Mumbles … Inexorable

In-ex-o-ab-le

Adjective – unable to stop or prevent

This is so my life right now.  All the way from my place in the world, the nation and right here at home I am unable to stop this merry-go-round life.

Photo by Edward Jenner on Pexels.com

Of course, I have concerns about Covid.  I have asthma so I “qualify” as one of those high-risk people (hurray for me).  My boyfriend is a front-line worker as a cashier, so he has lots of contact with the public, while also being a high-risk winner with both diabetes and high blood pressure (go team!).  The state of Iowa has been called a hot spot with new cases ranging from the 600 to 1000 area each day.  One of the biggest concerns I have is my daughter and her fiancé have a January wedding planned… where will the numbers be then?  Will they be able to have a big wedding?  These questions ring out every night when I watch the news and see outbreaks everywhere.

Photo by Element5 Digital on Pexels.com

Things have not been good nationally for quite some time.  I am not one to talk a lot about politics but where the country is right now is downright scary.  We are so divided and unable to have any sense of calm expressed by our current leader.  With the replacement of Ruth Bader Ginsburg being shoved down our throats I fear for the future.  And elections always frustrate me.  Just ONCE I would like to see a candidate step up on a platform of their own beliefs and qualifications instead of running down what their opponent did or didn’t do so far.  So, I get to the point where I mute the TV ads and try to find the real facts somewhere.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Closer to home the doctor has prescribed a change in my medications that is causing a great deal of fatigue.  She added one med, took one out and increased the dose of an “as needed” one to a twice a day occurrence.  I take my night-time meds and you can almost bet that twelve hours later I will either still be asleep or will be fighting a great deal of fogginess and a lingering medicated haze.  And now that I have been on this regiment for a month anyway my doctor offers this advice, “your body will adjust to it eventually and it will work.”  Which translates in my head to “You’re on your own sister, just live with it.”

While I don’t think I have ever used the word inexorable in my daily life, I sure do feel its presence.

(A note before I leave… the medication switch is a big reason I have fallen back in my reading and writing for prompts.  I WILL someday be caught up again.  And I will read all you have written I just may not have time to leave a lot of comments.  Thanks for your understanding!)

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – inexorable

Mumbles … Prioritize

So much to do and no where near enough hours in a day to get it all done… especially now that I am helping out my Dad so much. Things have been hectic lately. Not only do I have all my regular doctor’s appointments (for my depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia) but I have Dad’s myriad of doctor’s (heart, lungs, diabetes, PC) appointment to get him too. Add then the errands for my household and his and my limited amount of energy in a day (thanks so much fibro) … I really need to prioritize better.

My brain is doing triple time just trying to keep track of meds for Dad, my boyfriend and myself… I never fill the pill caddies on the same days. Last time we counted Dad is taking well over 25 different medications, vitamins and minerals! You would thing they would WORK … but then again maybe they do but the side effects negate the assistance they give. At least that is what I find with some of my meds.

I just try to remember that saying, “one day at a time” and adapt it to hours or minutes as is needed. Some days are just a little crazier than others and today has been that kind of a day. I hope to post this soon, but first I must read a little more to catch up. Maybe this weekend when we are free of appointments I can get a little more done… but I wont hold my breath- it makes me turn an ugly shade of purple!
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – prioritize

Happy and Grateful – Day 173

June brings warmer weather and the start of summer.  Hopefully it brings many ideas from my muse too.  I continue to write for my challenge to find the things that make me happy and grateful each day this year.  Please feel free to join me in this challenge with comments about your happiness and gratitude or start your own blog.  There is always something good to find in each day.

Today was the drive to the city… if you take the interstate there it is about a 45 minute drive.  I have too much anxiety with the heavy traffic and high speeds so I take the highway and go through town.  It about doubles the drive time, but I can handle it a little better.  I survived the drive and had a good talk with the doctor about my depression and anxiety.  She decided to up the dosage on my Abilify.  Let’s hope it helps.  I am happy the drive there and back, though stressful, was without incident.

The rest of the day was for recovery – taking an anxiety pill, putting my feet up in the chair and watching another episode of Banshee.   My boyfriend fixed an amazing dinner of honey Dijon chicken, sweet potato fries and broccoli.  I am grateful that he likes to cook and takes that task out of my hands.  He is a very good cook.

Now I am finishing writing this with no internet access… I hope it comes back up before I go to sleep.  If not I will post it tomorrow as soon as I can.  Hope you all feel grateful!

Happy and Grateful – Day 171

June brings warmer weather and the start of summer.  Hopefully it brings many ideas from my muse too.  I continue to write for my challenge to find the things that make me happy and grateful each day this year.  Please feel free to join me in this challenge with comments about your happiness and gratitude or start your own blog.  There is always something good to find in each day.

Happy first day of summer!  Now the days grow hotter and shorter.  And it was a hot one today.  Back near 90’s again today.  At least the humidity wasn’t really high.  I only had to be briefly in it as I went to the local mall to buy the dress pants to go with the shirt and light sweater I got Saturday for the wedding this weekend.  At least they are saying nice temps for that day… although they keep going back and forth on rain chances.  Last I heard it was a 30% chance.  No one wants rain on their wedding day.

But today was pretty mild and that was good as I was having issues with my anxiety.  I was shaking so bad when I went to try on the dress pants I was afraid I might rip them.  So once again I had to take a Lorazepam.  I see my meds doctor this week and we will see what she thinks we should do.  The stress is pretty high right now so we may just keep meds where they are.  I am grateful she is a pretty easy to get along with doctor.  And best of all she LISTENS!  I hate seeing someone who seems rushed and only half paying attention.  I am grateful to have this doctor – really all my doctors I have now are pretty good, I am lucky and I know it.

The rest of the day was pretty routine.  Was close to napping tonight before dinner, but my boyfriend came away from his computer and we started talking about dinner and I got my second wind.  I went to my Dad’s to fix him dinner with no problems.  And now I am relaxing with my laptop while the day comes to a close.  It is good to have just an “ordinary” day sometimes, it makes you appreciate the good ones more.  I guess my happy for the day was a guilty pleasure.  When I was at the mall I got a cup of pretzel bites with a little cheese sauce…. yummy!  I may only get them once or twice a year so it is not like I eat them all the time.

I should go read a couple more posts and then call it a night.  Have to take my boyfriend to work again in the morning.  I wish you all happiness and gratitude for the wonderful things in your day!  Good night.

Happy and Grateful – Day 143

May has arrived and I hope it brings lots of Spring cheer with it.  I am in my fifth month now of taking time to acknowledge the things that make me happy and grateful every day… almost half way to my goal of a full year.  If you want to join in on this challenge please add your thoughts in the comments or start your own blog.  There is a lot to be happy and grateful for!

Another day of off and on rain showers.  More forecasted for tomorrow.  If I can just make it until Thursday we are supposed to see the sun most of the day they say.  I guess even though it is rough on my fibro, it is good for my allergies as the rain keeps the pollen down a little.

Had to take Dad to another doctor appointment today.  This was just a routine follow-up with his regular doctor.  He ordered more blood work and convinced Dad to go back on his medication.  Dad is frustrated with all the pills he has to take and just quit them all… this is the second time he has done it.  And I understand the frustration – he is on over 20 different pills.  But with diabetes and heart disease you can’t just stop those meds.  I am grateful the doctor convinced him to take them again.

Had a busy evening, ran to the store and did some laundry… now I am tired and hurting.  So I take my nightly dose of meds and hope to sleep away some of the fatigue and pain.  I know I have a lot going on tomorrow too so I hope my fibro medicine does what it is supposed to.  I am happy I have some medication that does help me a little, not everyone is so lucky.

Ok it is off to dream land.  How about a nice dream about Sam Elliot just showing up to talk to me for hours and hours and hours… man I love his voice!  LOL

Happy and Grateful – Day 74

As March begins I continue with my goal to find happiness and gratitude every day.  There is at least some small thing that can bring a smile and give you a moment to be grateful for.  Please join me in looking for the good moments of the day … it would be great if you would share them in the comments or on your own blog.  Be aware of the little wonders of the day!

Today I had errands to run and I can tell you the end of my day was the best part… sitting down, putting my feet up and taking a pain pill for my back.  I was at the store, went to coffee with my Dad, post office, back to Dad’s for dinner… it was a long day.  Now I am glad I don’t have to do much tomorrow.

My happiness rests in the comfort of my recliner today.  I am grateful for the medication that does help a little bit with pain, add some biofreeze and I am doing alright. Now before I fall asleep I need to post this.  Good night!  🙂

Happy and Grateful – Day 19

I have undertaken a challenge this year.  I am trying to find the good in every day by writing about happiness and gratitude that I feel.  No matter how small there is always something to bring a smile or make you grateful, if just for a moment.  Follow along with me as I dig deep as necessary and find the peace of the day.  Join in if you are feeling happy and grateful too – in the comments or on your own blog.  Let’s find some fun!

Today has been a challenge.  I am dealing with a lot of anxiety.  I took anxiety meds during the day today… first time in quite a while for that.  And then of course I find that discouraging and get down on myself, which doesn’t help the depression… it all feeds of one feeling to another.  So I have not done much today.  Besides nap and staying in my safe little comfort zone I did one thing to try to help a bit.  I wrote.

I wrote to my doctor – I do this on a fairly regular basis to purge words and feelings between visits when I feel overwhelmed.  The first 5 minutes or so of our sessions are him reading my “letter” and me gathering my thoughts of what I want to talk about this week.

I wrote here on WP.  Sometimes the daily prompt can distract me a bit to help avoid the thoughts I don’t want to hear.  Today I just worried more about a friend.

I wrote some poetry.  And that is what I will share.  At least the best of what I wrote.  It is nothing great, but it helps take the fear out of me and sometimes that is all I need to detach from it.

The Countdown

Drop by drop

The tears fall

Fear rules my day

Rational or not

It has taken over

Life hangs in the balance

Feels like the air is thin

Every shadow is an enemy

Every noise an intruder

Break this cycle

Stop this fear

Before it consumes me

If only I knew how…

My fear is a little less tonight.  I feel scared and alone still, but not the all consuming fear and anxiety that left me breathless earlier.  I guess that means the medication worked some.  The writing worked a little bit more.  I am happy I made it through the day minute by minute.  I am grateful to have the ways I can try to calm my fears.  Now I am off to write one more place… to a friend who is having a birthday soon.  A nice upbeat letter will help keep my mind active and unaware of the surrounding darkness.

Hello Again

Hello once again my friend out there… the reader in the distance… my connection to some hope.  I am facing another night with rambling thoughts bouncing about in my mind with a wish to quiet my inner noise.

I am dealing with a problem that happens far more often than it should… I forgot to take my meds this morning.  I have them in a pill case to remind me even.  I have an alarm that goes off every day at 11 to remind me to take them if I haven’t yet.  And still somehow a day will squeak by and I am oblivious to my neglect until it is far to late in the day for morning pills.  So I have a headache that just grows.  I get more sensitive to emotions – a mood swing almost.  And I ache more.  It really reminds me of just how out of control I am with my body and mind at times.

To someone who has never dealt with mood swings it is hard to explain.  I had my first experience with them after my chemotherapy left my hormones a mess.  I took some meds to try to straighten them out and I would have such a drastic move from one emotion to the next it felt worse than riding a roller coaster without a seat belt. Calm to bitch in 2 seconds and then a bawling baby in another tick of the clock.  It was hell.

This is like that only a more gradual descent into chaos.  Usually by the time I realize there is a problem it is too late to stop it.  And then I add, on top of the symptoms, guilt and frustration as I am mad at myself for not remembering to take them.  Do you ever miss your meds?

I have spent a good part of the day trying to reach out to a couple of friends.  I sent a couple of long emails and have as of yet not heard anything back.  Insecurity is HUGE for me especially when I am feeling bad.  I have to pound it back into my brain that they are not sitting with their computer like I am.  They are enjoying the summer day and at the pool or park… I am the one with no energy to walk up a flight of stairs today.  (Have I mentioned before that fibro SUCKS!?)  I sent a couple of texts to a friend and managed to say the wrong thing and make him mad.  And my boyfriend has been withdrawn and quiet today since he came home from work.  So I feel more disconnected.

Missed meds, loneliness, worry for a friend in the hospital… it all descends on me now that it is dark and the world has fallen quiet.  For me there are a million thoughts screaming within.  Sometimes I can keep up with the din and write out the clatter at least as fast as it sounds, but not always.  If I can cut the noise in half I feel I have accomplished something.  So I write, I ramble, I try to connect to one small portion of the universe.  My little piece of star-dust… thank you for listening tonight.