After seeing Rent and fixing Thanksgiving dinner, my body revolted and I have been fighting some major fatigue. Forgive me for another late double day post.
Day 77 – Wow… today was a case of sticker shock. I took my car into the repair shop after the woman backed into me in the clinic parking lot. I was prepared for the estimate I thought, wrong. He got to the bottom line number to only have a door repaired and after he said, “One thousand…” I kind of blanked out before he added six hundred and sixteen. From that moment on I spent the rest of the day so happy I had car insurance to cover it!
Day 78 – This was a tough day. With the change in temperature outside and the level of activity recently I am fighting the pain today. But better than a heating pad is a cat that likes to cuddle and today my cat was feeling friendly. I think maybe she was feeling the increased cold in the air too. No matter why she was on my lap doesn’t matter, her warmth and love made me feel happy.
Today was just as I expected. I pushed myself a little too much yesterday in fun, today I pay for it with pain and stiffness. But the show must go on or something like that. I gathered up all my energy spoons and went to the store to shop for my Dad. I am glad I did. I saw a friend who had recently had back surgery. We talked for a while then continued on our way. Then I ran into a former neighbor who also has a daily battle with fibromyalgia and the two of us caught up a bit on where we were on the pain scale. So it turned out to be a fun trip to the store despite the pain. Seeing friends always makes me happy.
I hate to cry. I have been on the edge of tears for several days now and doing everything I can to keep from crying. I know that is wrong to do that… the emotions are there for a reason and I should act on them. I do all I can not to most of the time though. But today I had enough. Financial worries, chronic pain, anxiety, depression and my boyfriend being in a foul mood the last couple of days… it all took its’ toll today and I broke down.
When my eyes were red and tender. When my nose was stuffed up. When I had a crying headache…. things changed. I felt a heavy weight off my shoulders I had been carrying for a few days now. I felt life was not quite as desperate. I felt more free inside. I don’t know if happy is the right word or not, but I felt a whole lot closer to happy after i was done. I talked to a friend and he helped to calm me down some. I was now exhausted most of the rest of the day… but it was a pleasant tired.
I hate to cry, but sometimes it is just what is needed to make the day happy again. (((HUGS))) to all who need it… be happy.
Today is not so much direct happiness, but a feeling of accomplishment. I have been in the midst of a flare with my fibromyalgia and it is really starting to drain a lot of the happiness away. But no matter how bad I was hurting I got the last two loads of laundry done… something that can be a major victory over the fibro pain. I may not have done anything else all day, but that “little” accomplishment feels rather big when I have been in pain for days. Now lets hope I am well enough tomorrow for a quick run to the store for some needed groceries… fingers crossed.
Today is another day of struggles. My body aches, I have been on the edge of tears for most of the day, and the fatigue has been hard to beat. I feel alone and empty.
I sit here tonight and try to recall a moment of joy from the day, even if just a brief smile. The closest I came was for about an hour before my boyfriend came home from work I was listening to music and going through posts here at WordPress. I don’t know if I can call it happiness or more of a quiet understanding. Music that I was familiar with providing comfort and reading words that tugged at my emotions.
Looking at beautiful photos and reading touching poems kept my mind from wallowing in self-pity. Some days the quiet moment of peace are better than happiness. Some days they are the closest thing to happiness. I embrace the moments that get me through, however small they are.
I am having a really rough night. Lots of pain both physically and emotionally. I can’t sleep and that is causing more anxiety since I have to be awake in 4 1/2 hours. I tried to turn to a friend tonight and got brushed off before I had a chance to ask for help… it hurt. I hate nights like this.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but that is still over 14 hours away. I looked to a depression group for another place to find “a friend” and an hour now with no response. I feel invisible.
I know this is not the nice blog I can write, my mind is all over the place and I feel very lost in the dark of this night. Money problems, relationship problems and the vanishing friends all do nothing but fuel the fire. It is a roaring inferno now.
I know I have depression and I have nights like this, and I have gotten through them before…. but that doesn’t make them any less scary. Some of my thoughts are out right cruel, some make me want to scream and others just whimper in the background. I’m sorry but I fucking hate depression and anxiety!!!!
If I could just get off this vicious cycle of, okay, then bad, then better, than much worse, then alright, then livable, then… No one to talk to at 1:30 am. And if there was I would only be a bother anyway. I hope I have not bothered you too much with my ramblings. Sometimes it helps if I try to get the poisonous words out… sometimes it doesn’t. Maybe there is someone else out there suffering tonight… it is better if we don’t suffer alone. So pull up a chair and let’s face the demons in the dark together.