I am having a really rough night. Lots of pain both physically and emotionally. I can’t sleep and that is causing more anxiety since I have to be awake in 4 1/2 hours. I tried to turn to a friend tonight and got brushed off before I had a chance to ask for help… it hurt. I hate nights like this.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but that is still over 14 hours away. I looked to a depression group for another place to find “a friend” and an hour now with no response. I feel invisible.
I know this is not the nice blog I can write, my mind is all over the place and I feel very lost in the dark of this night. Money problems, relationship problems and the vanishing friends all do nothing but fuel the fire. It is a roaring inferno now.
I know I have depression and I have nights like this, and I have gotten through them before…. but that doesn’t make them any less scary. Some of my thoughts are out right cruel, some make me want to scream and others just whimper in the background. I’m sorry but I fucking hate depression and anxiety!!!!
If I could just get off this vicious cycle of, okay, then bad, then better, than much worse, then alright, then livable, then… No one to talk to at 1:30 am. And if there was I would only be a bother anyway. I hope I have not bothered you too much with my ramblings. Sometimes it helps if I try to get the poisonous words out… sometimes it doesn’t. Maybe there is someone else out there suffering tonight… it is better if we don’t suffer alone. So pull up a chair and let’s face the demons in the dark together.
I think I am doing something wrong. I am getting so tired of “giving” everything in a friendship and not getting anything back. If it was just one or two friends I would not worry about it so much but I can name at least 4 “friends” in the last couple of years that never or very rarely return any kind of giving. And I am not talking about gifts … just simply giving time, love, basic caring. I am tired of unanswered emails, ignored cards and letters, text messages that are never replied to.
What am I doing wrong? Do I just have the talent of picking all the “worst” people? These are people I have cared about and thought cared about me but they sure don’t show it. I understand getting busy but… I have one friend in the past year I have seen ONCE for about 15 minutes. This was after she used to visit weekly. Another friend has health issue, I understand that… but is typing an email with “I’m doing ok” so time-consuming? Another friend who I have sent letters to three times now and not even a quick phone call to say she got them.
Do I just misunderstand friendship? I have always thought when you care you give of yourself in the relationship. Is that the wrong kind of thinking? I really even like to give. Sending a card or letter when I know someone is down, or just out of the blue for a little bit of a break from the bills in the mail. A text just to say I love you in the middle of the day. An offer of a listening ear when there are problems going on. But I have been left alone and wondering too many times.
So I must be doing it wrong. I should only reply to half of what I receive. I should stop with the random sentiments. And never take the time to write an actual letter to someone to send with a card that is not in digital form. I need to harden my heart and be a part-time “friend” so I match up with what others are doing. Or am I just picking the wrong people to trust and love? Do you share and give or yourself with your friends? Or as a society have we just all become self sufficient?
I may ramble here, but I know I wont change and I will continue to get to a point when it piles up and I think I am the only one who gives once again. I like to do things that make people smile. But just once I would like the kindness to be returned. Is that too much to ask?
Hello once again my friend out there… the reader in the distance… my connection to some hope. I am facing another night with rambling thoughts bouncing about in my mind with a wish to quiet my inner noise.
I am dealing with a problem that happens far more often than it should… I forgot to take my meds this morning. I have them in a pill case to remind me even. I have an alarm that goes off every day at 11 to remind me to take them if I haven’t yet. And still somehow a day will squeak by and I am oblivious to my neglect until it is far to late in the day for morning pills. So I have a headache that just grows. I get more sensitive to emotions – a mood swing almost. And I ache more. It really reminds me of just how out of control I am with my body and mind at times.
To someone who has never dealt with mood swings it is hard to explain. I had my first experience with them after my chemotherapy left my hormones a mess. I took some meds to try to straighten them out and I would have such a drastic move from one emotion to the next it felt worse than riding a roller coaster without a seat belt. Calm to bitch in 2 seconds and then a bawling baby in another tick of the clock. It was hell.
This is like that only a more gradual descent into chaos. Usually by the time I realize there is a problem it is too late to stop it. And then I add, on top of the symptoms, guilt and frustration as I am mad at myself for not remembering to take them. Do you ever miss your meds?
I have spent a good part of the day trying to reach out to a couple of friends. I sent a couple of long emails and have as of yet not heard anything back. Insecurity is HUGE for me especially when I am feeling bad. I have to pound it back into my brain that they are not sitting with their computer like I am. They are enjoying the summer day and at the pool or park… I am the one with no energy to walk up a flight of stairs today. (Have I mentioned before that fibro SUCKS!?) I sent a couple of texts to a friend and managed to say the wrong thing and make him mad. And my boyfriend has been withdrawn and quiet today since he came home from work. So I feel more disconnected.
Missed meds, loneliness, worry for a friend in the hospital… it all descends on me now that it is dark and the world has fallen quiet. For me there are a million thoughts screaming within. Sometimes I can keep up with the din and write out the clatter at least as fast as it sounds, but not always. If I can cut the noise in half I feel I have accomplished something. So I write, I ramble, I try to connect to one small portion of the universe. My little piece of star-dust… thank you for listening tonight.
Depression, anxiety… a tug of war in my head. I have a muddled pile of thoughts all squished together screaming for a way out of my mind. I have found in the last two years as my symptoms have gotten worse my friends seem to disappear more and more. The best thing to do for a friend suffering is be there for them…. but if you are there for a long time and then suddenly put up a wall it will slowly eat away at any hopes. A friend I always depended on, who was always there with advice or a good distraction is now a ghost of a memory. Nothing more than the other “friends” who became silent right after I said I was sick. But you know if I had suffered from a broken arm, they all would have lined up to sign my cast. Depression is not something to fear… it is NOT contagious. I battled cancer more than 10 years ago and friends brought me food so I didn’t have to cook and offered rides to treatments and covering hours at work…. but depression is like turning on the lights in a roach infested apartment. Everyone just scattered.
So along with medication I write. I used to write to a “friend” but they stopped responding. Now I write poems and the occasional blog. I need to write more. I need to find an outlet for the screams that echo inside. If no one ever reads my blog it is no different than my vanishing friends. If I reach one person who feels less alone in a similar battle it is great. But if I can help one “friend” to learn the way to help I would be overjoyed that some one out there will get the support that they need. The tug of war is harder some days than others, but I refuse to let go of the rope. I will prevail…. with or without someone who cares.
A lot of people say they wish they were invisible… it pisses off those of us who feel invisible. Sure there would be a few benefits (probably more curses though – I mean do you REALLY want to know what others say about you?) but ask anyone who feels as insignificant as a grain of sand, invisible is no fun.
I am always the one to randomly send a post, letter or phone call to most of my friends. Sometimes I wait for them to talk and find I am waiting so long I am sure they have forgotten who I am. Even my partner comes home from work, shares his day and then will disappear into his own world forgetting I am here. He will pass through and say hi when he needs a cigarette or something to drink. I feel I am just a knick-knack on the counter only dusted when needed to be presentable on occasion. Otherwise LONG ago forgotten as a new exciting find.
Growing up in the shadow of a sister who did well in school is just one of the ways I blended into the woodwork of my family too. Living with an alcoholic for 20 years kept me isolated from family and friends a lot of my adult life. And always being shy nailed the coffin shut on much of a social life. So how do I make myself worthy of being seen? Is it even worth it?
I don’t feel I have anything to offer. These words are not the work of Shakespeare or Stephen King. No one is going to see my name on the New York Times bestseller lists ever. I take pictures, but will not grace National Geographic’s pages. I craft but am far from any gallery displays. Why would anyone go out of their way for insignificant me?
I am reminded of the musical Chicago and the song Mr Cellophane. He sings of people looking right through him… that seems like a daily occurrence for me. I guess it is just a basic need to feel that I matter somehow, someway, to at least someone. I don’t want to change the world… just be a visible part of it.
I want to turn back the clock
Find a way to just unlock
This distance between us two
Because I feel broken and blue.
I want to have hope again
And think maybe I could win,
Not be the loser I fear
Whenever you are not near.
But distance, time and years
Are in control of the gears
That steer this sinking ship
On a doomed path trip.
Never will I be enough for you,
Even though my love is true.
I must find a way to forget
I’m a piece that never will fit
This puzzle of love and joy.
Just remember my heart is not a toy…
Piece by piece
My heart crumbles Exposing a little more
Uncovering the truth
Only to find
There is nothing there
A black hole
Consuming all joy
A vacuum of emotions
Denying me hope
Darkening my soul
Ending all light
Taking out the life
Like yesterdays garbage