This week we look back to my daily prompt post from 2017 … this is a post I did about my history and worst of times. I want to mention again there are options and places to go for help… there are others who have been through it, you are not alone. For this week’s FFF …
Out and Away
At the height of my ex-husbands drinking and my lowest moments I often thought the best option for me to get away from all the mess was to drive straight into a tree off the highway… thankfully I had a friend who saw how deep I had fallen and helped pull me back up.
Being in a household with a heavy alcoholic is hell, total isolation, guilt, shame, anger and a million more emotions all bottled up and shaken well and often. But the thing to remember is you are never alone. There are millions of ways to break free and get help that don’t have the disastrous results of this poem. Reach out, find help, you are NOT in this battle alone.
No one is ever alone please call if you need help…
She sat in the corner of the bar. The sign outside had said Gambit. It made her think of the old X-men comic books of her youth. She was way past her youth now though, but she needed a drink.
The same glass was in her hand that was there an hour ago after she first came in. It was a salty dog. She liked salty dogs; they were a drink introduced to her by her dad. But he wasn’t here anymore. Nor were a lot of other people. Family members had died and friends had disappeared. She felt very alone.
She had come into the bar to find some courage. Or maybe to talk herself down, she really wasn’t sure which it was. She only knew she felt like she was at the end of her rope. She was alone most of the time and it was taking a toll on her mentally. She felt more and more useless and unwanted. Today she felt like she might not just drive by that big tree on the corner. Maybe she would take it on at top speed.
She was convinced no one cared anyway. She was just a burden on society. Not able to do her part to contribute. Just a walking diseased body that was growing more and more unhinged.
Just then she got a text message. It was simple and not convincing her of anything, but it made her feel a little less invisible. It said, “Hey beautiful, how are you doing?” She knew he didn’t really need her anymore, but for that brief moment she felt wanted. Maybe if she sweet talked him, he would again love her. After all she still loved him. And for once that day she felt she might make it through the night.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – gambit
I wish I could go back to simpler days. Days when I had innocence. Days when I was naïve and guileless. Days before September 10th would have been so important to me. Today has been World Suicide Prevention Day #WSPD. There was a time I thought that would never effect me. How I turned out to be wrong.
First of all there are the odds stacked against me. They say 800,000 suicides take place each year… it comes out to about every 40 seconds somewhere around the world another person takes his or her own life. Odds are in your lifetime you WILL know someone who wants to do it, tried to do and succeeds in doing it. I have all three in my lifetime already.
So I write in remembrance of those gone, in compassion for those who feel that alone and empty and for the suicidal ideation I suffer from with my depression. The hardest thing I ever did was pick up a phone to dial 911 for a dear friend of mine who tried to end it all. I already wrote about that here. And I felt an unending emptiness when a boy I used to babysit took his own life. And there was a day I tried everything I could to keep a friend talking when he was ready to jump off a bridge.
Suicide is so hard on others, but it is hard on the victim too. The only thing I can not stress enough is you are NEVER alone. Talk to a friend, family, clergy or doctor. Call a hotline. Text someone. Even reaching out on social media is an option. So, as the day wraps up I leave you all with a wish to stay in touch with others. You never know what others are going through. Your call, note or text could make all the difference in their day.
Be safe, be well, TALK to someone!
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8155
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – guileless
April 16th was Project Semicolon Day. I am sure a lot of you are unaware of what that is. It is about an awareness of mental health and suicide. It is the semicolon in the story of your life that means your story is not finished yet. I stumbled on the site a few years ago and since suicide has touched my life in more that one way I connected with the project.
Every year I do some kind of a post for the day and I draw on the semicolon on my wrist until I can actually get the real tattoo. Because my story is not over yet.
Remember if you are troubled and need help, seek medical advice. If it is an emergency call 911 immediately and if you just need someone to guide you through a rough patch call the 24 hour lifeline of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).