Seeing Spots

Another tear falls

Leaving a spot on my shirt

It is just salt water

But the dark spot bothers me

Today I want to honor her

And I want it to be perfect

Not marred by tears

But that slow release

Of liquid from my eyes continues

And if I look past my aggravation

I can see it is not ruining anything

In fact the release of each tear

Alleviates a little of the pain I have

Trying to say goodbye


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – alleviate

Down The Road

Like water out of a faucet

The tears fall from my chin

They keep coming and coming

Trying to wash away

This unending pain

The one you left me

When you moved away

Down the drain

Goes my hopes of happiness

No one will ever

Be as important to me

As you were then

You turned away

And got on the bus

Like it was just for a trip downtown

While inside my heart shattered

As I watched the taillights

Fade into the distance


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – drain

Acceptance

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

I can’t do it anymore

Force the smile

When inside I cry

I was so hurt

When you left me

And things spiraled

Out of control

I have lost others

From my life

And a big piece

Of who I am

I have to finish

This deception

And no longer

Turn away from

The pain I feel

Let the tears flow

And embrace the pain

If I ever want to

Be whole again


Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – finish

The Let Down

She just broke down into tears.  It was just moments after her hand slipped and dropped the vase of roses.  It wasn’t the spilled water on the floor, the broken stems or the cracked vase that got to her.  It was the fact that they had been his roses from the funeral.  She had once more done something to let him down.  She would never be the perfect child now and her heart was tired from years of trying without success.  She lost herself in tears of regret and disappointment.  She sobbed thinking he died not knowing she loved him.

 

Written for Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – spill

Mumbles … noble

“Tears are the noble language of the eye.” – Robert Herrick

I sit here in the dark with tears welling in my eyes… I fight to keep them from falling.  I miss the time I was spending with my Dad no matter how hard it was seeing him in decline.  In one week we will have our gathering/visitation to remember him. I am already dealing with anxiety over being in a room with so many people OR being disappointed by how few show up.  I remember back to his retirement party and the room it was held in was full, with people standing outside in the hall to hear the festivities.

I am slowly still going through posts while daily remembering people we forgot to contact.  I let two more people know today and thought of one more to contact tomorrow.  I am trying to go about a normal day as possible but it just isn’t easy.  As you can see I am not really writing about noble I am just writing.  I am so far behind and know as we clean out Dad’s house there will be more chronic fatigue to deal with.  So I say it again… I will get to your posts as soon as I can.  I keep trying to move forward.  Some days are easier than others, and this has been a hard night.  Doing something I normally did for Dad was to pick up things at Walmart… tonight when I went there it hit me that those trips for Dad are done.  Just kind of took the wind out of my sails.

I will stop with my babbling fingertips now.  My eyes have gone from filled with tears to struggling to stay open.  Thanks for putting up with me straggling behind the daily posts and reading.  Good night!

 

Written for (my peace of mind and) Fandango’s One-Word Challenge (FOWC) – noble

Happy and Grateful – Day 236

Seven months are gone now and surprisingly I am still plugging along with this challenge to post about my happiness and gratitude every day this year.  August brings the state fair here in Iowa and lots of heat and humidity.  It is the time to see the back to school shopping start with kids dreading it and parents loving it.  As I continue my challenge I hope you will take a minute to reflect on your day too.  You can even share your happiness and gratitude here in the comments or on your own blog.  There is good in every day!

It was back to more seasonable weather today so no windows open for me.  It still wasn’t horrible, but too humid to leave the windows open.  So I stayed shut in to my apartment most of the day.  This however is Thursday and my weekly visit with my therapist.  And as I was running short on sleep since I stayed up late watching the soap with my daughter last night… I did one thing that I hate.  I started crying during our session.  Talking about my grandmother and my former mother-in-law the tears began to come.  I was just too tired to fight them back down like I usually do in front of others.  I must have been teased or something when I was young because I have always been afraid of crying in front of others.  I know it is actually good for us to cry and get the emotions out… I just feel very isolated when I cry which only adds to the discomfort.

So lack of sleep, tears and then a bit of bad news on my boyfriends loan put the day in the bad day category.  We had so been hoping to take another loan from his 401K to get him a used but reliable car to drive and they denied it.  So now it is a talk to the bank and if there is no luck there maybe see if we can finance it through the car dealership.  Like my boyfriend said tonight… it is our turn to catch a break.

So finding some good in the day has been more of a challenge.  But I have to say there is always something.  And knowing we are struggling but we have a roof over our heads is ahead of some others out there.  A good friend of mine was homeless for a while so I have seen that side of it and it and am grateful to have a place to call home.  Where I can be comfortable enough to cry on occasion.

As for the happy part of the day. It was some planning coming through for me.  I have been thinking of what to do for my grandmothers 100th birthday and I think I have the card design in mind now, so I just have to put it together.  That makes me happy… creating things.  I also wrote a poem about a friend I miss terribly and writing always helps the day along as well.

I need to end this and get a better nights rest than I did last night.  Remember to find your happiness and feel your gratitude.  Have a good night/day!

No One

The tears well up
Hanging on the edge
Of lashes already damp
I feel my breathing
Becoming more rapid
My heart is beating
A Morse code plea for help
No one can hear it
No one notices
No one is here
No one cares
While I struggle to live…

Just venting some frustrations tonight.  Better to have the thoughts out of my head onto paper (or the screen as it were) than roaming around my brain for hours.

A Hand To Hold No More

Don’t make eye contact

just stare at the sidewalk.

He is walking this way

and the pain is still raw.

A love not returned

is a love that is lost.

But you swallow the pain

and pretend it doesn’t hurt

You dash into a doorway,

out of sight out of mind.

As he strides right past you,

you start to cry.

No one can shake you

the way that he can…

to this day it still hurts

that you can’t hold his hand.