I close my eyes and try to calm my life. Since he left I have found it easier to manage the day to day, but there are those every once in a while things that are rough. For the first time in my life I had to unclog a drain with a snake; it was pretty easy, although messy. I had to worry about health insurance. I went from my parent’s policy to his. And I had to find my first place all my own; once again from my parents house to his.
I am aware of a relief from his absence, but down the road there may come a day I am not so sure of being alone. Now it is just a weight that has been lifted. I no longer have to worry about what he is doing and when he will be sober. Not that I could control it anyway. No more broken things in the middle of the night. No more incoherent words. No more worries of when will he get behind the wheel and go buy more.
Two years later I realized I missed him. I should say I missed the man I married. But tragedy had struck. His body had enough of the disease and began to shut down, until the day he was found in his bed, gone from life far too soon. Me left wondering if there was anything I could have done earlier to slow or stop the disease. But I remind myself… I didn’t cause it, can’t control it, and I couldn’t cure it. Unfortunately neither could he.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – manage