to stop it.  And then I add, on top of the symptoms, guilt and frustration as I am mad at myself for not remembering to take them.  Do you ever miss your meds?

I have spent a good part of the day trying to reach out to a couple of friends.  I sent a couple of long emails and have as of yet not heard anything back.  Insecurity is HUGE for me especially when I am feeling bad.  I have to pound it back into my brain that they are not sitting with their computer like I am.  They are enjoying the summer day and at the pool or park… I am the one with no energy to walk up a flight of stairs today.  (Have I mentioned before that fibro SUCKS!?)  I sent a couple of texts to a friend and managed to say the wrong thing and make him mad.  And my boyfriend has been withdrawn and quiet today since he came home from work.  So I feel more disconnected.

Missed meds, loneliness, worry for a friend in the hospital… it all descends on me now that it is dark and the world has fallen quiet.  For me there are a million thoughts screaming within.  Sometimes I can keep up with the din and write out the clatter at least as fast as it sounds, but not always.  If I can cut the noise in half I feel I have accomplished something.  So I write, I ramble, I try to connect to one small portion of the universe.  My little piece of star-dust… thank you for listening tonight.