She just broke down into tears. It was just moments after her hand slipped and dropped the vase of roses. It wasn’t the spilled water on the floor, the broken stems or the cracked vase that got to her. It was the fact that they had been his roses from the funeral. She had once more done something to let him down. She would never be the perfect child now and her heart was tired from years of trying without success. She lost herself in tears of regret and disappointment. She sobbed thinking he died not knowing she loved him.
Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – spill
“Tears are the noble language of the eye.” – Robert Herrick
I sit here in the dark with tears welling in my eyes… I fight to keep them from falling. I miss the time I was spending with my Dad no matter how hard it was seeing him in decline. In one week we will have our gathering/visitation to remember him. I am already dealing with anxiety over being in a room with so many people OR being disappointed by how few show up. I remember back to his retirement party and the room it was held in was full, with people standing outside in the hall to hear the festivities.
I am slowly still going through posts while daily remembering people we forgot to contact. I let two more people know today and thought of one more to contact tomorrow. I am trying to go about a normal day as possible but it just isn’t easy. As you can see I am not really writing about noble I am just writing. I am so far behind and know as we clean out Dad’s house there will be more chronic fatigue to deal with. So I say it again… I will get to your posts as soon as I can. I keep trying to move forward. Some days are easier than others, and this has been a hard night. Doing something I normally did for Dad was to pick up things at Walmart… tonight when I went there it hit me that those trips for Dad are done. Just kind of took the wind out of my sails.
I will stop with my babbling fingertips now. My eyes have gone from filled with tears to struggling to stay open. Thanks for putting up with me straggling behind the daily posts and reading. Good night!
Written for (my peace of mind and) Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – noble
The pain is real
It burns through my body
The tightness in my chest
Takes away my breath
There is a lump in my throat
That I just can’t swallow
And yet somehow I feel broken
Because the tears won’t fall
…it feels worse than actually crying
Seven months are gone now and surprisingly I am still plugging along with this challenge to post about my happiness and gratitude every day this year. August brings the state fair here in Iowa and lots of heat and humidity. It is the time to see the back to school shopping start with kids dreading it and parents loving it. As I continue my challenge I hope you will take a minute to reflect on your day too. You can even share your happiness and gratitude here in the comments or on your own blog. There is good in every day!
It was back to more seasonable weather today so no windows open for me. It still wasn’t horrible, but too humid to leave the windows open. So I stayed shut in to my apartment most of the day. This however is Thursday and my weekly visit with my therapist. And as I was running short on sleep since I stayed up late watching the soap with my daughter last night… I did one thing that I hate. I started crying during our session. Talking about my grandmother and my former mother-in-law the tears began to come. I was just too tired to fight them back down like I usually do in front of others. I must have been teased or something when I was young because I have always been afraid of crying in front of others. I know it is actually good for us to cry and get the emotions out… I just feel very isolated when I cry which only adds to the discomfort.
So lack of sleep, tears and then a bit of bad news on my boyfriends loan put the day in the bad day category. We had so been hoping to take another loan from his 401K to get him a used but reliable car to drive and they denied it. So now it is a talk to the bank and if there is no luck there maybe see if we can finance it through the car dealership. Like my boyfriend said tonight… it is our turn to catch a break.
So finding some good in the day has been more of a challenge. But I have to say there is always something. And knowing we are struggling but we have a roof over our heads is ahead of some others out there. A good friend of mine was homeless for a while so I have seen that side of it and it and am grateful to have a place to call home. Where I can be comfortable enough to cry on occasion.
As for the happy part of the day. It was some planning coming through for me. I have been thinking of what to do for my grandmothers 100th birthday and I think I have the card design in mind now, so I just have to put it together. That makes me happy… creating things. I also wrote a poem about a friend I miss terribly and writing always helps the day along as well.
I need to end this and get a better nights rest than I did last night. Remember to find your happiness and feel your gratitude. Have a good night/day!
The tears well up
Hanging on the edge
Of lashes already damp
I feel my breathing
Becoming more rapid
My heart is beating
A Morse code plea for help
No one can hear it
No one notices
No one is here
No one cares
While I struggle to live…
Just venting some frustrations tonight. Better to have the thoughts out of my head onto paper (or the screen as it were) than roaming around my brain for hours.