Today is not so much direct happiness, but a feeling of accomplishment. I have been in the midst of a flare with my fibromyalgia and it is really starting to drain a lot of the happiness away. But no matter how bad I was hurting I got the last two loads of laundry done… something that can be a major victory over the fibro pain. I may not have done anything else all day, but that “little” accomplishment feels rather big when I have been in pain for days. Now lets hope I am well enough tomorrow for a quick run to the store for some needed groceries… fingers crossed.
Today is another day of struggles. My body aches, I have been on the edge of tears for most of the day, and the fatigue has been hard to beat. I feel alone and empty.
I sit here tonight and try to recall a moment of joy from the day, even if just a brief smile. The closest I came was for about an hour before my boyfriend came home from work I was listening to music and going through posts here at WordPress. I don’t know if I can call it happiness or more of a quiet understanding. Music that I was familiar with providing comfort and reading words that tugged at my emotions.
Looking at beautiful photos and reading touching poems kept my mind from wallowing in self-pity. Some days the quiet moment of peace are better than happiness. Some days they are the closest thing to happiness. I embrace the moments that get me through, however small they are.
I am having a really rough night. Lots of pain both physically and emotionally. I can’t sleep and that is causing more anxiety since I have to be awake in 4 1/2 hours. I tried to turn to a friend tonight and got brushed off before I had a chance to ask for help… it hurt. I hate nights like this.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but that is still over 14 hours away. I looked to a depression group for another place to find “a friend” and an hour now with no response. I feel invisible.
I know this is not the nice blog I can write, my mind is all over the place and I feel very lost in the dark of this night. Money problems, relationship problems and the vanishing friends all do nothing but fuel the fire. It is a roaring inferno now.
I know I have depression and I have nights like this, and I have gotten through them before…. but that doesn’t make them any less scary. Some of my thoughts are out right cruel, some make me want to scream and others just whimper in the background. I’m sorry but I fucking hate depression and anxiety!!!!
If I could just get off this vicious cycle of, okay, then bad, then better, than much worse, then alright, then livable, then… No one to talk to at 1:30 am. And if there was I would only be a bother anyway. I hope I have not bothered you too much with my ramblings. Sometimes it helps if I try to get the poisonous words out… sometimes it doesn’t. Maybe there is someone else out there suffering tonight… it is better if we don’t suffer alone. So pull up a chair and let’s face the demons in the dark together.
my hands twist in pain
my head throbs
my shoulders ache
my neck is in knots
my back shoots sharp pains
my legs feel heavy and weak
my ankles pop and crack
I am fatigued
I am confused
I am sad
I am frustrated
my life goes on
I am still me
fibromyalgia will not win
depression will not rule me
I fight every day
to NEVER lose me