Tick Tock

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She sat in the dark

No sounds in the house

Except the ticking of the clock

Marking another moment

Full of hopelessness

She was despondent

Afraid to try anymore

And at the end of her rope

Some days she looks back

On that day in her life

The one that was almost her last

How she climbed out of that hole

With the help of a friend

Starting with one simple sentence

“What’s wrong?”


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – despondent

Love Again

No one is ever alone please call if you need help…

She sat in the corner of the bar.  The sign outside had said Gambit.  It made her think of the old X-men comic books of her youth.  She was way past her youth now though, but she needed a drink.

The same glass was in her hand that was there an hour ago after she first came in.  It was a salty dog.  She liked salty dogs; they were a drink introduced to her by her dad.  But he wasn’t here anymore.  Nor were a lot of other people.  Family members had died and friends had disappeared. She felt very alone.

She had come into the bar to find some courage.  Or maybe to talk herself down, she really wasn’t sure which it was.  She only knew she felt like she was at the end of her rope.  She was alone most of the time and it was taking a toll on her mentally.  She felt more and more useless and unwanted.  Today she felt like she might not just drive by that big tree on the corner.  Maybe she would take it on at top speed.

She was convinced no one cared anyway.  She was just a burden on society.  Not able to do her part to contribute.  Just a walking diseased body that was growing more and more unhinged.

Just then she got a text message.  It was simple and not convincing her of anything, but it made her feel a little less invisible.  It said, “Hey beautiful, how are you doing?” She knew he didn’t really need her anymore, but for that brief moment she felt wanted.  Maybe if she sweet talked him, he would again love her.  After all she still loved him.  And for once that day she felt she might make it through the night.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – gambit

Mumbles … World Suicide Prevention Day

I wish I could go back to simpler days.  Days when I had innocence.  Days when I was naïve and guileless.  Days before September 10th would have been so important to me.  Today has been World Suicide Prevention Day #WSPD.  There was a time I thought that would never effect me.  How I turned out to be wrong.

First of all there are the odds stacked against me.  They say 800,000 suicides take place each year… it comes out to about every 40 seconds somewhere around the world another person takes his or her own life.  Odds are in your lifetime you WILL know someone who wants to do it, tried to do and succeeds in doing it.  I have all three in my lifetime already.

So I write in remembrance of those gone, in compassion for those who feel that alone and empty and for the suicidal ideation I suffer from with my depression.  The hardest thing I ever did was pick up a phone to dial 911 for a dear friend of mine who tried to end it all.  I already wrote about that here.  And I felt an unending emptiness when a boy I used to babysit took his own life.  And there was a day I tried everything I could to keep a friend talking when he was ready to jump off a bridge.

Suicide is so hard on others, but it is hard on the victim too.  The only thing I can not stress enough is you are NEVER alone.  Talk to a friend, family, clergy or doctor.  Call a hotline.  Text someone.  Even reaching out on social media is an option.  So, as the day wraps up I leave you all with a wish to stay in touch with others.  You never know what others are going through.  Your call, note or text could make all the difference in their day.

Be safe, be well, TALK to someone!

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8155

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – guileless

 

 

“You’re Nothing”

The darkness consumes

The fading light

Voices begin to whisper

Insults to me

Shadows creep within

My heart and mind

I feel trapped inside

With no chance of escape

The world a dangerous place

But alone with myself

Even more deadly

 

*Remember you are never truly alone but if you find yourself in a dark place like this, world wide there are hotlines you can call when in crisis.   Here are a couple from the US.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line – text HOME to 741741

Veterans Crisis Text Line – text to 838255

 

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – escape

A to Z Challenge – Semicolon

#AtoZChallenge 2019 Tenth Anniversary badge

S is for Semicolon

April 16th was Project Semicolon Day.  I am sure a lot of you are unaware of what that is.  It is about an awareness of mental health and suicide.  It is the semicolon in the story of your life that means your story is not finished yet.  I stumbled on the site a few years ago and since suicide has touched my life in more that one way I connected with the project.

Every year I do some kind of a post for the day and I draw on the semicolon on my wrist until I can actually get the real tattoo.  Because my story is not over yet.

No photo description available.

Remember if you are troubled and need help, seek medical advice.  If it is an emergency call 911 immediately and if you just need someone to guide you through a rough patch call the 24 hour lifeline of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

 

Follow my A to Z challenge:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R

Never Know

As I descend on my fall

A million thoughts call…

 

I will never know

The taste of your lips

Or ever feel

The thrust of your hips

I will never share

Another night with you

Talking until dawn

About all that we knew

I will never hear you say

The words I love you

And mean it from your heart

Being completely true

And I wont see you with her

As my heart breaks

While you two share

Pieces of wedding cake

I will never know the taste of your lips…

 

Only the end of this descent

As I reach the pavement.

Cast The First Stone

With a loud plop

The stone began its fall

The water slowed its descent slightly

And I watched with fascination

The way the waves rippled outward

Almost as if the stone sent out a warning

“The end is near!”

This creek is too shallow I thought to myself

While morbid ideas danced in my mind

I shook my head and took a deep breath

I will not let the demons get to me

It is only a rock in the water

No metaphors today

I make a mental note to remember

Next time skip the rock across the water

Never let me see it fall to the watery graveyard

Again with the words and ramblings…

It has been a long week… only three days really.  I have depression, I have had thoughts of suicide before and have made plans in the past but never been able to go through with it (mainly because I have a daughter I cannot hurt that way).  This week I learned first hand how it can affect others.

A friend who was visiting me decided to try to end her life on my couch.  The details are not important… the pain is.  I have dealt with every emotion at least a thousand times and back around again.  I have felt guilty for not knowing she was in that much pain.  I have been angry at both her and myself.  I have of course felt extreme sadness over her efforts. And even joy… the moment I saw her eyes open again and knew she would live.

Now as she deals with the fact that she is still here she is angry.  The nurses say that is normal.  She will not talk to anyone, refuses visitors or phone calls and will not let any information be shared with friends or family.  I sit and worry she will hate me forever for stopping her efforts.

Knowing now the true scope of emotions I am feeling on this side of a suicide attempt makes it even more clear to me to work things out somehow.  Talk to my therapist.  Reach out to family or friends.  Use a suicide lifeline to talk to someone detached from my life.  Just keep trying to find help.  There IS help out there.  I would much rather be awakened by a friend at 4 am to talk about a major problem than see them in the ER full of tubes and wires trying to regain a descent blood pressure.

I have done all I could to be “clinical” about it all since Wednesday, but the shell is starting to crack.  I suppose that could be because I forgot my morning meds today for both my depression and anxiety, but I know there is only so long the emotions can be reigned in.  I shed tears tonight.  I talked to a friend briefly.  And, as I have done so many other nights, I write.

The words have been purged, the emotions somewhat lifted and my tears are dry.  I will pray for sleep, peace of mind and health for my friend.  And those of you who took the time to read this… tell those you care about how you feel.  You never know when kind words can change someones day and life.

**PLEASE consider the suicide lifeline if you are thinking of taking your own life… 1-800-273-8255 also a live chat available online http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/