Daily Prompt: Vice

I am stumped today.  I keep thinking of something to do with vice and I come up blank.  So when I get writers block I tend to babble… you have been warned.

The advice was nice for the mice who wanted ice, but the price for the vice was too high.

Ta-da!  I wrote something  about vice… sorry folks but I am in a mood.  I want to shut down for the night and the wheels are just spinning way to fast to relax.  I have two appointments tomorrow and I am certain I will over sleep so of course I am wired now and don’t feel like sleep will be any time soon.

Usually when I am suffering from insomnia I try to write.  If I can get the wandering words out it makes my head a little more quiet.  Unfortunately the thoughts are really jumping too fast to make a lot of sense tonight.  BUT … I promised myself I would stick with these one word prompts and keep writing.  I really think it has helped my depression and anxiety some.  I know it has helped my self-confidence a little to know there are a few of you following my ramblings out there.  I am far from a great writer, but if I can somehow connect with even just one person I feel it makes a difference.

I write in times of dark depression best usually.  The evil words just seem to flow better than those rare moments of happiness… my writing then always seems cheesy to me.  But being alone, scared, frustrated, defeated and so on are some of the times the words just seem to click better.  Right now I am just almost manic and can not keep a flow going in any one direction.  Does anyone else ever get that way?

I am also kind of dreading tomorrow morning.  My Dad (who is now 80) has to take a driving test to renew his driver’s license.  I love him to pieces, but his driving scares me.  He recently had to have surgery and his license came due during the recovery… now he waited long enough he has to take a test.  I am glad the decision to drive or not to does not fall into my hands or my sister’s.  I know he will be devastated if he does not get his license.  I just hope if it is a no, they are polite about the denial.

I think I will stop babbling at the keyboard now.  I have you all confused by now I am sure.  I am not even sure of which direction I am going… LOL!  I hope you all get a good nights rest.  Until the next time… (((HUGS)))

No Friends To HELP…

Digimax A50 / KENOX Q2

I am having a really rough night.  Lots of pain both physically and emotionally.  I can’t sleep and that is causing more anxiety since I have to be awake in 4 1/2 hours.  I tried to turn to a friend tonight and got brushed off before I had a chance to ask for help… it hurt.  I hate nights like this.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but that is still over 14 hours away. I looked to a depression group for another place to find “a friend” and an hour now with no response.  I feel invisible.

I know this is not the nice blog I can write, my mind is all over the place and I feel very lost in the dark of this night.  Money problems, relationship problems and the vanishing friends all do nothing but fuel the fire.  It is a roaring inferno now.

I know I have depression and I have nights like this, and I have gotten through them before…. but that doesn’t make them any less scary.  Some of my thoughts are out right cruel, some make me want to scream and others just whimper in the background.  I’m sorry but I fucking hate depression and anxiety!!!!

If I could just get off this vicious cycle of, okay, then bad, then better, than much worse, then alright, then livable, then…  No one to talk to at 1:30 am.  And if there was I would only be a bother anyway.  I hope I have not bothered you too much with my ramblings.  Sometimes it helps if I try to get the poisonous words out… sometimes it doesn’t.  Maybe there is someone else out there suffering tonight… it is better if we don’t suffer alone.  So pull up a chair and let’s face the demons in the dark together.

Dear whoever…

To whom it may concern,

I am still here, but not sure why.  I battle depression everyday and today is a bad day.  My boyfriend has a birthday tomorrow and I can’t afford to buy him anything.  I found out my cat is diabetic and need $65 a bag specialty food now.  I have fibromyalgia and am in a painful flare right now.  I am in debt until 10 years past my death.  I am feeling very small under a mountain of problems.  So I write yet again.

I write to relieve some of the stress.  Let some of the pain bleed through the “ink” to soak into a clean fresh page, ultimately to give me a fresh start when I am done.  I feel pointless with my worries.  I have dealt with addicts (alcohol mainly) a lot of my life and I know I have to focus on me because I cannot control them.  Two of them especially … one died from a heart attack and the other from liver failure far to young.

I want to help… that is the codependent in me trying to fix everything.  And with one friend in the hospital and one friend facing jail time I feel I should be able to do SOMETHING to help.  But when I turn to the places that are supposed to help me, I feel very out-of-place.  I never dealt with physical violence with any of the addicts.  Thank God, my husband of 20 years never got behind a steering wheel after drinking.  So many are in real fear for their lives… my problems seem small.

I need to purge and I know this is all coming at top speed in no organized order really.. kind of like my chaotic life.  In Al-anon the first step is realizing our life is unmanageable… I am so there tonight.  Every thought swirling and making me dizzy.  My mind in overdrive trying to find a “free” way to celebrate my boyfriends birthday in a special way.  Trying to pray for money to show up somewhere so I can pay to talk to my friend while he is in jail.  Hoping my other friend comes out the other side of her illness and heads home to her beautiful baby girl.  Oh wait… there is also the friend who has stage 4 cancer… with treatment she may have years but without only months.

So my mind is revving up, racing thoughts take turns on the track, as that damn hamster keeps squeaking on the wheel running on forever with my thoughts.  If I could just silence my head a bit.  If I could find calm.  If I could SLEEP.  If is a rotten word…

So to those of you who are reading this ramble, thank you!  It is good to know there may be someone out there who notices a small insignificant writer from the Midwest who is just searching for some peace.  Page by page, word by word and letter by letter I can lose some of the tensions.  I feel my heart is not racing as fast.  I am breathing a little more deeply and can feel a chance at sleep.  If I don’t stop not and take it, that fleeting moment may be gone for a couple more hours.  I hope you get some rest too… thanks again for listening. my invisible audience I hope is out there.  Good night!



Empty Chaos

(**WARNING – Possible Triggers**)

The hamster on the wheel endlessly spinning.

The constant squeak grinding into my head.

The words bouncing off the walls of my skull

like an endless handball game of thought.

Constant buzzing and relentless noise

blasts a permanent one way vacuum

letting insomnia scream into my life.

Never finding peace.

Never finding quiet.

Never finding relief.

There is only doubt, fear and sadness

as the days and night blur into a black hole.

Leaving my life a void of hope.

Nothing to feel.

Nothing to see.

Nothing worth living…