A to Z Challenge – J

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The letter J …

It was almost 33 years ago when my life changed.  I went out on a date with “J” for the first time.  We would end up parked in the driveway talking for hours until almost 4 am.  Two years later we would marry and start what I thought would be a beautiful life together.  It wasn’t perfect. I don’t think it ever is.  The one thing that was as close to perfect as possible was news 5 years later that we would be parents.  After about two to three years of increasing drinking I knew J had a problem.  A few times he tried to quit on his own.  It never lasted.  I began doing everything I could to make a far from normal life “perfect” for my daughter.  When J was sober, he was a good dad.  He loved his daughter and that was evident.  I would tell my daughter he had fallen asleep when he had really passed out.  I did everything to keep him quiet at night to not wake her.  When she got into her teens it was harder and harder to make life “normal.”

To make a long story short I finally gave him an ultimatum to actively get help or I was leaving.  I gave him about 3 months to seek help – a doctor, a therapist, a rehab just one step to getting help.  When the day came, and he had done nothing I was crushed.  But I wouldn’t back down.  My daughter deserved better.  My life with J started out wonderfully.  I still love him to this day.  Unfortunately, he drank himself to death and our daughter found him dead in his bed.

All the turmoil, the pain, the tears, the drama, the heartbreak… if given a choice I would not change it.  Only because it gave me a beautiful daughter who I treasure more than anything.  If J were still here and had gotten the help, I think I would have gone back to him.  I know I still very much loved the man I married.  Trouble was he had drowned years after the wedding.  And I couldn’t safe him.  But because he gave me my daughter, I am grateful to J forever.


(Sorry this one was so long… it was had to condense.)

growing anxiety

i have to be strong
hide my feelings
i have to appear normal
act like i’m fine

i am determined to blend in
no tears that stand out
no flashy clothes
no attention brought to me

i have to push away
my depression and anxiety
i have to say goodbye
with the whole town watching


Written for Fandango’s One-World Challenge (FOWC) – determined

Over And Over Again

It is a never ending cycle
I have a day that is good
Then I pay for it
With pain and sorrow
For days to follow
I fool myself I’m normal
If only for a short time
Then have reality
Smack me in the face
But no matter
How many times I fall
I get back up and try
Just for a few moments
Of real happiness


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – cycle