Fandango’s Friday Flashback – January 3

I am glad to be able to have caught up enough to sneak this post in today.  I have missed doing these FFFs.  This week we go back to January 3rd, 2017  with a post that was originally here.

 

Silence

When the silence hits

It cuts to the bone.

 

There are no more angry words

No more tears

No more smiles

No more laughter

No more moments of tenderness

 

…just utter silence

Stillness

Solitude

Emptiness

Loneliness

 

Since you’ve been

Gone.

No Sound But My Tears

My reserve energy is spent

I want to curl up in a ball

To ignore the deep pain

Shut out the world

And settle into my loneliness

Because no one notices anyway

And I’m so tired of being used

So goodbye for the rest of the day

I locked myself inside of

The consuming solitude

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – reserve

A Beam of Light in a Darkened Existence

She felt alone so much of the time

Ignored by those who said they cared

She sat in the dark replaying another day

A day trapped behind four walls

But then a voice from her past

Came back to her briefly

A series of texts from an old friend

Brought back the sound of his voice

And some feelings that had never left

Overjoyed by the thought of seeing him

The thoughts broke through her darkened night

Giving her hope for a connection

A way out of this choking loneliness

If only for a few hours

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – overjoyed

Happy and Grateful – Day 312

November brings a chill in the air and the start of the holiday gatherings of family and friends.  I can’t believe I am down to the last two month of my challenge to find happiness and feel gratitude every day.  I hope you join with me in the comments or your own blog in this challenge.  No matter how small there is always a little good in even the worst day.

Today was ok.  I am struggling some tonight.  Thinking of what-ifs and might-have-beens.  Missing my best friend something fierce.  Feeling out of control.  But there was good in the day.  I took my Dad to his coffee group this afternoon and it always makes me happy to see him laughing and talking with his friends.

Tonight I was grateful we had some left-overs we could just heat up to have for dinner and it didn’t require a lot of work.  I was not up to cooking and neither was my boyfriend.  So it was a search through the fridge to find a little of this and a little of that.  It may not have been gourmet, but it was good.

That is about all I have for tonight.  I am going to try to sleep early so tomorrow I can get up and do a little reading in my workbook before I head to my therapist visit for the week.  I hope you remember to find your happiness and feel your gratitude.  Have a good night/day!

Happy and Grateful – Day 279

The month of October is upon us.  Fall is in full swing with the leaves gathering on the lawn… maybe a pile or two to run through even.  The evenings are getting dark earlier as the days grow shorter.  And a few of us look forward to a good scare with Halloween coming this month.  Everyday has at least some small portion of good in it.  I am looking for that good with this challenge to find my happiness and gratitude every day.  Join in with the challenge by commenting or writing your own blog… let’s find some goodness today.

It was a grey gloomy rainy day.  I am aching with the cooler temperatures.  But we have needed the rain for so long.  I did go out in the rain to meet my daughter for lunch and go to the post office and then get Dad his dinner.  I was grateful I didn’t have to drive through the heaviest of the rain.  This system is supposed to give us quite a bit of rain.  Maybe the grass can green back up before it gets hit by the first frost.

I have had a pretty quiet night.  My boyfriend and I watched a couple of things off our DVR.  Now he is sleeping and I am alone watching a movie I have seem many times before, Overboard.  This is the time of night I really dread.  Being alone and “isolated” especially when I may be tired, the depression flourishes.  So I write.

Tonight I wrote a little to my doctor and think I will start a letter to a friend.  The words help keep me somewhat grounded.  I feel a little less alone.  I feel a little less worthless.  So I keep clicking at the keyboard to mask the emptiness.  I am happy I have the words to get me through.  And I know there are some of you out there who read and relate and that makes it worth it.

I will stop for the night.  Remember to find your happiness and feel your gratitude.  Have a good night/day.

Happy and Grateful – Day 181

June brings warmer weather and the start of summer. Hopefully it brings many ideas from my muse too. I continue to write for my challenge to find the things that make me happy and grateful each day this year. Please feel free to join me in this challenge with comments about your happiness and gratitude or start your own blog. There is always something good to find in each day.

The month ends on a pretty warm day.  A few more nighttime thunderstorms rolled through tonight, but much milder that the storms last night.  We really only got rain and a distant rumble or two here.

Today marks 6 of 12 months done on this challenge… just a few days short of half way.  Some rough days like today it is hard to find the happy.  I was in tears this afternoon for a lot of reasons all rolled into one.  Tears then threatened again later when a friend seemed a little short with me on texts.  I have just been feeling alone a lot lately.  I suppose it is because I am awake more during the day since I have to take my boyfriend to work.  The more awake hours, the more alone hours there are.

But I did break out a handful of stamps and used my Cricut even to make two different cards to mail out tomorrow.  Getting ink and glue on my hands makes me happy.  And for a little while I forget about the loneliness.

I have to say the grateful is pretty easy today.  My boyfriend went over to pay our July rent check and found we had been over charged on are rent for a while now and had a $200 credit… THANKFULLY now we can go restock the refrigerator as it was getting very bare.

In about five hours I have to take my boyfriend to work and I am not that tired yet.  So I will go read some more posts and hope to call it a night soon.  Don’t forget to stay grateful!

Happy and Grateful – Day 89

As March begins I continue with my goal to find happiness and gratitude every day.  There is at least some small thing that can bring a smile and give you a moment to be grateful for.  Please join me in looking for the good moments of the day … it would be great if you would share them in the comments or on your own blog.  Be aware of the little wonders of the day!

As I sit here tonight thinking back over the day and sipping my lemon ginger tea, I realize I don’t know what to put for my post today.  I did a couple of things that made me feel good… was my weekly appointment with my doctor and my boyfriend and I splurged with a dinner out.  I have used my doctor and comfort food both many times.  Was there any other happy moments to the day?

I have been struggling in and out of my depression this week and feeling rather alone.  I find tonight another struggle with the hauntings in the darkness.  I feel a little less alone talking to you, but am down enough I wonder how many of you are actually reading my posts.  I will admit some days I will skip some posts but I always try to get back to them the next day.  And there are times I read “too fast” and maybe don’t get the full meaning out of the post.  Forgive me.

But back onto the topic of happiness… at this time of night when everyone is asleep it is hard to shake the loneliness.  I can send emails, write letters, even get a message saved in a draft to review in the morning… just to feel closer to another human.  Tonight I escaped into my past a little.  Due to a change in our phone system for messages I was given the opportunity to have my saved messages put on a flash drive.  It is probably less than 4 minutes of messages, but it connects me with a time and person I care about.  A friends excitement, a visiting family member, a frustrated but funny friend who couldn’t reach me, my daughter, my boyfriend and a funny story from a friend… all things that in some way make me happy.  And I am grateful that I had to option to have them saved to listen to whenever I need a boost.

To anyone who has made it to the end of this rambling post… thank you truly for sticking with me.  I am sorry but some days the babbling fingertips I have, take on a life all their own!  I hope you have a good night or morning depending on where you are.  Now I must try to get some rest.

Crossing The Line

Sometimes I think about crossing the line

The line of right and wrong

The line of good and bad

Sometimes I feel alone in this life I have

Loved but forgotten

Needed but not wanted

Sometimes I dream of a moment with him

A moment of passion

A moment of pleasure

Sometimes I want to escape

To where I can start new

To where I matter

Sometimes I think about crossing the line…