Surviving

She has had enough

Life is too chaotic

She must find a way

To focus on calm

To find clarity again

To once more be centered

She draws a bath

And sinks into the warm waters

The tub like a comforting hug

Breathing deeply

She feels peace

Slowly wash over her

Like sun breaking through

On a cloudy day

She washes away

The ugliness of the day

The hate and lies she’s faced

The evils of society

And the sadness she feels

She stays until the waters grow cold

And she is finally relaxed

Hoping it will last

She steps out

Clinging to the feelings

Of an inner harmony

And she thinks she will make it

Through one more day

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – tub https://fivedotoh.com/2020/05/27/fowc-with-fandango-tub/

Photo by Craig Adderley from Pexels

A Mountain Out Of A Molehill

It starts small

A spark of an idea

That grows in size

From a problem

To a full blown crisis

I imagine the worst

I did something wrong

I drove him away

It was all me

That brought this to an end

I will never see him again

He will hate me forever

But it’s only my anxieties

Taking full rein

Charging into chaos

Leaving me to blame

I take a deep breath

And reevaluate things

It is really not so bad

I think it will all pass

Without more drama

If only I relax

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – crisis

Mumbles … Detrimental

I am not sure how much more of this I can handle. So far (I guess) I have been stronger than I thought I could be, but this is really hard. The stress level of caring for a parent can be high just in general, but add dementia to it and it becomes so much harder to handle. Last night was a fair night, but the night before was bad. He thought I was his brother (come on… I know they hacked half of my breast off with the cancer but I am not THAT flat chested and I swear the whiskers are plucked daily!) and he was sure he had to work when he has been retired for 15 years.

I think the hardest part of the dementia is him not seeing me as his daughter. I have been his brother, my sister, my mom (who has been gone 8 1/2 years now) and just another one of the caregivers. He sees things and hears things. At least a dozen times now he has talked about others in the room when it was just the two of us.

What I am beginning to worry about is what this is doing to me. Just how detrimental is all this stress on my fibro, depression and anxiety. I know the fatigue levels have been off the charts (maybe some of that was the holiday stress added in too) but I am more achy and have not been able to shake the sciatica pain. Anxiety meds both day and night, where I used to only take them at night. And an intense feeling of wanting to just sit and cry (doctor says the antidepressants keep me from crying when I need to…it is a really weird feeling).

I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Rely on my past record of making it through tough days as a sign I will get through the next one. And hope I am doing something good for Dad. I am doing what I can to help him stay in his home. There may come a point in time though when it is too much for me and we will have no choice. In the meantime I rest when I am home and trudge through the mire of dementia to try to find my Dad every night.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – detrimental

Lost At Sea

The storms toss me about
Lost in the darkness
Searching for help
I reach out to you
Hoping you will give me stability
but you are not my anchor
you toss me back into the wind
adrift alone
weathering everything life throws at me
somehow staying afloat
I realize I have to save myself
And I swim for the shore once again

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – anchor

Happy and Grateful – Day 237

Seven months are gone now and surprisingly I am still plugging along with this challenge to post about my happiness and gratitude every day this year.  August brings the state fair here in Iowa and lots of heat and humidity.  It is the time to see the back to school shopping start with kids dreading it and parents loving it.  As I continue my challenge I hope you will take a minute to reflect on your day too.  You can even share your happiness and gratitude here in the comments or on your own blog.  There is good in every day!

I hurt today … but I think some of that is cause from stress.  I just wish the loan issues were settled and my boyfriend had his new used car… this is turning into such a headache and I can’t see it over any sooner than the first week of September… if I survive that long.  I haven’t felt this kind of stress, loneliness and pain in a while.  But I keep trying to move forward with some little sense of happiness.

Today I put my heart out there and reached for a friend to try to give me a little help… and got nothing in return.  Not an “I’m sorry you’re feeling rough”, not a “can I help in any way”, only a standard reply of I love you.  Which in itself is a good thing… it is nice to know I am cared about but not what I was looking for and that should have been obvious.  Here I go again… off the topic of happiness and rambling about why I hurt.  Sorry!

A friend of mine has set a date for her wedding.  She made a Facebook page for it today.  I am really happy she found a great guy to settle down with.  She has had a string of fellows who have turned out to be unworthy of her… seems she has a keeper now.

I am grateful my boyfriend got the first part of his loan taken care of and can now pay off his bills.  If that had not gone through I would be looking at longer than the first of the month to be driving him around.

I need to close my eyes and clear my head.  Tomorrow looks to be a long but hopefully a fun day… I’m keeping my fingers crossed any way.  Find your happiness and feel your gratitude.  Have a good night/day!

Happy and Grateful – Day 229

Seven months are gone now and surprisingly I am still plugging along with this challenge to post about my happiness and gratitude every day this year.  August brings the state fair here in Iowa and lots of heat and humidity.  It is the time to see the back to school shopping start with kids dreading it and parents loving it.  As I continue my challenge I hope you will take a minute to reflect on your day too.  You can even share your happiness and gratitude here in the comments or on your own blog.  There is good in every day!

Another day… another afternoon with Special Reports from the news desk breaking into programming on television, news updates on Facebook and radio DJ’s talking of more hate in the world.  My anxiety and depression make it hard to watch the news.  Being a compassionate human makes it hard to watch the news.  So I stepped a little out of my norm for the daily prompt post I made for unfurl (A New Flag).  I find it so discouraging to see how little value people put in human lives… unless they are ____(fill in the blank).

To try to counter all that, I find myself listening to music tonight.  Trying to find answers to why.  I saw my therapist this afternoon and talked a little about the news of the week.  And I know he is right in saying there are more good people than bad in the world… some weeks it is hard to believe it though.  So I sit here and try to find music that gives me hope.  Try to write out the words of hurt and pain.  Grateful my friends and family are all safe tonight… and saying a prayer for those who aren’t.

I had a moment today of happiness when I shared some time with my Dad.  He seemed in a better mood tonight than he has been and we had a nice talk while I fixed him dinner and he ate it.  With him at 81 I worry those talks will not be available much longer.

I am going to try to read some more posts before it gets too late.  Stress can wear me out and it has been a stressful day with the newscasts.  Remember to find your happiness and feel your gratitude.  Have a good night/day!

Happy and Grateful – Day 163

June brings warmer weather and the start of summer.  Hopefully it brings many ideas from my muse too.  I continue to write for my challenge to find the things that make me happy and grateful each day this year.  Please feel free to join me in this challenge with comments about your happiness and gratitude or start your own blog.  There is always something good to find in each day.

Dew points, humidity, temperatures… it has been about ten degree warmer than the average now for a few days and shows no signs of changing.  I really hope this doesn’t mean a LONG hot summer.  I like to enjoy the spring like weather a little longer… PLEASE.

So once again I was indoors for the duration of the day.  I just don’t handle the humidity well.  I also was inside to try to wait for a phone call.  I was hoping to hear back from one of the lawyers I called on Friday, but no calls.  It left me anxious and depressed.  I can’t do this alone and I really don’t want to have to start over again with 3 years invested in it.  I must have patience and believe I will hear back from whom I need to when the time is right.  I am grateful for the techniques my doctor has given me to cope with stress… not that I am perfect at doing them but it is progress not perfection!

I have been able to do some extra writing today.  A friend who used to life across the street from me is having some health problems so I am composing a letter to her.  So far I am at 5 pages and still babbling away.  I hope it will brighten her day.  It makes me happy to share a little sunshine with friends … a letter beats a bill in the mail ANY day.

It is soon off to dreamland for me.  My meds and the stress of the day are both catching up with me.  Hope you have sweet dreams, whether they be at night or day dreams… dream, hope, believe.

Cheers Or Something

I need a beer…

Tonight I more or less

Just give up,

So give me a beer

It’s my brain I want to fry.

Too much stress

Has my head spinning –

Maybe if I drown it

The motion will slow

The voices will quiet

And the madness will calm.

It has been beyond

A long day with chaos

And I feel so helpless

So I surrender to my limits.

It’s time for a beer

And a good night of sleep.

Day 97 – 100 Days of Happiness

I had dinner tonight with two dear friends.  One was a big help to me when I was going through my cancer treatments and the other has been a friend for years from work as well.  It had been far too long since we had gotten together to talk so dinner stretched out more than 3 hours!  We had to catch up on how our families were doing… and let’s just say it has been a bad year.  We decided tonight that 2017 has to be better… murder (of a family pet), suicide attempts, health crisis, alcoholism, etc.  We decided we should write a soap opera based on our lives as things have been so rough it is hard to believe.

But we got out laughter and tears.  Leaned on each other a little and exchanged wishes for a great Christmas and a MUCH better New Year.  We promised to get together more often and stay in touch.  It was a wonderful night with good food and great friends.  …now bring on that better New Year!